The Kellys

2009-10-03T21:42:00.001-06:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

2009-05-23T18:42:00.001-06:00

New blog....

I have started a new blog to chronicle my weightloss journey... the link is at the side. I hope you stop by an visit :)

2009-05-23T13:31:00.001-06:00

My Friday...

Well I had the scare of my life. I think I have mentioned before that I am allergic to latex. As a general rule I get hives and itchy and my allergy med clears it right up. Well Friday morning I bought a wrist band for a charity jeans week we are having and opened it without even thinking since the one I wear is silicone. There must have either been latex in the band or a latex powder on it for shipping. Well with in 5 minutes I was getting my typical symptoms so I took a pill. With in the hour it was getting bad again and my tongue felt a little itchy so I talked to my supervisor and headed to the closest medi center thiking I needed a shot of benedryl or something.

I had to travel a mere 13 blocks and I grabbed a bus and by the time I was there so less than 5 minutes I was having trouble swallowing. They took me right back and I was starting to have a little trouble breathing and my pulse was up to 122. They gave me a shot of benedryl and it kept things from getting worse but did not settle it down. They ended up having to give me a shot of epinephrine which did the trick. I then got sent to the ER incase I had a rebound reaction and to be monitored for any side effects from the shot.

I did have a slight rebound but another shot of benedryl did the trick. I was also given prednisone and sent home with three days worth to take along with my allergy meds to prevent another rebound. I also have a script for an epi-pen which I will now always have to carry.
I was soooo scared! I'm glad they got it undercontrol. They told me that the allergy med I took very likley could have saved my life because it slowed the anaphalaxis down and with not knowing it was a possiblity by the time I got help it may have been to late.

Today I am fine... slept lots yesterday once I was released. I have to go and get my epi-pen today and ugh its $104 but I think my life is worth it lol

2009-05-14T22:37:00.002-06:00

Good Bye Taz

June 1996- May 13, 2009

Four Feet in Heaven
Your favorite chair is vacant now...

No eager purrs to greet me.

No softly padded paws to run

Ecstatically to meet me.

No coaxing rubs, no plaintive cry

Will say it's time for feeding.

I've put away your bowl, and all

The things you won't be needing;

But I will miss you little friend,

For I could never measure

The happiness you brought me,

The comfort and the pleasure.

And since God put you here to share

In earthly joy and sorrow;I

'm sure there'll be a place for you

In Heaven's bright tomorrow...

- Alice E. Chase

2009-02-07T17:06:00.002-07:00

DOing an overhaul...

LOL thought it was about time to finally get the Christmas stuff taken down. I am trying a new layout from Pyzam which requries using the new version of blogger and as a result I have a lot of work to do to get everything back up and running. It looks fairly easy its just going to require lots of steps... stay tuned for updates ;)

2008-12-20T11:59:00.003-07:00

Annual Parent Care Christmas Service...

Once again we joined the members of our miscarriage support group for an evening of reflection. Its such a simple yet special service and it reminds us that we are not alone. It was wonderful to see everyone and to take a little time to think about our three little angels.

Candles lit for all the angels

Candles for our 3 angels

Tree of Angel Names

Our 3 angels

2008-12-14T10:43:00.001-07:00

Kerri...

Your Christmas Sprit Level: 90%

Your Christmas spirit is almost as big as Christmas itself. Christmas is definitely your thing.

You celebrate Christmas with enthusiasm. You love every minute of the holidays.

Your Christmas spirit is inspiring to everyone who runs into you during the holidays.

You make everyone's day just a little bit brighter. And that's what the holidays are all about!

Do You Have the Christmas Spirit?

Jay....

Your Christmas Sprit Level: 90%

Do You Have the Christmas Spirit?

2008-12-14T10:35:00.002-07:00

Kerri...

Your Christmas is Most Like: A Very Brady Christmas

For you, it's all about sharing times with family.

Even if you all get a bit cheesy at times.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

Jay....

Your Christmas is Most Like: A Very Brady Christmas

For you, it's all about sharing times with family.

Even if you all get a bit cheesy at times.

What Movie Is Your Christmas Most Like?

2008-11-29T20:43:00.001-07:00

Decking the halls......

2008-11-15T23:15:00.003-07:00

Me.....

You Are Dancer

Carefree and fun, you always find reasons to do a happy dance.

Why You're Naughty: That dark stint you had as Santa's private dancer.

Why You're Nice: You're friendly. Very friendly.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Jay.....

You Are Comet

A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge!

Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving

Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

2008-11-15T23:07:00.001-07:00

The Christmas transformation has begun...

watch for changes over the next few days :) The music player is at the bottom of the screen if you want to switch songs or turn it off :)

2008-10-31T20:44:00.002-06:00

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-18T22:57:00.004-06:00

From this.....

To this.......

Thanks Steve! You Rock!

2008-10-15T20:54:00.004-06:00

2008-10-11T19:50:00.003-06:00

Made a Lemon Meringue pie tonight.....

... and now here I am wishing Virginia was here to share a piece with me and have a cup of tea. Just as when we lost mom and dad I think of her at the sillest times and wish she were still here. I actually got teary as I was making up the meringue with the beaters that were hers... and laughing that the damn stuff was actually working as it should. I think it was her looking over my shoulder from heaven coaxing it along :) I think of her often s I am cooking a meal... getting just the right amount of butter to fry the pork cutlets in, just enough water not milk to make super fluffy scrambled eggs and omlettes, eating super crusty buns with a cup of tea. Such simple memories to some and yet so meaningful to me. I don't think I ever told her enough how much I loved her though part of me knows that she knows. So I shall go have my piece of pie and maybe shed a tear or two for this amazing woman who I so wish could still be with us :(

2008-10-08T20:57:00.001-06:00

You Are Apple Cider

Smooth and comforting. But downright nasty when cold.

What Part of Fall Are You?

2008-10-04T23:24:00.005-06:00

Walk to Remember....

Today was Edmontons first Walk to Remember to support all the families who have lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirths, early infant death or SIDS. It was a very meaningful and touching day. About 350 people showed up to walk today and its sad to think that we all have a bond with each other that none of us really wants and yet it is special to have that bond and to know we are not alone in our journeys.

The walk was held at the leg grounds and was followed by a balloon release. I loved the balloon release... each little life lost was named and the family would release the balloon in that moment... very powerful. Along part of the walking path the name ofevery baby being remembered at todays walk was written.... it was quite the site.

Here are a few pictures from the day. Jay found three different spots that held three things... maybe it was meant to be a sign to us to let us know that our angels are together :)

The walking path with the names and our angels.....

The balloon release. Peanuts balloon got stuck.....

Jays sets of three

And just one of us :)

2008-10-03T09:22:00.003-06:00

Friday Fill-ins

1. October means winter is just around the corner :P.
2. Random acts of violence scare me!
3. Leaves are falling all around, it's a pretty site and yet a sad one to as it marks the end of another season.
4. My favorite horror movie is the original texas chainsaw massacre because it is based on facts as twisted and horrible they may be .
5. time spent with my family= good memories.
6. It was a dark and stormy night and i slept through it... or at least I usually do lol.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watching the season premier of Ghost Whisperer, tomorrow my plans includeattending the forst Walk to Remember for our area and Sunday, I want to have a relaxing day!

2008-09-28T21:51:00.002-06:00

Please Pray for a Family from my home town...

Their beautiful teenage daughter was attacked and killed while out on a walk yesterday afternoon. This is a horrible senseless tradgey and it has me wondering what on earth is the world coming to when a young girl isn't even safe to walk a trail in her little home town. :(

Her dad has written briefly on his blog...

New Lumps: Emily Joy Stauffer

2008-09-27T11:59:00.002-06:00

My Friday Fill-In a day late....

1.Our anniversary, Thanksgiving and Halloween are some of the things I'm most looking forward to in October.

