What we did today....

As my previous post said today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Rememberence Day. Jay and I lit candle last year but this year we decided to go a little further. We bought some balloons, headed down to the river and released them. We then wrote a message in the sand and watched as the balloons drifted away. This evening at 7pm we lit our candles as part of the wave of light... this year we lit 3 candles for our angels, one for all the angels known to us and one for all the the angels that are unknown to us but should be remembered. Its been a good day and I feel really peaceful... more peaceful than I have in a very long time.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day....

Just Those Few Weeks
by Susan Erling

For those few weeks

I had you to myself.

And that seems to short a time

to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks

I came to know you...and to love you.

You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks

when I lost you,

I lost a lifetime of hopes,

plans,dreams, and aspirations

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks

It wasn't enough time to convince others

how special and important you were.

How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks

and no "normal" person

would cry all night over a tiny, unfinished baby,

or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.

No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks,

my little one.

You darted in and out of my life too quickly

but it seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life so much richer

and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Made the call I have been avoiding since July.......

and I see Dr.G on the 25th. I feel just ill. I don't want to go but I have to go. I don't want to face it if the tests prove that I will never carry a baby but I have to know and I have to face it. How will I deal with never being able to carry my own baby? How can I take that dream away from Jay?

My counseller has been pushing me to make the appointment. She truly believes I need to move forward with the recurrent loss testing to be able to move forward. She believes its for the best to do the testing. I am choosing to place my trust in her because right now I can't beleive it for myself. I know it can be a simple fix, I know we may get no answers at all, I know we may never be able to do this.

How do I go on if there is no answers? How do I move forward and get pg again and not know why I have failed three other babies? How do I open my heart again?

How do I do it period? What if its a simple fix? What if the fix doesn't work? How will I handle another miscarriage? How many times do we try before our hearts will break to the point of never healing?

How do I move ahead if I am told no babies for me? Yes there are other ways I know that... but its not my dream. I have felt the early presence of a life within me. I have felt the overwhelming love of just a few weeks. I want to feel a life completely grow with in me, I want to hold a new being as they take their first breath and cry and know I am the one who can comfort that cry.

How do I do it? I don't know. I really and truly don't know. I see him on the 25th and we move ahead. I made the appt because I have no refills for my metformin used to treat the PCOS... I had no choice... I had to make the appt. I haven't had a period since my miscarriage... for my health I had to make the appt. I have to have answers whether I am ready to hear them or not... for that I had to make the appt.

No more living in denial...

Steak + Turkey = MMM MMM Good Thanksgiving dinner....

Yesterday we headed over to Al's for the day. What a wonderful day! Great weather and realaxation, time with family and friends (including Buster ;D ) and topped off with a fantastic dinner and a fire... who could ask for more :) Al made all the traditional thanksgiving foods and then tossed in steak and grilled peppers... YUMMY! Dessert was enjoyed later by the fire and was pumpkin pie with ice cream, whipped cream and a drizzle of coffee sauce... sooooo delicious! All in all it was a fantastic day.Buster loved being hooked to the clothesline and running the yard all day though he is one sleepy old boy today lol. Jay managed to get a few pictures but we got none of him cause he had the camera all day lol

LOL sticking his tongue out at me

Happy Thanksgiving......

I am thankful for Jay and his never ending love and support

I am thankful for my amazing family and the gift of unconditional love

I am thankful for my great nieces and nephews and the joy I feel in my heart when I see them smile

I am thankful for my angel babies while not with me their brief presence in my life has taught me so much

I am thankful for my friends both in real life and online

I am thankful for a job that I love to go to everyday

I am thankful for Edmonton Mental Health and my counseller who are helping me find the light at the end of the tunnel

I am thankful to have a roof over my head and food in my cupboards

I am thankful for my health and the health of all those around me

I am thankful for my furbabies ;)

A project for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.....

