Who came up with the idea that kids should go door to door and ask for candy???? And why aren't adults included in that??? I WANT CHOCOLATE lol! There is nothing quite like a little halloween chocolate bar... guess we have to go buy our own dang it lol

Dear Mom,

Here we are at yet another of your birthdays. These last few weeks you have nearly endlessly been on my mind. I have so many questions and I miss you so much.

It has really been frustrating me that you are not here. It makes me downright mad that you aren't here to meet your beautiful great-granddaughters and that you will not meet the newest great grandbaby that is due right away. It makes me mad that you were not here for me when Jay and I lost our first two babies. Yes I have the rest of the family but its not YOU... my mom the one I should be going to for comfort and support. It makes me mad that you won;t be here when I do finally have a baby. It is not right that my child and all of your great grandchildren will only know you through our memories and stories of you. It makes me mad that you aren't here to see how successful my life is turning out to be. It makes me mad that you weren't here to meet my husband and to be a part of our lives.

I wonder why you made the choices you did. I wonder why you didn't take better care of yourself... especially when you first started to get sick. So many things may have turned around and you maybe could still be with us. I really wonder why you made many of the choices you did when we were all growing up. Many of them just simply were not ok and I wish you could be here to explain it to me so I could try to understand.

I miss you mom and I don't think that will ever change. And even though right now I am mad as hell at you I really do love you. I may not ever understand the choices you made but I would like to believe that you did the best with the skills that you had. I have many happy memories to and they are what are carrying me through. I hope you are resting peacefully and I look forward to seeing you in heaven one day. Until then I will try to move forward and understand all of the questions I have that will never be answered.

Happy Birthday Mom... I do love you,

Kerri

Parenting 101...

So as anyone who knows me knows... I am a people watcher. Always have been always will be lol. I get my fill on a regular basis on the bus some times its happy, sometimes sad, sometimes just plain funny as hell. These days though I find myself really drawn to watching how parents are acting and interacting with their kids. This past week I saw a daddy that warmed my heart and a mom that I wanted to string up by her nails.

The dad was a young guy... I would say at the very most 18... and that would be pushing it. He was alone with his little girl who I would guess to be about a year old. It was quite apparent that she wasn't feeling good and he was trying so hard to keep her happy. Initially there were no seats availble for him so he was just chatting with her and when he was finally able to sit down he picked her up and she snuggled right in for kisses and a back rub... it was very touching... you could see the love in his touch and how much she adored her daddy.

Not to long later I am sitting on the LRT and a young mom amd her baby got on with a few friends. They were laughing and joking about the mom going to court and all the warrents she had for her arrest currently. She was laughing about going to JAIL and how she would get to see the babies daddy and how damn she wouldn't be able to leave Canada ever because of her long criminal record and that no more baby jail for her now. I was just sick. I was sitting looking at this precious little baby maybe all of 3-4 months old and thinking what a life she's been brought into. It makes me so stinking mad.... furious even. It makes me insane that people act irresponsibly when they have children. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes but there is a time to grow the frick up and become the adult your children need.

I guess part of my issue watching that mom is thinking of my own childhood. My parents made bad choices that will impact all of us always... its what we do with that impact that matters. I have thought lots this last week about what life would be like now if things were different growing up. Would we all be the adults we are today or would our lives be greatly different? Would we have all made the same choices? Would I change my life now... no way. Would I change my childhood sure... for some things but not all of it becasue though there was bad there is also lots of good. But then the reality is through the bad we did become who we are... so I don't know I would want to change things... it really is a fine line.

On the same token I know that young mom bugged the hell out of me because of all we are going through to become parents. We have a stable home and marriage. We have a love filled awesome extended family that would be actively involved in our baby's life. We WANT a baby more than anything... and yet we struggle. We have sent two babies to heaven, I am starting a fertility drug in the hopes that the next time we have a baby at the end of a pregancy instead of another angel. We are doing everything in our power to do this parenting thing right. Then you go down to skid row and see babies being neglected as their parents do drugs, you see people laughing about going to jail, you hear horrors of abuse on the evening news. How is that OK?? Why is it so damn hard for some people to become parents? We aren't the only ones, hell there are many who have it even harder than us. Its just not fair!

