Its been a year
My Peanut Dear
Since you went away
I think about you everyday
And wonder why you couldn't stay
I know your safe in Jesus' arms
But I want you here with me
I see babies everywhere
And wonder who you'd be
A girl with daddies big blue eyes
A boy with a chin like me
I love you my little Peanut
And I know I always will
Rest in Heaven with your grandparents
And with little Trouble to
Until the day that Mommy and Daddy
Can make their way to you
written for Peanut one year after growing angel wings

Baby Kisses, toddler giggles and girl talk....

That about sums up my weekend :) I left on Friday on a trip to Calgary with Lynne. It was a real treat to get away and it was fantastic getting to see Carmen and the girls... and Dan to for the couple hours he was there :)

We had lots of fun with the girls and I saw many areas of Calgary when we were out adventuring. I can't believe how big both Sara and Hannah are getting and hearing Hannah call me Auntie Kerri for the first time just melted my heart.

All in all it was one of the BEST weekends I have had in a very long time... and how can it not be when you wake up to these beautiful smiles :)

Hanging out with Auntie Kerri and Nana Makes me sooo tired...

Going

Going

Gone

On to another round of Clomid...

We got the results of my lastest blood test today and once again I am not PG. Todays negative hit me really hard. I had the signs... I was so sure. I HATE the mind games I play with myself. 99% of the time I am ok and I can move foward with a positive outlook but today was just different. I don't know why the clomid didn't work this cycle when it did the last time. Dr.G is away so one of his partners reviewed my file and prescribed me the prometium I need to get things rolling so we can move forward. I hate it, I hate that my body is so screwed up.I know our time will come but right now that doesn't give me any comfort.

This time last year we were so happy. This time last year I had a tiny life living within me. This time last year I never dreamed of all we would end up going through on our journey to become parents. That happiness came to a halt on March 29th. We got up, we tried again, we succeeded to once again have that little one taken from us... a little one who should be joining the world in just a couple weeks. I think that's why todays negative hit me harder than the others. I was sure I would be pregnant by now, Dr.G was sure, heck I think everyone around me was pretty sure and yet here I sit wondering why and longing so badly for a baby to call my own.

Movies our new addiction....

So being off has allowed us lots of freedom to do what we want when we want. Its been nice. We have caught up on movies at home... SawIII, Carrie, Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood ( much to Jays chagrin lol), American Pie presents Band Camp... and others that I can't remember at this moment.

On top of those we have been to the theatre 3 times as well ( got to love airmiles all inclusive movie passes).

First we saw Premonition . Excellent movie. One that requires some concentration but over all we really liked it. It's one of those that I would like to see again because I know I missed stuff the first time around.

Based on many family recommendations we went to see Blood Diamond It has got to be one of the most disturbing movies that I have ever seen. We walked away just ill at the horrors that the movie portrayed and what these people are living through. One particular scene keeps playing over and over in my head...where Solomon wonders how his countrymen have turned against each other. It spoke volumes to the plight of all of those trapped by civial conflict. The violence was sickening, the terror was so realistic. Definately a movie that I want to add to my collection. If you haven't seen it I HIGHLY recommend that you do... it will change you forever.

Then today we headed off to see Wild Hogs we had, had a pretty crappy morning and Jay decided we needed a laugh... and boy did we laugh. What a great feel good movie. It was more than just a comedy. There was the tests of freindships, various levels of relationship issues, self discovery... it was a little of everything and well worth a trip to the theatre. I can still get myself chuckling when I think of some of John Travoltas scenes... just a hoot overall. So if you need a laugh or just need a pick me up go see it... I know you won't be sorry.

So we have 2 passes left and I have 10 more days off. We will likely go to at least one more show but we can't decide on what. We are leaning towards Zodiac but who knows what we will see. Anyone have any rcommendations????

Spoiled Cat....

