Another year down....

Can someone please tell me that this next year will be better?? I have tried many times in the last few days to think of things that are truly positive from my 36th year and ya know other than having a great marriage and husband and a loving family I can't think of a damn thing... and thank god I have those things to be positive about!

I think of the babies I have sent to heaven, I think of my near breakdown and having to go on antidepressents, I think of all the crap that just feel so overwhelming and then as if I haven't had enough crap this past year I lose Teddi to. I know shes in a better place and she looked so very peaceful when we found her but god how I miss her.

I think of the future year and know that I am facing all the testing for recurrent pregnancy loss... will we get the solution to our issues or will we be told that I will never carry a baby... one of my hugest fears. I know we can adopt and its something we have both said, that regardless of whether we have a biological child or not, we would like to do. But damn it I want my turn; I want to feel my baby move, I want to hear a heart beat, I want the labour pains... I want the whole deal from start to finish!

I start my counselling FINALLY on August 27th.... god how I hope it helps me. I hope I can gain some insight into myself and why I think and feel the way I do.

I hope that we can have many happy times in this upcoming year. I hope next year I have nothing but good to say about my 37th year. I just am trying with all I have to simply have hope for the future!

Saying Good Bye....

Teddi

October 6, 1994- July 14, 2007

Time to Go
The time has come I think you know

the Lord is calling so I must go

I love you so much; I wish it wasn't so

I wish I could stay; I don't want to go

You're the best family a dog ever had

so kind and gentle, never mean or mad

I'll never forget the day that we met

I was so lucky to become your pet

You opened your door and showed me your heart

I'll never forget you; we'll never part

You loved me and cared for me over the years

you taught me everything and took away my fears

The Lord is calling now I must go

but before I go I want you to know

I know it hurts to lose a friend

but I'll always be with you even to the end.

Written by John Quealy

I would die for that....

I was hunting around at online at random and came across the link to this video. WOW does it ever describe how I feel!

Sent another angel to heaven :(........

Well the much dreaded happened and we have lost another baby. Here is a run down of the last few days....

Sunday Night

I felt like I was living a total nightmare! I went to the washroom and discovered I was spotting :( .. looks just like when things started with my other losses :( I was at work and there is nothing the hospital can do for me that time of night so I stuck it out at work til my ob opened in the am. I was so beyond scared its not even funny :( Jay is came to the house and spent the night here just incase things got bad

Monday Morning

I talked to my ob's nurse. They wanted me to go in to ER. I am having isolated left side pain and the spotting has now turned red... at this point they want to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. I did some research last night and I am exhibiting symptoms :( and meet the risk catagories as well :(
Iwas feeling so lost and numb... I don't know how to go through this again :(

Monday evening... home from the ER


I came from the ER and what a jerk the dr was.... very odd for the Misericordia.

Anyways he said that my uterus and tubes were totally empty and that either a) I am not pg ( even though it was a blood test by the dr that confirmed it) or b my dates are way off or c) I miscarried and didn't realize it.( um duh I think I would have noticed passing a seven week fetus)

Seriously I felt like hitting him. He was just so callous and didnt even bother coming all the way into my room or even look at me while he delivered the news.

We came to realize that there is a very real possibility that this is a chemical pregnacy and while physically its not as hard emotionally its still another slam.

I have an appointment with Dr.G tomorrow at one and we will see what he has to say. Jay and I have done a lot of soul searching and talking and have decided that we are going on hold for at least 6 months and perferably on bc to keep my cycles going somewhat regular and when we are ready we will try again

Finally today

So over all I feel MUCH better after talking to my own dr! He was very upset with how I was treated yesterday and will deal with it so yay.

as for me...
it is definately a miscarriage. The a$$ at the hosptial said my uterus was empty but he was WRONG! there was a sac... the position of it indicates that it could have still possibly been an ectopic so Dr.G is monitoring my hcg levels until they are at zero and then we move on to the next step. At this point he wants me to miscarry naturally and to avoid yet another d&c... he said as the next two weeks go by he will decide if we need to revisit the possibility of a d&c if the miscarriage doesnt progress. Once the miscarriage is over we move on to trying to discover why this is happening

He said all in all there are about 19 tests that will done... many of them blood work. I will be having an hsg and a uterine biopsy ( ow and ow lol) and those tests could be expanded based on results. Jay will be having bloodwork done too.