Getting rid of the crazies...

or at least I am hoping to. I think the meds are really starting to kick in now and that sure is making a difference in my whole thought process... but at the same time I am having so many different thoughts surfacing.

I talked to Lynne last night for nearly two hours trying to sort out memories of the various homes we lived in growing up. Some I have right, some I have mixed up, some I don't remember at all. It really bugs the crap out of me to say the least... but hey I am sure it will come in time our with counselling... at least I can hope it will.

More and more I am coming to realize how much... way too much... of my childhood and the childhoods of all my siblings was simply NOT OK. I love my parents... that will never change but boy did they make some seriously bad decisons... but out of respect for them and my family I will not discuss them in detail. I am so thankful for Lynne at this point. I know I am going to need professional help to get through this... but her support is going to be instumental I am sure.

Its The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown....

was on TV tonight. Jay and I tuned in and had a good chuckle... amazing how things from childhood can do that for you :)

We have had a pretty quiet day...mostly playing games. A little rummy, a little Yahtzee and then many hands of Three-Thirteen a new game we found online today. It was a total hoot and a challenge and we can totally see how much fun we can have with the whole family if we play when we get together :) We are really finding that we are enjoying passing the time with games but really need to expand what we have... so with Christmas coming ( hint hint) we are hoping that ( hint hint) we might have some new ones to play ( hint hint) in the new year :P

Operation Clomid here we come.....

Yet another update to our TTC journey. We had an appointment this morning with Dr.G because I have yet to have a period and its been 8 weeks since we lost Trouble.( Dr.G had told me to come back so we could induce a period if I hadn't had one on my one in 8 weeks) I have to go for a pg test on Sunday( I am 99.9% sure its going to be negative since I just had a negative test on the 10th) then after getting the results Monday I start a drug called Prometrium for 7 days then we wait til my period starts and for cycle days 3-7 I take Clomid which is a common fertility medication for woman with PCOS. And then let the praying begin.

I hope beyond all hopes this does the trick. I am not to worried about geting PG right away because it can take 3-5 months with using Clomid and it has a succees rate of 85-99% ... its whether our next little one will stick around to join us here on earth. Over all we are feeling very positive about the process though Jay might not think so when I get the hormonal side effects that are supposed to come with taking the drug... oh and then there is the 20% chance of twins ... but we just won't think about that lol.

No matter how we look at it we are on the road toward becoming parents again... how sweet would it be if we got that BFP for Christmas :)

Ramblings...

So a few of you know I applied for a new position at my job... well I got it. Effective Nov.1/06 I will be a Team Leader at the residence I work at. I am looking forward to the change and looking even more forward to the nearly 2 bucks an hour more I will be making lol. For now there will be now change to my hours. We are going to try a month of me doing things with in the capacity of the hours I work now and switch things as I need them and then decide down the road what my permanent hours will be.

Ummm whatelse... well I started my meds. Not a huge change yet but then its been less than a week. I am starting to feel a little better and am having less negative thoughts... so I guess thats a good sign. What has changed dramatically with them is my blood sugars. One of the side effectys listed was low blood sugar and they weren't kidding. Its been an adventure to say the least and I will have to readjust all my insulin levels... but thats minor if theses meds make me feel human again.

Jay and I have been doing lots of talking and I am still up in the air about seeking counselling though I am leaning towards it. I shocked myself today when I said to him I am mad at my dad. And I will say it again I am MAD at my dad. I am mad at the choices he made that stole him from me at such a young age, I am mad that he picked alcohol over his family, I am mad that he chose to live on skid row instead of with us... I am just plain mad. Do you know he died when I was 15 years old and I have never actually said that I was mad at him. Its hard to judge another person unless you actually live in their shoes but damn it he had a famliy that loved him and he chose the damn bottle and it was the bottle that killed him. I am MAD but I still LOVE him and miss him terribly. I think of him often, I long to know what he would think of my life. Its just so damn hard.

Do you know I am MAD at my mom to. She was sick for a long time. She made choices to shorten rather than prolong her life, she made choices young that impacted her life later on. She should be here enjoying her children, granchildren and great-grandchildren...not laying in the ground in a cemetary. Again I am MAD at her but I LOVE and miss her terribly. Especially now when somedays there is nothing that would feel better that a good old mom hug... but instead I get to look at her picture and wonder why?????