I really felt the need to do something to mark this month and this is what I came with

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

My New Theme Song.....

Okay I first heard a snippit of this song on a commercial of all thi8ngs and loved it. Jay heard it on the radio one day and got the name and title .... Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. Its so positive and uplifting and such a good song for looking to the future and all that lays ahead. Heres the video and lyrics....

I am unwritten, can't read my mind,

I'm undefined

I'm just beginning,

the pen's in my hand,

ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, ohI break tradition,

sometimes my tries,

are outside the lines

We've been conditioned to not make mistakes,

but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

Two years ago.....

Today.......

LOL it will be interesting to check out the difference in hair in another couple years

My anniversary project for Jay :)

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Some pics from today.....

And Buster post walk.... poor boy all wore out

Its Been awhile......

Since we shared pics from a walk. We decided to brave the whoping temps of 4 degrees today to stroll the neighbourhood.... the leaves are pretty but UGH I am so not ready for fall cause that means ack that winter is around the corner :P Buster is loving the long walks and exploring... to bad something caught his eye so he wasn't looking at the camera too lol

And the family grows by one....

Noah Jackson Winjet has arrived! Congratulations Steve and Katy and of course big sister Jayda! We went to spend the afternoon with the happy family today and sigh there is nothing quite as good for the soul as having a snuggle with a new baby!

a few pics from today....

Just have to brag....

We actually started Christmas shopping! I can't say what we bought of course but I am so darn proud of us lol! I never in my life thought I would be shopping in September for gifts but dang it feels good.

Hmmm in other news not much going on... our biggest thing on the agenda right now is waiting for the call that Katy is FINALLY in labour! Come on Little man you have a whole crazy loving group anxiously awaiting your arrival!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAY !!!!!

Angel Whisper's

An angel whispers in our ear

Don't worry mommy and daddy I am here

I watch over you from up above

I see your tears and I feel your love

I know you want me there with you

But God had other things for me to do

I'm here with Peanut and now Sweetpea too

And we play in the clouds as we wait for you

I know its hard that a year's gone by

But I have my wings and I am learning to fly

So think of me mommy and daddy to

And smile knowing special angels watch over you

And each time you think of me up above

Please know that I am sending down my love

And those gentle feelings of a breeze

Those are lots of hugs for you from me

So please don't be sad that I went away

For I live in your hearts each and everyday

written for Trouble one year after growing wings

Our Summer to date....

Wow its been a loing time since I actually sat to write anything... other than the major happenings of the past few weeks that is. So what is there to say... not a ton really. Our summer has been pretty much a bust. I am working an avg of 91 hours a week so we haven't had a ton of time for our ususal summer activites.

Jay and I did go away one weekend with the clients I am working with and another staff member... it was so much fun and of course had the bonus of being paid as well.

We went to Capital Ex with Lynne... mmmmm corn dogs and mini donuts. Lynne and I actually decided to be brave and check out the virtual reality game.... it was a blast.

I got a new hair do... wow its been to long since I had some fun colors in my hair. Thanks for sending me to Imah Lynne and Katy ;)

We hit the outdoor market in St.Albert... I can't beleive I hadn't hauled Lynne and Katy out there before then cause I have been often lol. It was a blast even if we got rained on... can anyone say soggy!

We had planned to go to heritge days that weekend too but got rained out :P so instead we spent the weekend visiting at Katy and Steve's and watching Jayda discover the fun of laundry baskets lol

On to Katy's garage sale weekend.... it's always interesting to meet garage sale goers lol.

Papa and Uncle Jay said sell

Nana said no way lol

And of course just a couple other fun shots...

So that about sums it up. Thnaks goodness for weekneds off so I can see the family. Next week end pretty much wraps up summer. I am big shock working while everyone else is in Calgary helping Dan and Carmen move into their new house... sure wish I was gonna be there to :(

With that I will sign off .... heres one last shot to leave you smiling ;) Buster showing off his new raincoat!