We are definately on hold for right now.... for how long is to be determined. I can't go on bc until all the testing is finished and I can't get pg til then at least either. That gives us a little more time to decide exactly how we want to prevent a pregnancy and for how long. I am going to take the time to refocus on me and to get back into the gym. Jay and I are going to just keep ourselves focused on saving and taking care of ourselves and see where it leads us. Dr.G would like me to lose some weight before we try again but was very nice about it... I figure this is a good chance to do that and had thought about it before I ever went to see him. he did also say due to my age he wouldnt like to see us go on hold for too long nad ideally we hould look at about 6 months.

So there we have it. I have so many mixed emotions about this loss. I am sad and yet feel numb to it. I know its happening but it doesnt seem real either if that makes any sense at all.

Happy 1st Birthday Sara-Lyn!!!

Then.....

And now.....

Well after months of trying we are finally expecting again WOO HOOO. By my calculations I am due Feb.4/08 and that makes me 6 weeks pregnant at this point... scarey because that is the stage we were at with our second miscarriage. Jay and I are feeling very positive this time and have decided that regardless we will enjoy this new little life growing in me for however long he/she stays with us. I have my first ultrasound on June 21 to make sure we are doing okay... so please say tons of prayers that we see a little heartbeat! Then I have my first prenantal appointment on July 9 and I start my appointments with the Diabetes specialist this Thursday and thats a very good thing because holyman are my sugars going CRAZY! We will obviously keep everyone updated as time goes along. I am also journaling specifically for just this pregnancy and everyone is of course welcome to come by and have a read the link is... http://www.babycrowd.com/jr/online/kelegr/

Excuse the mess...

yes we are remodeling again lol. This time we are experimenting with fonts and dividers so check back often to see how it all turns out :)

Happy 1st Birthday Jayda!!!!

Mmmmmmmmm........Yummy Cake!!!

What do beans, cottage cheese and timmies have in common.....

Our freaky animals love them lol. I had an odd supper tonight... brown beans and cottage cheese and the cats decided to investigate. I knew Taz like brown beans... what I didn't expect was the fussiest cat of all time eating cottage cheese lol. I have mentioned the new found love of timmies by the dogs before... tonight we just caught the proof on camera :)

Marie Grant

October 30, 1934- April 19, 1995

Your presence we miss, Your memory we treasure,Loving you always, Forgetting you never.
~ Author Unknown

Thinking of you today and Always mom! I love and miss you!

That is just not ok....

Saw this while i was surfing around and thought i would share it...lol

Ok i gave this thingy a whack.......

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Spring is in the air....

And with it comes time to get back into our walking routine! We took the dogs and headed out today and just enjoyed the fresh air... and I TOTALLY enjoyed walking in my sandles! I just hope the weather lasts... I am so done with winter!

I managed to get a shot of Jay and the dogs... aren't they cute :P

Thats about it for excitment around here lol. I am working an INSANE amount of hours and getting very little time at home these days... I think that month off was some kind of blessing from above so I would be rested enough to take on work for this month lol. And speaking of work I better tear myself away from here and finish our early supper of Spinach and Feta perogies before I have to go again... sigh !

Saw this...
On a friends blog and thought it looked like fun.... Whats your visual DNA?

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Oh yeah and I am still alive... jsut back to work and we all knows that means very little time at home :P

Its been a year
My Peanut Dear
Since you went away
I think about you everyday
And wonder why you couldn't stay
I know your safe in Jesus' arms
But I want you here with me
I see babies everywhere
And wonder who you'd be
A girl with daddies big blue eyes
A boy with a chin like me
I love you my little Peanut
And I know I always will
Rest in Heaven with your grandparents
And with little Trouble to
Until the day that Mommy and Daddy
Can make their way to you
written for Peanut one year after growing angel wings

Baby Kisses, toddler giggles and girl talk....