When I lost Peanut I decided to talk to a chaplin at the hospital. After talking for a bit she asked me if I had left over issues with losing my parents...I quickly siad no becasue its been so long. As time has gone on I am thinking ya know maybe I do. I had a good long talk with Lynne the other night and she can see where the issues could come from to.

So yeah maybe it is time to talk to some one, maybe its time to actually grieve properly for my parents. To let the anger out to let the feelings flow in a way that I can come to understand and accept them. To come to reaccept the fact that they are gone when I am at a point in my life where I feel I need them the most.

Wow... didn't quite intend this post to become such a rant but ya know what I feel better letting it out :)

Well off to finish supper after purging feelings that have been bottled up for a while. Until next time lol...

Time to come clean....

So for the last long while things have not reallay been all that good with me. Off and on over the years have have little dips into depression but have been able to pull myself out pretty well on my own.

After we lost Peanut in March I began a slow desent... and have been going lower and lower. I knew in my heart of hearts the things I was feeling and thinking just was not normal but I pushed it away. I felt like I was seeing a little light come July and then in August I was faced with losing another baby and that light just disappeared.

I have worked hard at hiding my feelings from everyone. Though many saw right through it. And well Jay bless his heart got to live with a jekell and hyde wife over the last few weeks... each day feeling worse than the one before.

I kept trying to rationalize how I was feeling... I was tired cause I am working too much, I am sad cause my due date is approaching, I am not spending time with the family casue I have to work..... yeah right. The fact is that depression had me in its gripes... and I felt truly like I was losing my mind. It simply is not normal to be sitting on the LRT crying... then seconds later be able to laugh at a text message from my husband.

On Tuesday I finally decided to have a chat with my family Dr. He as always was awesome and so very easy to talk to. And wow when he started asking questions I realized just how bad things had really gotten. We decided I should try taking meds and he put me on Celexa . I have to see him every few weeks for the next little bit so he can moniter how I am doing. He ran a few quick blood tests to rule out a physical casue and all came back normal as we suspected. So Friday I pick up the new med and we go from there... hopefully there will be a quick improvement and I can gradually come off the medications again

The decsion now is do I or don't I seek out counselling. Here are many pros of course and really other than talking about potentially icky stuff I can't find a con. It will be a matter of getting myself to a place where I am ready to talk to a stranger and then finding someone who I am comfortable with adn who can deal with all the various issues I have going on... oh how I pity them once the dam breaks.

Other than that life is life. I am looking forward to feeling better... hopefully soon. I have an appointment for my OB next week for further PG planning since my body still has not returned to normal functioning since my last d&C. Hopefully that goes well andI walk away with some positive answers.

Happy Turkey Day....

Hope everyone had an awesome Thanksgiving weekend. We have had a pretty quiet one... I worked of course lol. Yesterday we hit the trails for a nice long fall walk. We actually went on a trail that was new to us.... the last time we were in that particualr area the trail was closed for repairs. It was a really pretty area and in behind the Whitemud Equine center so we also got to stop and watch the horse and pet a few too. Today was quiet and lazy. Made shake and bake , taters adn stuffing and thanks to my awesome supervisor at work we enjoyed a little pumpkin pie for dessert :) It was odd not having a huge dinner with the whole family... I really missed it but I am very thankful that I did get to spend the time with my hubby :)

As always when we were out walking we snapped some pictures. The one of the river valley is pretty... but sure doesn't do all the colors real justice.

Its A New Blogging Year...
Yup we have been sharing our lives with all of you for a year... wow that time went fast. We decided in honor of starting another year of sharing we would give our blog a fresh new look :) We found the song that is playing by fluke... I am a huge Reba fan and yet had never heard it before but hey it sure is our lives and well I think that of many married couples.

We have shared many ups and downs and just as many monents of tears and laughter over this past year. I am looking forward to the future as Jay and I continue to build our lives and hopefully our family and the new adventures it will bring our way and you can bet we will be here sharing them with you :)

Thanks for being faithful readers of our simple little blog.

Happy Anniversary to us....
Wow has it really been a year already. It seems like just yesterday we were busy with frantic preparations for our wedding. We have had many ups and downs this year but we both really believe that our relationship is stronger than ever.