2. Sometimes I wonder what I have done to be so blessed in my life.

3. I did get married and that's why there is a saying, "never say never"! lol

4. When I'm down, I can feel better by having a snuggle with my hubby or a good chat with my sister Lynne :)

5.At home or lately at Katy's is where you'll find me most often.

6. A rainy day is good for snuggling under the covers with a good book.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to relaxing with Jay tomorrow my plans include playing online and catching up on reading and Sunday, I want to enjoy my day with Bug and Worm checking out all the fun free activites around the city!

2008-09-20T21:59:00.000-06:00

Our Day at Prairie Gardens

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2008-09-07T11:39:00.004-06:00

Its been just over a month....

since we all said good-bye to Virginia... and she sure has been on my mind.

I see her picture in my living room smiling looking for full of life and happiness. I wish she was here with us still. I wish that the good byes never had to come. I was jumping around random myspace pages this morning and found this song and thought I would share it with you all. The lyrics are so pretty! And are so true. .. I love you Virginia and you will Never be Forgotten

"Never Be Forgotten"

Jessica Andrews

I’ll always see your face

The corner of your smile

And all the little things that no one will ever know

Like it was yesterday, won’t ever fade away

Goodbye is just a word that I will never say

You will never be forgotten

A million days could pass us by

But what is time but just a dream

Oh I still feel you here with me

You’re more than a memory

Oh you will never be forgotten

I can‘t hold your hand

Or look into your eyes

And when I talk to you

It just echoes in my mind

But If hearts are made of dust

And if we fell from the stars

I look up tonight and know just where you are

You will never be forgotten

A million days could pass us by

But what is time but just a dream

Oh I still feel you here with me

You’re more than a memory

Oh you will never be forgotten

And the world just keeps on going

It has no way of knowing

That you’re gone

You will never be forgotten

A million days could pass us by

But what is time but just a dream

Oh I still feel you here with me

You’re more than a memory

Oh you will never be forgotten

2008-09-06T08:22:00.001-06:00

Happy 1st Birthday Wiggle Worm!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

2008-09-05T21:14:00.000-06:00

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

2008-09-05T21:05:00.002-06:00

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

2008-08-29T16:39:00.002-06:00

1. When I'm sick I'm a big baby lol
2. When I take a walk, I think about my dreams and wishes for the future
3. Money can't buy happiness but it can make life far more comfortable
4. Cotton makes me comfy and leather makes me ummmm kinky lol
5. The strangest person/character I've had lewd thoughts about was Micheal Jackson...mind you I was 15 but still what was I thinking lol
6. My favorite color these days is yellowbecause its bright and cheerful nad makes my tan stand out lol
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to going to watch the final ball game of the season with my family, tomorrow my plans includesleeping in! and maybe a nap ot two lol and Sunday, I want to try out our community church... one of these weeks I will get there

2008-08-22T09:28:00.002-06:00

Friday Fill-Ins #86

1. Dancing to ring around the rosey while playing with Bug makes me feel like a kid again
2. The last time I raced to catch the train I nearly tripped and fell on the stairs
3. When I drive I have to sing!.
4. I saw a beautiful Blue-Jay standing on my fence.
5. Give me Love, give me Peace within, give me chocolate ;).
6. Next week I am looking forward to it going by fast so I can enjoy my long weekend !.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to celebrating Jay and Cliffs birthdays ( my hubby and BIL), tomorrow my plans include going to the farmers market to get fresh produce and Sunday, I want to do something fun with Bug and Worm(my great niece & nephew)!

2008-08-20T05:53:00.001-06:00

Two Years....

A Part Of Me
As I sit and remember

When you were still a part of me

I try to forget...

Your life was never meant to be.

You were given a life, a soul, a name

But now things will never be the same.

You were mine to give life to

Though only for a while

Things had changed...

I will never see your smile.

Yet my love for you

Will never disappear

Though your voice, your laugh,

I will never get to hear.

You will always be my baby

Though I've never seen your face.

Not a thing in this world

Can ever take your place.
(c) Felicia Glik

2008-08-15T22:28:00.002-06:00

My First Friday Fill-In (#85)

1. The last meal I had at a restaurant was a clubhouse and fries from Aprils Place... Yummy
2. Raisens are something I intensely dislike
3. The full moon brings out the freaky people
4. Eh is one of my favorite local expressions.
5. Sometimes it's best to go forward without looking back
6. Horton Hears A Who is the best movie I've seen so far this year!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to updating my blog finally, tomorrow my plans include housework BLECK and Sunday, I want to SLEEP IN!

2008-07-25T20:25:00.002-06:00

Oh yeah we do have a blog......

Wow how did I go since February without bloggin???? Hmmm I guess facebook would be a big part of it its so quick and simple to update life on there lol. I do plan on getting back on the blog bandwagon and posting regualrily. I have decided to join a few blog rolls that focus on topics for the various days of the week and I think that will be fun and will of course keep me busy blogging to lol. Off I go ... time to update those blinkies and links to :)

2008-02-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

This week I will take Buster on one walk until he poops.....

LOL quite the title for a post isn't it ;) Yesterday I had my second Change ways session and the focus was setting goals that we can attain so we can start feeling success which leads to mood improvement which leads to depression lifting which leads to reduced chances of severe relapse... you get the idea. In coming up with our goal we worked through six steps based on one of the problems/enjoyable things we came up with last week. Here's how the process works

Step One:
Create a problem list. This is the stuff that feels overwhelming and affects day to day life or that you have simply been avoiding. At the same time write out the things that are pleasureable to you even if it was a long time in the past.

Step Two:
Pick one thing out of your list to work on. For me I picked I need to get back to exercising

Step Three:
Break the problem down into small bits. The anaology used was breaking a boulder into gravel! When working this step be very secific. For me it was what things are exercise. I have swimming, walking, aquasize, the gym. Right now the easiest thing is going for a walk and in the past I have loved to do that but in these last many many months I haven't gone on one pleasurable walk.

Step Four:
Create possibilites for solutions. They all need to be positive. Brainstorm your way through... let the moment just be the thoughts don't have to be sensible. I have lots of options for walking; from extending my walks between bus stops, to walking with Jay to walking Buster

Step Five:
Select an Action. Take one of your possibilities from step four and work with it. Find a positive way to word your goal. In this part I chose to walk Buster

Step Six:

Pare it down and be specific. Be realistic about what you can do right now. The more depressed the smaller the goal. The idea is baby steps so that you create your own successes. If you surpass the goal thats awesome but its far from what is expected at this point. The idea is to not feel or think but to act out the behavior. It doesn't matter how much you hate it or love it while doing it; its jsut geting it done. It can take 2 minutes of the day, it can be 2 hours long. Its all in what you can handle. Be clear in when the goal is over. Eg want to clean the bathroom break it into steps and make one step the goal and thus the goal is complete if you clean the sink. The key is are you 98% you can do it. If not make the goal smaller.

So for me it was walk Buster. Seriously somedays that is way to overwhelming... that was very hard for me to admit but its true. So I had to set a clear end ; while I am quite sure once I get outside with him I will enjoy it and we will walk for a good 20 minutes I also know some days the thought of a 20 minute walk makes me want to curl up and hide. Thats where the pooping came in... lol gave the group a good chuckle. But I picked that because it means that at most I have to go and stand outside the door with him and in the best case senerio we will actually walk for a bit. Good for me and good for him and taking care of him will make me feeling better. I also only picked one time and as time goes on that can increases. I know for right now one time is all I can handle thinking about. Its amazing what a reality check I am getting as I work through this stuff.

There ends week two. I will be sure to post when I have my success :)

2008-02-06T15:58:00.000-07:00

I have no clue what to title this....

mainly because my head is full of random thoughts and feelings.

We are moving. The packing has begun. The house is in chaos. I am trying to leave some of the past behind.