That about sums up my weekend :) I left on Friday on a trip to Calgary with Lynne. It was a real treat to get away and it was fantastic getting to see Carmen and the girls... and Dan to for the couple hours he was there :)

We had lots of fun with the girls and I saw many areas of Calgary when we were out adventuring. I can't believe how big both Sara and Hannah are getting and hearing Hannah call me Auntie Kerri for the first time just melted my heart.

All in all it was one of the BEST weekends I have had in a very long time... and how can it not be when you wake up to these beautiful smiles :)

Hanging out with Auntie Kerri and Nana Makes me sooo tired...

Going

Going

Gone

On to another round of Clomid...

We got the results of my lastest blood test today and once again I am not PG. Todays negative hit me really hard. I had the signs... I was so sure. I HATE the mind games I play with myself. 99% of the time I am ok and I can move foward with a positive outlook but today was just different. I don't know why the clomid didn't work this cycle when it did the last time. Dr.G is away so one of his partners reviewed my file and prescribed me the prometium I need to get things rolling so we can move forward. I hate it, I hate that my body is so screwed up.I know our time will come but right now that doesn't give me any comfort.

This time last year we were so happy. This time last year I had a tiny life living within me. This time last year I never dreamed of all we would end up going through on our journey to become parents. That happiness came to a halt on March 29th. We got up, we tried again, we succeeded to once again have that little one taken from us... a little one who should be joining the world in just a couple weeks. I think that's why todays negative hit me harder than the others. I was sure I would be pregnant by now, Dr.G was sure, heck I think everyone around me was pretty sure and yet here I sit wondering why and longing so badly for a baby to call my own.

Movies our new addiction....

So being off has allowed us lots of freedom to do what we want when we want. Its been nice. We have caught up on movies at home... SawIII, Carrie, Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood ( much to Jays chagrin lol), American Pie presents Band Camp... and others that I can't remember at this moment.

On top of those we have been to the theatre 3 times as well ( got to love airmiles all inclusive movie passes).

First we saw Premonition . Excellent movie. One that requires some concentration but over all we really liked it. It's one of those that I would like to see again because I know I missed stuff the first time around.

Based on many family recommendations we went to see Blood Diamond It has got to be one of the most disturbing movies that I have ever seen. We walked away just ill at the horrors that the movie portrayed and what these people are living through. One particular scene keeps playing over and over in my head...where Solomon wonders how his countrymen have turned against each other. It spoke volumes to the plight of all of those trapped by civial conflict. The violence was sickening, the terror was so realistic. Definately a movie that I want to add to my collection. If you haven't seen it I HIGHLY recommend that you do... it will change you forever.

Then today we headed off to see Wild Hogs we had, had a pretty crappy morning and Jay decided we needed a laugh... and boy did we laugh. What a great feel good movie. It was more than just a comedy. There was the tests of freindships, various levels of relationship issues, self discovery... it was a little of everything and well worth a trip to the theatre. I can still get myself chuckling when I think of some of John Travoltas scenes... just a hoot overall. So if you need a laugh or just need a pick me up go see it... I know you won't be sorry.

So we have 2 passes left and I have 10 more days off. We will likely go to at least one more show but we can't decide on what. We are leaning towards Zodiac but who knows what we will see. Anyone have any rcommendations????

Spoiled Cat....

So we bought the cats a new toy the other day when we were at dollarama. Very simple string attached to a bouncy plastic piece that goes over a door handle. They both love it. Tonight we were laying in bed watching Miami Ink and Taz was playing away... then he stopped and started to meow. Jay got up to see what his problem was and the string was caught up ... well Jay untangles it then comes back to bed and Taz goes back to playing. We know our furbabies are spoiled but in that moment we realized just how well they have US trained lol!