We didn't do anything overly exciting today... got to love life on a budget but we did take the time to focus on each other and just enjoy our day. We went to see The Guardian... I would highly recommend it to everyone. I was in the mood for a chick flick to which Jay turned up his nose lol but we had both wanted to see The Guardian so off we went... there was a little love story and enough of a story line to make me cry and enough action to satisfy Jay... a perfect date night movie :P After the movie we had an incredibly "romantic" dinner at McDonalds lmao.... who says romance has to cost bucks!

The real celebration was once we were home. We pulled out our Unity Candle from the wedding and re-lit it... as we will on every anniversary. It was very touching to be able to relive a little piece of our wedding

After we re-lit our candles we settled in with our wedding glasses; shared a toast with a glass wine then totally enjoyed a slice of anniversary cake

Now we are heading into a evening of cuddling... sigh its so nice to have an extra evening off work :) So it wasn't the fanciest day, it wasn't overly romantic.. but for our simple lives it was a perfect anniversary filled with love and dreams of what adventures our second year of marriage will bring us :)

We've been inked.....

Yep we finally made our appointments and let Steve at us with needles lol. It's been many many years in coming for me to get this first tattoo... and Jay well he had some but wanted a few homemade ones from his teen years covered up. We headed down to Steve's shop tonight and WOW I am soooooo impressed. It hurt yeah but not nearly as bad as I expected it to and I am already so thrilled with the results. I can't wait to see how they look all healed.

As I said in a previous post Steve had found me a perfect cherub to honor my babies :)We left it as is tonight with the possiblity after its healed to go back in and add a bit more white to the wings. I will leave that to him to decide as I trust him totally :) Jay got a awesome image of his favorite animal... the wolf.

So here are the pics... remember these are just a few hours old and are all red and irratated still. I will repost pics once they are all healed up :)

Mine














Jay's

We are both already planning our next tattoos LOL... wonder how long it will be before we catch up to Steve :P

Ever wonder how grocery carts get in weird places????

Ugh I hate this weather but hey at least we are the poor suckers getting the SNOW already ICK!!!!!!! But weather whining wasn't my real reason for the post. Nope thought I would come and give you a little chuckle or possibly a moment of sympathy for us lmao.

So there are days like today when it truly SUCKS to not have a car... but Jay and I headed off to pick up my pay cheque get it cashed and get on with running errands. We finished our day off at Safeway. Run through, load up on groceries and stop dead in our tracks when we see the CROWD of people waiting for taxies... some claiming to be there upwards of an hour already. Oh well we say and make our call

Well 15 minutes later and the person waiting an hour still has not recieved her taxi and we are like well its not that far. I mean we seriously walk this route all the time... just not with this many groceries. The rain has let up though it is still cold but nothing we can't handle and we decide screw it, grabbed our grocery cart and start trucking home.

Yes we became some of those people...we ran away with a grocery cart. We walked 20 minutes home with a cart load of food and had people that we passed on the way laughing at us... oh well lol. The rain was nice enough to hold off til we were 5 minutes from home... just encouraged us to walk that little bit faster

Never thought I would do it but guess there is a first time for everything lol.

Time for a quick update....

Boy time sure does fly ! Nothing too much exciting going on around here. We just came through the long weekend EXHUSTED but happy.

I spent the weekend with Lynne, Carmen, Hannah, Sara and Jayda... what a blast. It was great spending time with all the babies. I had a few sad moments when I would think about my little angels and wishing there were still here with us... but then one of thew girls would grin at me or need something and I would jump back to the here and now. Jay stayed busy with the guys working on eves and fencing and totally enjoyed himself.

This weekend was a different experience for us. In all the time we have been together the most time we have spent apart was a few hours. With me working and the boths of us being busy with different parts of the family when I wasn't working we maybe had a total of an hour together from Friday evening when I went to work til all the work was done Monday evening. It certainly isn't something we are used to doing but we got through it lol and it made coming home Monday evening that much more enjoyable lol ;)

Today we went to see Dr.G for followup after losing Trouble. UGH sitting in that waiting room was torture... thankfully it was only for a few minutes. He was super nice and very sympathetic. At this point he thinks it was jsut another fluke of nature :( Not what I wanted to hear but then I didn't want to hear something was wrong either... though in someways that would make it easier than thinking it was somehow my fault :(

We did discuss various tests and he can't do anything thing until we lose a third confirmed pregnancy... god forbid it happens again. He did say that he will run every test imaginable right down to a biopsy of my uterus if we do lose another baby... good to know but I am praying for all I am worth that we won't have to ever run those tests. He did give us some positive information. He said that the Dr who id my d&c took a good look at my "stuctures" lol and everything looks really good... I guess sometime the shape of the uterus can casue miscarriages.