In leaving some of the past behind I am struggling; yet feeling free. Mostly it was time for me to get rid of the various stuff I still had of moms. Kathy is taking a couple things. I am keeping a couple things... that will be put safely away. And some of it is just gone. For damn near 13 years I have been hauling around a flower from her funeral... it is GONE. I couldn't do it. I asked Jay to when I wasn't around. But it was soooooooo freeing to not see it when I walked into the living room. I can't even begin to explain it.

I spent this afternoon going through my hope chest. We reorganized some things to make it easier for the next place. I downsized :) I sat and spent nearly 2 hours going through cards that I have kept. Many laughs, smiles and tears came in that time. Many cards I let go... but a selection just had to stay.

I look at the cards mom gave me and it rips me apart wondering how she could write me such loving words and then do some of the awful things she did. I can't comprehend it I just can't. I look at her writing and think how unfair it is that she is not here and that all I have left of her is bits of ink on paper. I have ONE card from my dad... the only thing with his writing. I do have his all time favorite book and will always cherish that.... even in its beat up condition from being stuck in his back pocket. It is just so damn unfair that because of the choices they made I am stuck with little random pieces of paper to represent them instead of having them here with me.

At the same time the cards brought me lots of smiles. It was great looking at the cards I have gotten from Dan, Katy, Shawna, Scott and Dustin. It was so cool watching them grow up from birthday card to birthday card. Many of them touched me, many made me laugh. Katy... one from you made me chuckle the most. I don't even remember what year it was from but it was when you were in the stage of not likeing "mooshy or corney cards" so you bought a blank one. You said I looked at cards they were all too stupid too moosey or too corney so you are getting a blank one. And of course you signed it with love ;)

Then there were the birthday cards from Lynne and Kathy.... love all of them too and it was neat seeing me grow up through their eyes while reading from year to year :) Lynne... you gave me one that said" We owe so much to mom and dad.... think we can sue them" I laughed right outloud as I am sure I did when I first opened it.

Then came the everyday cards.... the just because cards. They were some of the most touching I think. Ones that gave me strength in the tough times. Ones that reminded me that I am loved by my family even when I was feeling so alone.

The next task was all the various things I have be given or purchased through my miscarriages. All of that stuff is now packed away in a box all its own. It will in time be unpacked and placed in somekind of chest that will be put away... but for now the memories are closed up together. It was so hard to do and yet it felt right to do at this point in time. We had gathered a few things up for when we finally had a baby and that has been packed up to give away as well. I don't know why I decided to do all this now.... especially when for many things I am having a hell of a time knowing that our third angel was due this past week. Who knows maybe that is why. The time may come... it may not. I guess I just needed to no longer torture myself with objects designed to care for a baby I don't know I will ever have.

In the sorting I came across a collection of poems I had saved from my teen magazines. many were about crushes and first loves... typical teen stuff. Some really speak to how crappy I obviously felt as a teen. I got rid of most of them... but kept many that still grabbed me today. I kept one out to share.... it feels like life right now.

COURAGE

Whenever my heart is sinking low,

My smile must never let it show.

Whenever the skies are dull and grey,

My laugh must be cheerful anyway.

Whenever I think I'll lose all hope,

I must learn to live and cope

With everyday problems that may arise

That try to hide my smile

Or dim my eyes

For each new days invites me to try

To find the courage needed to live by.

Written by Amy Clarke

I look at those words and think what a sad thing to have been attracted to as a kid. Why should I have had to try and cope? How is it fair I had to hide feelings? The words mean a lot to me now but in a different light. There are days that want to bring me down... but I fight through them knowing that my future is so much brighter than the past I am leaving behind.

well I must sleep for work so I am going to sign off from my rambling ;) Sorry for the novel... it was just better to get it out then let it fester.

2008-02-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

Change Ways Week One......

So I started my group therapy today. Not really much to report it was more a meet and greet and introduction to the outine of the weeks to come. I have my first set of homework lol. One exercise is writing down all of the things I enjoy doing the other is writing down all the stuff I struggle with and want but dont have in my life. Ought to be interesting. Over the next weeks I will have to set a goal to meet between the sessions and the goals will be generated out of the lists I make this week. The rest of the group seems nice enough. There is a range of people from the low 20's to the 50's... men and women. As the weeks go on I will update... I may even sahre some of my homework.... guess it will depend on what they have me doing ;)

On a side note my counsellor grabbed me on the break and asked what was up. The woman knows me way to well! I admitted to her that I am struggling right now. There is sooo much going on. So many thoughts in my head. The toughest at the moment is knowing this week we should have had a baby. My other due dates have been a little tough but we have dealt with it. But this one has been hell! I feel so empty! I told her that it was our edd and she said she knew there was something. Aside from that I do know I would benefit from a session so I will definately go see her. I have been very thankful in the past that I made such a good connection with her... today really showed me that she cares about her clients and really does get to know them :)

2008-02-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

Took my counsellors advice....

A few sessions ago I chatted with my counsellor about how hard it is to stay out of my dark circling thoughts during my quiet times at work.... and now that I am on midnights there are MANY quiet moments. I was on my way to a very rough night last night and I just didn't want to go there. Worrying isn't going to help the issues at hand... they will only make me crazier and ummm just don't need that. So I tried thinking of something positive...and it hit me. Today is three years since Jay came to Canada. That thought set off a whole slew of thoughts.

The first being how in the world can it be three years already! We have gone through so so so much.... many couples wouldn't have made it and yet here we are. Many times we have talked about the huge leap of faith he made in coming here. Many times I have been amazed that he loved me that much to make such a leap of faith.

Lynne has said many times that the song "I knew I loved you before I met you" by Savage Garden was written just for us :) guess in many ways she is right.... three years ago tonight Jay and I met face to face for the very first time. We had fallen in love via an internet friendship and instead of the first planned visit and many very long talks... when Jay hopped the plane to come here he was coming to stay!

In the heat of the moment three years ago I blew my side of the family away.... the one who swore she would never marry was picking a virtual stranger up at the airport and letting him move in. Then I was just happy... now I see why they thought I was insane lol. Lucky for me I was right and things have turned out great.

I never thought I would see the day that I looked forward to coming home and talking to the same person day in day out. I never would ahve thought it possible to miss the person you live with when life gets in the way. I would have never thought that I would love spending an afternoon munching on popcorn and playing scrabble. I never would have thought I would become an avid fan of Fmaily guy.... and yet here we are.

There is no doubt that we have struggled.... both emotionally and financially. In the end though we always seem to come out stronger and more bonded. Three years in and still not a fight! We have our moments of course... I know there are days I can be a queen bitch but I have learned to acknowledge that and he has learned to ignore me lol. I annoy him, he annoys me but we are able to let all the little stuff go. When it comes to the big stuff we can talk openly and honestly.

Its been an amazing journey so far. Its a journey I never in a million years would have thought I would go on but I am oh so very happy that I did. In the rest of my quiet times I wrote a poem... a little cheesy but lol I was feeling sentimental. As you read remember I have been up all night too lol....

On a snowy night three years ago

Two hearts would connect

A love would begin to grow.

She stands and nervously waits

On shaky knees he goes to the arival gates

They leave the airport hand in hand

Headed off to an unknown land.

A first supper at Wendy's

Then staying up to talk the whole night through

That first tentatinve kiss

That in thier hearts created immediate bliss.

Life as a couple has now begun

Teme to meet the family

Oh what Fun

But not a one of them

Could make him run.

Then came the day they vowed to stay

Together forever

Through whatever may

A toast to the couple then out the door

Off to another land

They hadn't been to before.

Their love grow's stronger

Through the joy happiness and tears

Three little angels

They wished they cold have kept them longer

Walks by the river, journies to places umknown

Day to day life never wishing

for seeds they haven't sowen

On a Snowy night three years ago

Two hearts connected

And their love still continues to grow.