He also said that the pathology report for Trouble came back good. He reviewed the one for Peanut again while we were there too. He said that for some of the antibody tests I asked about it would have been apparent as the cause of both miscarriages... so that was a relief. We discussed trying again and he wants us to go ahead after one cycle( typical for post miscarriage) We have a plan in place if things don't start on thier own but he's pretty confident that they will.

He also started me on the metformin again... my miracle drug it would seem :) We talked a bit about using progestrone supplementation becasue of the PCOS and he explained a lot of the research to us and how its mostly used if there is a luteal phase defect... not likely I have that so until it becomes evident he won't supplement. We did talk about staying on the Met as well when I become PG again... he disagrees but did talk a little bit more about the research and some data gathering a Dr here in the city is working on. Jay and I will be doing more research and we will talk in more depth with Dr.G when I become PG again. Ultimately he might not like it but the final decison will be for me and Jay to make.

So there we have it. Not a ton of news but then it wasn't all bad either. Its just gonna be a long few weeks before we can try again. In someways I am ready to try this very minute and in another the break even if for a few weeks will do us good and allow a bit more time for our heart's to heal. And on the plus side if I am not PG I can still get my tattoo lol. I finally have a plan in place with Steve... now we just have to make an appointment. I can't wait! He found the most perfect cheub for me :) :) When its all said and done I'll be sure to post a pic.

Well off to do a bit of scrap booking and relax before work :P Its gonna be a LONG day tomorrow... I work OT and then we have a company BBQ to go to and we are on the clean up crew... me and my big mouth lol so I best relax while. I can TaTa for now :)

Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

Happy Birthday Jay! I sure do love you and feel so very belssed to be your wife :) I know its been a rough year but maybe today can be a turning point for smoother sailing for both of us :)

Was it a sign?????

The reality of losing my second baby finally hit me full upside the head last night. All throughout the day yesterday I was feeling rather unstable. I kept trying to push it away. I stayed busy playing on the computer, reading, napping, watching tv/movies... anything to not think. By 2am I was feeling exhusted and finally gave up and tried to go to bed.

And then it hit. The tears, the overwhelming pain, the emptiness, the feelings of horrid betrayl to my husband and my precious babies. I cried so hard and Jay being the amazing man he is was just there for me. He let me cry it out and encouraged me to do so. I know it had to come but I guess I just didn't want to accept the reality that once again I have failed to provide life to one of my babies. I laid there wondering what was wrong with me. Why can't I do this? What am I doing so wrong? I would make such a good mommy and I know Jay is going to be an amazing daddy and once again it is my fault that his dream has been ripped away from him. What is wrong with my body that it can't sustain a new life? Its just not fair!

So as my tears were finally coming to pass after an hour of sobbing... I heard the rain. And it was POURING. It made me think of a song by Steve Wariner called Holes in the Floor of Heaven. The chorus says...

...'Cause there's holes in the floor of Heaven

and her tears are pourin' down

that's how you know she's watchin'

wishin' she could be here now

And sometimes if you're lonely

just remember she can see

there's holes in the floor of Heaven

and she's watchin' over you and me...

I turned to Jay and asked him if he knew of the song... he didn't so I played the whole thing for him today and he agreed it was like a sign. I wondered if it was a sign from our parents sharing our grief with us? Was it a sign from our babies that they are up there and okay? It gave me a little comfort thinking that I was getting a message from someone up there and I was able to drift off to sleep... listening to that wonderful rain.

In the past days I have done lots of searching for music and have found a few knew ones that have really touched me. One I came across is called God Only Cries by Diamond Rio.. again it seemed to speak to me. The chorus is....