Happy three years hunny! I love you!

2008-01-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

Infertility Reflection....

So I got this in a round about way. I follow a blog from one of the people who was on the clomid board on ivillage when I joined... I have followed her journey for a long time. She got the reflection off of another blog that she follows. LOL got to love blog hoppers. Anyways it made me tear right up and I thought it was something that was well worth sharing here.....

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live."However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment.

What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

2008-01-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

You know its cold when.....

Steam from the manhole covers form icicles......

2008-01-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

We adopted......

A kitten :) His name is Simba :) He joined us yesterday and has made himself right at home! Taz and Belle are scared of him lol.... big wimps! Buster could care less as long as he gets his share of attention ;)

And of course the most important thing... Pictures!

2008-01-01T13:59:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year....

Wow how can it be 2008 already... it seems like we entered 2007 just yesterday! Its been quite the year and personally other than a few moments I am very glad to see the year go. am hoping and praying that 2008 will bring many happy memories and god willing a baby or at the bery least a healthly pregnancy. I am hoping that my mental health will do nothing but improve... there will still be a few rough times I am sure but at least I am on the right path. I am hoping for job/ financial stability. Leaving my old job was very nessecary but man the finanical stuggles since have sure beena trial. I will now on Feb 1 if I am one of the few temp staff that will be hired on permanently and if not the job search will begin all over again UGH!

On a positive note I am really looking forward to June and to Katy and Steves wedding... what a celebration it will be! I am looking forward to creating many new memories with the family and with my friends :) And speaking of friends.... last night Jay and I along with our friend Kelleen headed down to see in the new year with the fire works downtown. We had a great time and had a very adventerous ride home on the bus... lol of course we couldn't start the new year off in a quiet way !

Here we are all bundled up and a couple fireworks shots too :)

2007-12-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

Christmas 2007

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

2007-12-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

Randomness....

Its been awhile since I just sat and wrote about the goings on in our lives... guess thats cause nothing has been overly exciting lol

Let's see...work is going really well. I am now trained on all aspects of the front end and really love it. The midnight shifts have been interesting to say the least. I am utterly amazed at the number of people that bring thier YOUNG children shopping in the middle of the night! I am talking like in the range of 2-10.... seriously what are they thinking??? We have an array of shoppers in their jammies which is always entertaining lol. We have the after bar crowd... that can be annoying to pure fun and entertainment. We were told this week that our store along with one in Calgary are going to remain open for the 24 hours through January as well... there is a lot of confusion about who will be working though so I am just sitting back and waiting until a decision is made.

We attended a Candle light memorial tonight with our miscarriage support group. It was just wonderful! The group we attend is fairly small... but the people attending the service was incredible. Many people that no longer feel the need to come to the monthly groups still attend the service... I counted 92 candles lit in memory of babies tonight...just a small fraction of the angels who have been lost. Its really quite overwhelming when you think of it. Its wonderful to have the bond with the other parents and yet so sad at the same time. I feel blessed to have met them one one hand and on the other I wish we were all still strangers. I will never understand why I lost my babies.... I jsut have to trust there is some sort of higher power with a plan that is meant to guide me through this journey.

My counselling is going really well. My therapist thinks I am making great strides. All I can say is its been one hell of a journey and we are only a quater way through my sessions! We have done some interesting excersises that have given me so much insight into myself and the dynamics of the family. My latest "assignment" is to start a gratitude journal... she wants me to write 3 things each night that I am grateful for. .. mostly that will be easy but somedays when I get trapped in the dark nasty corners of my brain it wil be a real challenge. Starting in Feb I will be attending a group called Changing Ways. It is targeted for people who have issues with depression and works on skills to help overcome the dark side of things so day to day life can be less overwhelming. It runs for 12 weeks and my therapist is one of the leaders. I think it will be interesting. I am certainly willing to try it out... I figure it certainly can't hurt things and if I can learn skills to stay out of the dark side of my brain I will be thrilled.

I guess thats about it. I am sooooooo looking forward to Christmas this year! I can't wait to be home with everyone and to see the wonder adn excitment in the kids eyes! I plan on making a montage once I get back so stayed tuned for that ;)

2007-12-20T22:30:00.001-07:00

It's beginning to smell alot like Christmas......

Mmmm our house sure smell good tonight. Got my annual baking done .... yum yum yum

Tried a new recipe for Candy Cane cake...

Shortbread

A few sugar cookies to give away. I am so excited to be making more with the Hannah, Sara, Jayda and Noah on Christmas eve :)

Buster sampling the sugar cookies lol

And of course the christmas baking isn't complete without Katy's butter tart squares :)

I made cheesecake brownies to but I don't have a picture of them to share... all I can say is OMG good! I think they will become an annual treat too!

2007-12-20T04:49:00.000-07:00

Please don't tell the other dogs.......

...... that I like to cuddle with Cats

2007-12-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

So Spoiled....

I am part of an ornamnet exchange on one of my message boards and got my pkg yesterday... just had to share the pics :)

One for me and Jay

One for our angels :)

And a collection of some of our favorite treats plus a new one.... mocha kit kats! Can't wait to try them out :)

Thanks Lorie... You ROCK :)

2007-12-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

What part of Christmas are you.....

me

Jay

lol guess we are a good match as a couple ;)

2007-12-07T08:27:00.000-07:00

Naughty or Nice.....

Mine

Christmas Naughty or Nice List

Christmas Naughty or Nice List

You are on the The Nice List

After checking the North Pole database we found you had :

1,931 nice entries

685 naughty entries

Jay's

Christmas Naughty or Nice List

Christmas Naughty or Nice List

You are on the The Nice List

After checking the North Pole database we found you had :

1,611 nice entries

201 naughty entries

Check your name on the Christmas Naughty or Nice List at JokesUnlimited.com

WTH lol how can Jay have so many less entries then me :P Least I made the nice list lol

2007-12-07T01:42:00.000-07:00

Time for some Christmas Pics.......

Me and Jay becuase you couldn't have guessed that lol......

Belle.... so not impressed with the christmas collar! She refused to move til we took it off......

Buster....

One of my all time favorite pictures of Taz

This years tree.....

We went to the craft fair today and were thrilled to find an ornament for Sweetpea to match the ones we bought lost christmas for Peanut and Trouble.....

Our annual ornament.......

YAY finally got a second tree... granted its only about 12 inches tall but none the less I finally got a second tree for all my miniature precious moments ornaments......

2007-12-05T23:13:00.000-07:00

What will be in your stocking?????

Christmas Stocking

This year in your Christmas stocking you will get :

A Winning Lottery Ticket

Find out what you will get in your Christmas stocking at Quizopolis.com

Jay's....

Christmas Stocking

This year in your Christmas stocking you will get :

A Bag of Fairy Kisses

Find out what you will get in your Christmas stocking at Quizopolis.com

2007-12-05T23:07:00.000-07:00

Which Reindeer are you?????

Jay....

Which of Santa's Reindeer are you?

Cupid

Like Cupid you know how to spread love. You have a place in your heart for everyone and are always there with a hug or a kiss

Find out which of Santa's Reindeer you are at Quizopolis.com

Me.....

Which of Santa's Reindeer are you?

Comet

Like Comet you are always happy. Nothing seems to get you down and you can always put a smile on people's faces

Find out which of Santa's Reindeer you are at Quizopolis.com

2007-12-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

What's your Grinch Name ????

Mine is.........Miserlygrinch Rascalhead

Jay is.........Grumpymonster Rascalhead

So who are you????

http://www.yourgeekfriend.com/GrinchName/GrinchName.php

2007-11-30T22:50:00.000-07:00

Festival of trees.....

Jay, Katy and I took Jayda and Noah to the Festival of Trees tonight.... what a great time we had :) I am getting addicted to making montages so I thought I would have some funwith the pics from tonight... hope you enjoy ;)

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

2007-11-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

RPL testing....

I heard from Dr.G today... so far all things are looking pretty good. My thyroid is a bit out of wack despite being on meds already so I have to see my family dr for an adjustment asap. Dr.G wants to keep a very close eye on things and if we can't get perfect control he will send me to yet another specialist... oh goody :P. My HSG showed that structurally all is fine so that was really good. There are a few results yet to come in so something may crop up but he feels quite positive that there will be nothing... wish I could feel that way. In one way I am happy nothing is wrong and on the other hand it makes things so hard because it means there is no reason for why I lost our babies :(

We have also been given the clearence to start trying again. Jay and I talked and are going to go on our own til at least the new year and then we will look at meds again. I would like to still have the biopsy if Dr.G can ever get a good time because that will tell us if my hormones are allowing a proper lining to buld for an embryo to implant in... guess we will see what happens.

2007-11-20T17:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Walmart. How may I help you.....

Just had to share my geeky picture lol. Work is going great... I am sooooooo happy I made the move! I have been cross trained on cash and to be a people greeter and really enjoy both. I volunteered to do the midnight shifts when we go 24 hours ... that ought to be interesting :)

2007-11-08T23:43:00.000-07:00

Retail here I come....

Well I am back to the working world as of Saturday. I went to an interview at Wal-mart tonight and was hired on the spot. I will be a cashier... woo hoo just in time for Christmas lol. Pay could be better but isn't horrilbe. Benefits after 6 months, profit sharing, stock options, discount shopping... overall pretty decent.

Wish me luck its beem over 18 years since I have done retail lol

2007-11-04T00:03:00.000-06:00

Its been awhile.....
and so much has been going on. The latest big news is that I quit my job. It got to just be too much to handle and it jsut had to happen. After many hours of soul searching and talking to Jay and the family along with my counseller I have also decided to leave the rehab field. It may only be for awhile or it may be forever... I will just see where life takes me in the next few months.

In other news...

We have finally started the process for the recurrent pregnancy loss testing. It took a bit to get my guts up to go but its actually underway. I had all the bloodwork drawn and am being tested for everything imaginable... to the tune of 12 viles of blood! I have my HSG scheduled for Monday am so we will see if there is a structural problem with my uterus. We have yet to schedule the endometrial biopsy... Dr.G is tryign to decide the best way to get this one in becuase it has to be done at a certain point in the cycle and my cycles are crazy if not non existant but to get drugs to keep a month on track we could mask some of the possible issues. He wants to think about it and see what we get from the other results.

My counselling is progressing at a nice pace. I can not believe how hard it has been and yet how positive it has been. I am learning so much about myself and who I am to me. I have shed many tears and felt emotion so overwhelming it took my breath away and yet I keep going back. I have yet to start journelling but I know I need to.... there is so much I want to get out and for so many reasons its not okay to put it down here on the blog. On the advice of my counseller we are attending a monthly miscarriage support group and its been a very positive experience for both jay and myself...and it is helping us heal and move forward to hopefully trying again God willing. Also on the advice of my counseller I am reading The Complete ACOA Source book. I read chapter one... I haven't been able to go back to it. It was like the author was in my head. As things in my sessions progress I will try going to an ACOA meeting and to become involved ina journey of healing with others like me. I did try an ACOA chat room yesterday and it was an awakening experience as well.... these people I have never met are living my life inside my head inside my heart... what a sad connection! So the joureny will tough and I know I have mnay hard moments ahead of me... I just keep dreaming of the day I won't feel the overwhelming sadness and can heal some of the many wounds on my heart.

Okay... now that all that tough stuff is out on to the positives. Been seeing lots of the kids... got to make a quick trip to Calgary and let me tell you when the days are the darkest I pull on those memories and look at my pictures of all those little loving faces to help pull me through. So on that note I will sign off and leave you will some smiles :)

2007-10-15T22:25:00.000-06:00

What we did today....

As my previous post said today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Rememberence Day. Jay and I lit candle last year but this year we decided to go a little further. We bought some balloons, headed down to the river and released them. We then wrote a message in the sand and watched as the balloons drifted away. This evening at 7pm we lit our candles as part of the wave of light... this year we lit 3 candles for our angels, one for all the angels known to us and one for all the the angels that are unknown to us but should be remembered. Its been a good day and I feel really peaceful... more peaceful than I have in a very long time.

2007-10-15T18:24:00.000-06:00

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day....

Just Those Few Weeks
by Susan Erling

For those few weeks

I had you to myself.

And that seems to short a time

to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks

I came to know you...and to love you.

You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks

when I lost you,

I lost a lifetime of hopes,

plans,dreams, and aspirations

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks

It wasn't enough time to convince others

how special and important you were.

How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks

and no "normal" person

would cry all night over a tiny, unfinished baby,

or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.

No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks,

my little one.

You darted in and out of my life too quickly

but it seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life so much richer

and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

2007-10-10T14:49:00.000-06:00

Made the call I have been avoiding since July.......

and I see Dr.G on the 25th. I feel just ill. I don't want to go but I have to go. I don't want to face it if the tests prove that I will never carry a baby but I have to know and I have to face it. How will I deal with never being able to carry my own baby? How can I take that dream away from Jay?

My counseller has been pushing me to make the appointment. She truly believes I need to move forward with the recurrent loss testing to be able to move forward. She believes its for the best to do the testing. I am choosing to place my trust in her because right now I can't beleive it for myself. I know it can be a simple fix, I know we may get no answers at all, I know we may never be able to do this.

How do I go on if there is no answers? How do I move forward and get pg again and not know why I have failed three other babies? How do I open my heart again?

How do I do it period? What if its a simple fix? What if the fix doesn't work? How will I handle another miscarriage? How many times do we try before our hearts will break to the point of never healing?

How do I move ahead if I am told no babies for me? Yes there are other ways I know that... but its not my dream. I have felt the early presence of a life within me. I have felt the overwhelming love of just a few weeks. I want to feel a life completely grow with in me, I want to hold a new being as they take their first breath and cry and know I am the one who can comfort that cry.

How do I do it? I don't know. I really and truly don't know. I see him on the 25th and we move ahead. I made the appt because I have no refills for my metformin used to treat the PCOS... I had no choice... I had to make the appt. I haven't had a period since my miscarriage... for my health I had to make the appt. I have to have answers whether I am ready to hear them or not... for that I had to make the appt.

No more living in denial...

2007-10-08T21:50:00.000-06:00

Steak + Turkey = MMM MMM Good Thanksgiving dinner....

Yesterday we headed over to Al's for the day. What a wonderful day! Great weather and realaxation, time with family and friends (including Buster ;D ) and topped off with a fantastic dinner and a fire... who could ask for more :) Al made all the traditional thanksgiving foods and then tossed in steak and grilled peppers... YUMMY! Dessert was enjoyed later by the fire and was pumpkin pie with ice cream, whipped cream and a drizzle of coffee sauce... sooooo delicious! All in all it was a fantastic day.Buster loved being hooked to the clothesline and running the yard all day though he is one sleepy old boy today lol. Jay managed to get a few pictures but we got none of him cause he had the camera all day lol

LOL sticking his tongue out at me

2007-10-07T13:21:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving......

I am thankful for Jay and his never ending love and support

I am thankful for my amazing family and the gift of unconditional love

I am thankful for my great nieces and nephews and the joy I feel in my heart when I see them smile

I am thankful for my angel babies while not with me their brief presence in my life has taught me so much

I am thankful for my friends both in real life and online

I am thankful for a job that I love to go to everyday

I am thankful for Edmonton Mental Health and my counseller who are helping me find the light at the end of the tunnel

I am thankful to have a roof over my head and food in my cupboards

I am thankful for my health and the health of all those around me

I am thankful for my furbabies ;)

2007-10-05T17:29:00.000-06:00

A project for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.....