...God only cries for the living'

Cause it's the living that are left to carry on

An' all the angels up in Heaven

They're not grieving because they're gone

There's a smile on their faces

'Cause they're in a better place

than, mmm, baby, than,

oh God only cries for the living

'Cause it's the living that are so far from home...

I am trying to let that one guide me to not be so sad. When I lost Peanut I went through grief all over again for my parents and I find its happening again. I love my brothers and sisters and family to death... but I want my Mom....I want my Dad. I want to feel their arms around me... I want the comfort that only a parent can give. I know they are in heaven resting peacefully and I am grateful that they are free from the pain of this earth... but I still doesn't change the fact that I miss my parents always and at times even though its been 21 years for dad and 11 for mom the pain can be as fresh as the days we said goodbye.

I thought I was handling losing Trouble better than when I lost Peanut and I supposed in some ways I am and in others its worse. I know I ned to give it time... but right now I feel like this emptiness in me will never go away... only now its times two. Two precious babies that have become angels becasue I failed to give them life. Two precious babies who will never take a breath on this earth because I am a failure as a woman. Two precious babies who I will never forget.

Labor Of Love.....

Its been a tough couple days for us... but so different from before. The loss of our first baby followed so closely by our second is rather overwhelming. Instead of sitting and wallowing in grief we decided to do something productive. We decided to design a new site called Angels Among Us . Please pop by and visit and leave us a message in our Guest Book. It is dedicated to our two angels and we have put some basic information about PCOS and pregnancy loss on there and in additon we published all my poems plus ones that have touched us. We will be adding to it as time goes by so please keep going back :)

We also have a blog for Trouble... started the moment we learned I was expecting just as we did for Peanut. You will find the page under our links... or you can get to it through Angels Among Us

Trouble didn't make it...

I am just numb right now

4am I woke up with this awful pressure in my belly. I got up and wandered the house a little bit and tried to keep my nerves calm. At 530 I had a horrible wave of cramps and felt like I was passing something... when I went to the bathroom I had passed a fairly large clot and was bleeding quite a bit. I woke Jay up and we headed back to the er. I had the same dr as whem I lost Peanut and she was so wonderful. She examined me and said I am so sorry... my cervix was fully open and I had tissue pushing through. She contacted the ob/gyn oncall and they decided to do a d&c asap. I was in OR before 10 amd was just released from the hospital about a half hour ago.

I don't even know how to begin to describe how I am feeling. I hate myself so much and have wracked my brain for everything little thing I have done wrong... drinking too much coffee before I knew I was PG, forgot my synthroid a couple times, forgot my folic acid and vitamins a few times. I could go on and on all I can think is what kind of horrible mother am I that I can't even protect a baby long enough for it to take a breath on this earth. I jsut want to curl up and in a ball and die along with my babies. I just don't understand and I don't think I ever will

We had a scare :(

Last night (friday) I headed off to work as usual feeling just fine. I went to the bathroom about 930pm and discovered I was spotting( red turning to brown ). My first thought was oh no not again. I called Jay then called my boss to arrange for someone to come in and cover for me. My brother came and picked me up and away we went to the hospital. They were all so nice but man did we have hours and hours to wait. By the time I saw the dr the spotting was gone. He examined me and said everything looked good and booked me for an ultrasound this morning.

So back we went at 1015am. The tech wouldn't tell me anything or let me look at the screen. I kept flipping back to how much this was like when I lost Peanut... it was so hard to stay positive. Back to the er to wait. The Dr who saw us was the same one that told us we lost Peanut. I was instantly relieved when she called us into the fast track room instread of a gyn room.

So... Trouble( the baby's nickname and so EARNED) is still with us. The ultra sound showed a fetal sac and a good fetal pole and they estimate I am just coming on 6 weeks so while they didn't see a heart beat they aren't worried about it either. I had a moderate subchronic bleed and there is a little blood evident around the sac but not in the sac... more good news :). I am on bedrest for the week and if the spotting comes bcak or i start cramping I am suppose to go to the er right away. She said at this point it looks like all is fine but its still to early to tell if I am 100% out of the woods. I am supposed to see my OB ASAP and schedule another ultrasound though she thinks as long as I dont have any symptoms I should still be fine until the 29th.... the question is what will my OB think.

Please send out lots of P&PT's and super strength sticky vibes.