I really felt the need to do something to mark this month and this is what I came with

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

2007-09-29T16:32:00.000-06:00

My New Theme Song.....

Okay I first heard a snippit of this song on a commercial of all thi8ngs and loved it. Jay heard it on the radio one day and got the name and title .... Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. Its so positive and uplifting and such a good song for looking to the future and all that lays ahead. Heres the video and lyrics....

I am unwritten, can't read my mind,

I'm undefined

I'm just beginning,

the pen's in my hand,

ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, ohI break tradition,

sometimes my tries,

are outside the lines

We've been conditioned to not make mistakes,

but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

2007-09-29T16:13:00.001-06:00

Two years ago.....

Today.......

LOL it will be interesting to check out the difference in hair in another couple years

2007-09-27T14:08:00.000-06:00

My anniversary project for Jay :)

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

2007-09-25T15:33:00.001-06:00

Some pics from today.....

And Buster post walk.... poor boy all wore out

2007-09-23T14:03:00.000-06:00

Its Been awhile......

Since we shared pics from a walk. We decided to brave the whoping temps of 4 degrees today to stroll the neighbourhood.... the leaves are pretty but UGH I am so not ready for fall cause that means ack that winter is around the corner :P Buster is loving the long walks and exploring... to bad something caught his eye so he wasn't looking at the camera too lol

2007-09-08T21:15:00.000-06:00

And the family grows by one....

Noah Jackson Winjet has arrived! Congratulations Steve and Katy and of course big sister Jayda! We went to spend the afternoon with the happy family today and sigh there is nothing quite as good for the soul as having a snuggle with a new baby!

a few pics from today....

2007-09-02T23:54:00.000-06:00

Just have to brag....

We actually started Christmas shopping! I can't say what we bought of course but I am so darn proud of us lol! I never in my life thought I would be shopping in September for gifts but dang it feels good.

Hmmm in other news not much going on... our biggest thing on the agenda right now is waiting for the call that Katy is FINALLY in labour! Come on Little man you have a whole crazy loving group anxiously awaiting your arrival!

2007-08-25T22:19:00.000-06:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAY !!!!!

2007-08-20T09:57:00.000-06:00

Angel Whisper's

An angel whispers in our ear

Don't worry mommy and daddy I am here

I watch over you from up above

I see your tears and I feel your love

I know you want me there with you

But God had other things for me to do

I'm here with Peanut and now Sweetpea too

And we play in the clouds as we wait for you

I know its hard that a year's gone by

But I have my wings and I am learning to fly

So think of me mommy and daddy to

And smile knowing special angels watch over you

And each time you think of me up above

Please know that I am sending down my love

And those gentle feelings of a breeze

Those are lots of hugs for you from me

So please don't be sad that I went away

For I live in your hearts each and everyday

written for Trouble one year after growing wings

2007-08-19T12:53:00.000-06:00

Our Summer to date....

Wow its been a loing time since I actually sat to write anything... other than the major happenings of the past few weeks that is. So what is there to say... not a ton really. Our summer has been pretty much a bust. I am working an avg of 91 hours a week so we haven't had a ton of time for our ususal summer activites.

Jay and I did go away one weekend with the clients I am working with and another staff member... it was so much fun and of course had the bonus of being paid as well.

We went to Capital Ex with Lynne... mmmmm corn dogs and mini donuts. Lynne and I actually decided to be brave and check out the virtual reality game.... it was a blast.

I got a new hair do... wow its been to long since I had some fun colors in my hair. Thanks for sending me to Imah Lynne and Katy ;)

We hit the outdoor market in St.Albert... I can't beleive I hadn't hauled Lynne and Katy out there before then cause I have been often lol. It was a blast even if we got rained on... can anyone say soggy!

We had planned to go to heritge days that weekend too but got rained out :P so instead we spent the weekend visiting at Katy and Steve's and watching Jayda discover the fun of laundry baskets lol

On to Katy's garage sale weekend.... it's always interesting to meet garage sale goers lol.

Papa and Uncle Jay said sell

Nana said no way lol

And of course just a couple other fun shots...

So that about sums it up. Thnaks goodness for weekneds off so I can see the family. Next week end pretty much wraps up summer. I am big shock working while everyone else is in Calgary helping Dan and Carmen move into their new house... sure wish I was gonna be there to :(

With that I will sign off .... heres one last shot to leave you smiling ;) Buster showing off his new raincoat!

2007-08-13T23:51:00.000-06:00

We remember you.....

Ernest Kelly

January 25, 1920- August 11, 1996

Murray Grant

December 21, 1930- August 13, 1985

Missing You

No words I write can ever say

How much I miss you every day.

As time goes by, the loneliness grows;

How I miss you, nobody knows!

I think of you in silence,

I often speak your name,

But all I have are memories

And photos in a frame.

No one knows my sorrow,

No one sees me weep,

But the love I have for you

Is in my heart to keep.

I've never stopped loving you

I'm sure I never will;

Deep inside my heart,

You are with me still.

Heartaches in this world are many

But mine is worse than any.

My heart still aches as I whisper low,

"I need you and I miss you so."

The things we feel so deeply

Are often the hardest to say,

But I just can't keep quiet any more,

So I'll tell you anyway.

There is a place in my heart

That no one else can fill;

I love you so, Dad,

And I always will.

Author Unknown

2007-07-16T19:14:00.000-06:00

Another year down....

Can someone please tell me that this next year will be better?? I have tried many times in the last few days to think of things that are truly positive from my 36th year and ya know other than having a great marriage and husband and a loving family I can't think of a damn thing... and thank god I have those things to be positive about!

I think of the babies I have sent to heaven, I think of my near breakdown and having to go on antidepressents, I think of all the crap that just feel so overwhelming and then as if I haven't had enough crap this past year I lose Teddi to. I know shes in a better place and she looked so very peaceful when we found her but god how I miss her.

I think of the future year and know that I am facing all the testing for recurrent pregnancy loss... will we get the solution to our issues or will we be told that I will never carry a baby... one of my hugest fears. I know we can adopt and its something we have both said, that regardless of whether we have a biological child or not, we would like to do. But damn it I want my turn; I want to feel my baby move, I want to hear a heart beat, I want the labour pains... I want the whole deal from start to finish!

I start my counselling FINALLY on August 27th.... god how I hope it helps me. I hope I can gain some insight into myself and why I think and feel the way I do.

I hope that we can have many happy times in this upcoming year. I hope next year I have nothing but good to say about my 37th year. I just am trying with all I have to simply have hope for the future!

2007-07-15T13:51:00.001-06:00

Saying Good Bye....

Teddi

October 6, 1994- July 14, 2007

Time to Go
The time has come I think you know

the Lord is calling so I must go

I love you so much; I wish it wasn't so

I wish I could stay; I don't want to go

You're the best family a dog ever had

so kind and gentle, never mean or mad

I'll never forget the day that we met

I was so lucky to become your pet

You opened your door and showed me your heart

I'll never forget you; we'll never part

You loved me and cared for me over the years

you taught me everything and took away my fears

The Lord is calling now I must go

but before I go I want you to know

I know it hurts to lose a friend

but I'll always be with you even to the end.

Written by John Quealy

2007-07-11T00:12:00.001-06:00

I would die for that....

I was hunting around at online at random and came across the link to this video. WOW does it ever describe how I feel!

2007-06-19T15:48:00.000-06:00

Sent another angel to heaven :(........

Well the much dreaded happened and we have lost another baby. Here is a run down of the last few days....

Sunday Night

I felt like I was living a total nightmare! I went to the washroom and discovered I was spotting :( .. looks just like when things started with my other losses :( I was at work and there is nothing the hospital can do for me that time of night so I stuck it out at work til my ob opened in the am. I was so beyond scared its not even funny :( Jay is came to the house and spent the night here just incase things got bad

Monday Morning

I talked to my ob's nurse. They wanted me to go in to ER. I am having isolated left side pain and the spotting has now turned red... at this point they want to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. I did some research last night and I am exhibiting symptoms :( and meet the risk catagories as well :(
Iwas feeling so lost and numb... I don't know how to go through this again :(

Monday evening... home from the ER

I came from the ER and what a jerk the dr was.... very odd for the Misericordia.

Anyways he said that my uterus and tubes were totally empty and that either a) I am not pg ( even though it was a blood test by the dr that confirmed it) or b my dates are way off or c) I miscarried and didn't realize it.( um duh I think I would have noticed passing a seven week fetus)

Seriously I felt like hitting him. He was just so callous and didnt even bother coming all the way into my room or even look at me while he delivered the news.

We came to realize that there is a very real possibility that this is a chemical pregnacy and while physically its not as hard emotionally its still another slam.

I have an appointment with Dr.G tomorrow at one and we will see what he has to say. Jay and I have done a lot of soul searching and talking and have decided that we are going on hold for at least 6 months and perferably on bc to keep my cycles going somewhat regular and when we are ready we will try again

Finally today

So over all I feel MUCH better after talking to my own dr! He was very upset with how I was treated yesterday and will deal with it so yay.

as for me...
it is definately a miscarriage. The a$$ at the hosptial said my uterus was empty but he was WRONG! there was a sac... the position of it indicates that it could have still possibly been an ectopic so Dr.G is monitoring my hcg levels until they are at zero and then we move on to the next step. At this point he wants me to miscarry naturally and to avoid yet another d&c... he said as the next two weeks go by he will decide if we need to revisit the possibility of a d&c if the miscarriage doesnt progress. Once the miscarriage is over we move on to trying to discover why this is happening

He said all in all there are about 19 tests that will done... many of them blood work. I will be having an hsg and a uterine biopsy ( ow and ow lol) and those tests could be expanded based on results. Jay will be having bloodwork done too.

We are definately on hold for right now.... for how long is to be determined. I can't go on bc until all the testing is finished and I can't get pg til then at least either. That gives us a little more time to decide exactly how we want to prevent a pregnancy and for how long. I am going to take the time to refocus on me and to get back into the gym. Jay and I are going to just keep ourselves focused on saving and taking care of ourselves and see where it leads us. Dr.G would like me to lose some weight before we try again but was very nice about it... I figure this is a good chance to do that and had thought about it before I ever went to see him. he did also say due to my age he wouldnt like to see us go on hold for too long nad ideally we hould look at about 6 months.

So there we have it. I have so many mixed emotions about this loss. I am sad and yet feel numb to it. I know its happening but it doesnt seem real either if that makes any sense at all.

2007-06-17T13:19:00.000-06:00

Happy 1st Birthday Sara-Lyn!!!

Then.....

And now.....

2007-06-11T22:08:00.000-06:00

Well after months of trying we are finally expecting again WOO HOOO. By my calculations I am due Feb.4/08 and that makes me 6 weeks pregnant at this point... scarey because that is the stage we were at with our second miscarriage. Jay and I are feeling very positive this time and have decided that regardless we will enjoy this new little life growing in me for however long he/she stays with us. I have my first ultrasound on June 21 to make sure we are doing okay... so please say tons of prayers that we see a little heartbeat! Then I have my first prenantal appointment on July 9 and I start my appointments with the Diabetes specialist this Thursday and thats a very good thing because holyman are my sugars going CRAZY! We will obviously keep everyone updated as time goes along. I am also journaling specifically for just this pregnancy and everyone is of course welcome to come by and have a read the link is... http://www.babycrowd.com/jr/online/kelegr/

2007-05-20T00:36:00.000-06:00

Excuse the mess...

yes we are remodeling again lol. This time we are experimenting with fonts and dividers so check back often to see how it all turns out :)

2007-05-06T18:59:00.000-06:00

Happy 1st Birthday Jayda!!!!

Mmmmmmmmm........Yummy Cake!!!

2007-04-20T21:40:00.000-06:00

What do beans, cottage cheese and timmies have in common.....

Our freaky animals love them lol. I had an odd supper tonight... brown beans and cottage cheese and the cats decided to investigate. I knew Taz like brown beans... what I didn't expect was the fussiest cat of all time eating cottage cheese lol. I have mentioned the new found love of timmies by the dogs before... tonight we just caught the proof on camera :)

2007-04-19T16:47:00.000-06:00

Marie Grant

October 30, 1934- April 19, 1995

Your presence we miss, Your memory we treasure,Loving you always, Forgetting you never.
~ Author Unknown

Thinking of you today and Always mom! I love and miss you!

2007-04-18T12:12:00.000-06:00

That is just not ok....

Saw this while i was surfing around and thought i would share it...lol

2007-04-18T11:46:00.000-06:00

Ok i gave this thingy a whack.......

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

2007-04-17T14:27:00.000-06:00

Spring is in the air....

And with it comes time to get back into our walking routine! We took the dogs and headed out today and just enjoyed the fresh air... and I TOTALLY enjoyed walking in my sandles! I just hope the weather lasts... I am so done with winter!

I managed to get a shot of Jay and the dogs... aren't they cute :P

Thats about it for excitment around here lol. I am working an INSANE amount of hours and getting very little time at home these days... I think that month off was some kind of blessing from above so I would be rested enough to take on work for this month lol. And speaking of work I better tear myself away from here and finish our early supper of Spinach and Feta perogies before I have to go again... sigh !

2007-04-11T14:46:00.000-06:00

Saw this...
On a friends blog and thought it looked like fun.... Whats your visual DNA?

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Oh yeah and I am still alive... jsut back to work and we all knows that means very little time at home :P

2007-03-29T12:37:00.000-06:00

Its been a year
My Peanut Dear
Since you went away
I think about you everyday
And wonder why you couldn't stay
I know your safe in Jesus' arms
But I want you here with me
I see babies everywhere
And wonder who you'd be
A girl with daddies big blue eyes
A boy with a chin like me
I love you my little Peanut
And I know I always will
Rest in Heaven with your grandparents
And with little Trouble to
Until the day that Mommy and Daddy
Can make their way to you
written for Peanut one year after growing angel wings

2007-03-27T11:42:00.000-06:00

Baby Kisses, toddler giggles and girl talk....

That about sums up my weekend :) I left on Friday on a trip to Calgary with Lynne. It was a real treat to get away and it was fantastic getting to see Carmen and the girls... and Dan to for the couple hours he was there :)

We had lots of fun with the girls and I saw many areas of Calgary when we were out adventuring. I can't believe how big both Sara and Hannah are getting and hearing Hannah call me Auntie Kerri for the first time just melted my heart.

All in all it was one of the BEST weekends I have had in a very long time... and how can it not be when you wake up to these beautiful smiles :)

2007-03-27T11:39:00.000-06:00

Hanging out with Auntie Kerri and Nana Makes me sooo tired...

Going

Gone

2007-03-21T02:11:00.000-06:00

On to another round of Clomid...

We got the results of my lastest blood test today and once again I am not PG. Todays negative hit me really hard. I had the signs... I was so sure. I HATE the mind games I play with myself. 99% of the time I am ok and I can move foward with a positive outlook but today was just different. I don't know why the clomid didn't work this cycle when it did the last time. Dr.G is away so one of his partners reviewed my file and prescribed me the prometium I need to get things rolling so we can move forward. I hate it, I hate that my body is so screwed up.I know our time will come but right now that doesn't give me any comfort.

This time last year we were so happy. This time last year I had a tiny life living within me. This time last year I never dreamed of all we would end up going through on our journey to become parents. That happiness came to a halt on March 29th. We got up, we tried again, we succeeded to once again have that little one taken from us... a little one who should be joining the world in just a couple weeks. I think that's why todays negative hit me harder than the others. I was sure I would be pregnant by now, Dr.G was sure, heck I think everyone around me was pretty sure and yet here I sit wondering why and longing so badly for a baby to call my own.

2007-03-21T01:40:00.000-06:00

Movies our new addiction....

So being off has allowed us lots of freedom to do what we want when we want. Its been nice. We have caught up on movies at home... SawIII, Carrie, Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood ( much to Jays chagrin lol), American Pie presents Band Camp... and others that I can't remember at this moment.

On top of those we have been to the theatre 3 times as well ( got to love airmiles all inclusive movie passes).

First we saw Premonition . Excellent movie. One that requires some concentration but over all we really liked it. It's one of those that I would like to see again because I know I missed stuff the first time around.

Based on many family recommendations we went to see Blood Diamond It has got to be one of the most disturbing movies that I have ever seen. We walked away just ill at the horrors that the movie portrayed and what these people are living through. One particular scene keeps playing over and over in my head...where Solomon wonders how his countrymen have turned against each other. It spoke volumes to the plight of all of those trapped by civial conflict. The violence was sickening, the terror was so realistic. Definately a movie that I want to add to my collection. If you haven't seen it I HIGHLY recommend that you do... it will change you forever.

Then today we headed off to see Wild Hogs we had, had a pretty crappy morning and Jay decided we needed a laugh... and boy did we laugh. What a great feel good movie. It was more than just a comedy. There was the tests of freindships, various levels of relationship issues, self discovery... it was a little of everything and well worth a trip to the theatre. I can still get myself chuckling when I think of some of John Travoltas scenes... just a hoot overall. So if you need a laugh or just need a pick me up go see it... I know you won't be sorry.

So we have 2 passes left and I have 10 more days off. We will likely go to at least one more show but we can't decide on what. We are leaning towards Zodiac but who knows what we will see. Anyone have any rcommendations????

2007-03-21T01:35:00.000-06:00

Spoiled Cat....

So we bought the cats a new toy the other day when we were at dollarama. Very simple string attached to a bouncy plastic piece that goes over a door handle. They both love it. Tonight we were laying in bed watching Miami Ink and Taz was playing away... then he stopped and started to meow. Jay got up to see what his problem was and the string was caught up ... well Jay untangles it then comes back to bed and Taz goes back to playing. We know our furbabies are spoiled but in that moment we realized just how well they have US trained lol!

2007-03-16T13:11:00.000-06:00

Kerri ( I used my proper name of Kerri-Lea ain't it great to be unique!)

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
0
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Jay

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
185
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

2007-03-14T22:10:00.000-06:00

Cradle Robber.....

Jay got ID'd today.... guess the chick thought he had a real baby face and that would make me old enough to be his mother EWWWWWWWWWWWW . I know he looks young but come on... I don't think he looks under 18 lol

In other news not much is happening. My WCB is processed and I got my first cheque today... woo hoo just in time to pay bills. I did discover that while I do fine walking around the house I don't do so well outside. I don't know if its the pressure from my shoe or what but looks like I will have to get out more and get my foot into shape. I still have a couple weeks of... 16 days of captivity left lol so there is time to get it ready for work again.

We are on bfp watch... so far so good this month. Blood test on Monday! Keep your fingers, toes and everything else crossed for us!

2007-03-14T15:48:00.000-06:00

OK..so my grammer sucks...lol

Your Language Arts Grade: 95%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).
Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Make a Quiz

2007-03-10T00:34:00.000-07:00

Maybe those college English classes paid off after all...

Your Language Arts Grade: 93%

2007-03-09T01:56:00.000-07:00

Long days and sleepless nights...

2 am and here I sit once again. I have had crazy awake hours since I have been off. I know I am not burning nearly enough energy but I also know that I have wayyyy to much time to think and that is just never a good thing.

I have so many thoughts of growing up and so many not so great memories. I am talking to Jay, I am talking to Lynne, I am talking to Kathy... all in the hopes that I can keep the memories from becoming overwhelming again. I so badly wanted to start the counselling. I hate that I have to wait until into April but who knows maybe there is a higher power at work directing my course better than I can ever hope to understand.

I am also trying to focus on positives. As I said in another post I am doing all sorts of baby product reviews, I am allowing myself to dream and to look towards the future. But I am terrified at the same time. It was March 10th last year that we got the news that I was pg for the first time. I will know with in the next 6 days If I am pregnant now. So I am trying to dream and I am trying not to dwell and get stuck on the negative thoughts that want to come with the anniversary of my first miscarriage.... how can it be nearly a year already. I will never forget that baby but I am ready to move on.

Why are the memories forcing themselves on me? Why can't Peanut stay at rest? Why do I let it all torture me this way? I know no one can answer those questions. I know I have to deal with all this crap on my own knowing that those that love me are there to support me. I know one day I can find peace and joy in my memories again. I just want it now. I want my peaceful oblivion back. I don't want the heartache and pain that comes with remembering. Yet here I am with all those who have gone before me and sadly I know some will follow me. I just want it all to go away!

2007-03-07T21:45:00.001-07:00

Randomness...

Several posts to follow... just trying to break up subject matter to make reading a little easier :) And yes we redid the blog again... part of my cure of boredom lol

2007-03-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

The Toe...

Only 23 days of captivity left lol. I am going sooooo stir crazy at home... never thought that would happen. I got a call from WCB today and my claim has been accepted....BUT theres issues. Of course there is issues its us we are talking about and it always seems we end up with a complication. Apparently they have not recieved the paperwork from the hospital or from my boss and until that happens theya re stuck. The adjudicator said he was going to call them today and ensure it gets sent in. He also was VERY confused about how my hours and rates of pay work. I think he understood after a 10 minute conversation... then he siad oh sorry I'm new and don't really know how to do this stuff. Well OH GOODY! At least he is on top of it and I know that one day soon... hopefully before the bills are due on the 15th... we will have some money. Oh and the toe is doing a bit better. I can function in the house with out my cane so thats a bonus. I have quite a bit of walking to do tomorrow so we will see how it holds up.

2007-03-07T21:43:00.000-07:00

Planning for parenting....

In my boredom I have been spending ridiculous amounts of time online. I am for the most part looking at baby stuff and trying to find reviews on the various items that we are looking at purchasing. If anyone knows a Canadian base review site please let me know because on the sites I have found the produsts arew largly not available here and the stuff we have isn't reviewed on them. I ha.ve also found some fun online shopping places. We have had nursery bedding picked forever and at sears I could get just the bedding... well I found a place that has every possible matching accessory right down to drawer pulls ( perfect since we are redoing furniture).

Also on the baby front I have been researching breast vs bottle feeding and circumcision. WOW the strong opinions. Its amazing how people are so black and white. I know what we are going to do and those decsions won't be swayed by what I am reading but I can sure see how it coulds totally confuse someone who wasn't sure. I was quite tempted to jump into a conversation about howtaking my metformin would be like taking illicet drugs while breast feeding. Unfrickin real when metformin aside from helping my diabetes actually encourages my hormone levels to be normailized... thus possibly beinbg the only way I could even produce breast milk. Yeah... like I said black and white and I am glad that Jay and I have been able to come to our decisons based on our own research/expereinces and talking to my dr's.And speaking of parenting. I see Dr.G for a check up tomorrow so lets hope in the next few daays we are getting some good news. I will be happy if just the clomid continued to work but I know you can all wel imagine how estatic we would be to get that BFP!

2007-03-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

Doggie Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...

We are at a loss with what to do for Buster. Quite awhile ago I posted how scared he is when we make shake and bake chicken. Well that has expanded to us putting any form of chicken in the oven. Its gotten so much worse since the night we had to be evacuated. I know that snuggling him probably encourages the behavior but a the same time we can;t let him get to worked up becasue he could have a seizure... what a mess. If anyone has any ideas please share them... sometimes it helps to hear from some one on the outside looking in.