So we bought the cats a new toy the other day when we were at dollarama. Very simple string attached to a bouncy plastic piece that goes over a door handle. They both love it. Tonight we were laying in bed watching Miami Ink and Taz was playing away... then he stopped and started to meow. Jay got up to see what his problem was and the string was caught up ... well Jay untangles it then comes back to bed and Taz goes back to playing. We know our furbabies are spoiled but in that moment we realized just how well they have US trained lol!

Kerri ( I used my proper name of Kerri-Lea ain't it great to be unique!)

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Jay

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 185 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Cradle Robber.....

Jay got ID'd today.... guess the chick thought he had a real baby face and that would make me old enough to be his mother EWWWWWWWWWWWW . I know he looks young but come on... I don't think he looks under 18 lol

In other news not much is happening. My WCB is processed and I got my first cheque today... woo hoo just in time to pay bills. I did discover that while I do fine walking around the house I don't do so well outside. I don't know if its the pressure from my shoe or what but looks like I will have to get out more and get my foot into shape. I still have a couple weeks of... 16 days of captivity left lol so there is time to get it ready for work again.

We are on bfp watch... so far so good this month. Blood test on Monday! Keep your fingers, toes and everything else crossed for us!

OK..so my grammer sucks...lol

Your Language Arts Grade: 95%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).
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Maybe those college English classes paid off after all...

Your Language Arts Grade: 93%

Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).

Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Make a Quiz

Long days and sleepless nights...

2 am and here I sit once again. I have had crazy awake hours since I have been off. I know I am not burning nearly enough energy but I also know that I have wayyyy to much time to think and that is just never a good thing.

I have so many thoughts of growing up and so many not so great memories. I am talking to Jay, I am talking to Lynne, I am talking to Kathy... all in the hopes that I can keep the memories from becoming overwhelming again. I so badly wanted to start the counselling. I hate that I have to wait until into April but who knows maybe there is a higher power at work directing my course better than I can ever hope to understand.

I am also trying to focus on positives. As I said in another post I am doing all sorts of baby product reviews, I am allowing myself to dream and to look towards the future. But I am terrified at the same time. It was March 10th last year that we got the news that I was pg for the first time. I will know with in the next 6 days If I am pregnant now. So I am trying to dream and I am trying not to dwell and get stuck on the negative thoughts that want to come with the anniversary of my first miscarriage.... how can it be nearly a year already. I will never forget that baby but I am ready to move on.

Why are the memories forcing themselves on me? Why can't Peanut stay at rest? Why do I let it all torture me this way? I know no one can answer those questions. I know I have to deal with all this crap on my own knowing that those that love me are there to support me. I know one day I can find peace and joy in my memories again. I just want it now. I want my peaceful oblivion back. I don't want the heartache and pain that comes with remembering. Yet here I am with all those who have gone before me and sadly I know some will follow me. I just want it all to go away!

Randomness...

Several posts to follow... just trying to break up subject matter to make reading a little easier :) And yes we redid the blog again... part of my cure of boredom lol

The Toe...

Only 23 days of captivity left lol. I am going sooooo stir crazy at home... never thought that would happen. I got a call from WCB today and my claim has been accepted....BUT theres issues. Of course there is issues its us we are talking about and it always seems we end up with a complication. Apparently they have not recieved the paperwork from the hospital or from my boss and until that happens theya re stuck. The adjudicator said he was going to call them today and ensure it gets sent in. He also was VERY confused about how my hours and rates of pay work. I think he understood after a 10 minute conversation... then he siad oh sorry I'm new and don't really know how to do this stuff. Well OH GOODY! At least he is on top of it and I know that one day soon... hopefully before the bills are due on the 15th... we will have some money. Oh and the toe is doing a bit better. I can function in the house with out my cane so thats a bonus. I have quite a bit of walking to do tomorrow so we will see how it holds up.

Planning for parenting....

In my boredom I have been spending ridiculous amounts of time online. I am for the most part looking at baby stuff and trying to find reviews on the various items that we are looking at purchasing. If anyone knows a Canadian base review site please let me know because on the sites I have found the produsts arew largly not available here and the stuff we have isn't reviewed on them. I ha.ve also found some fun online shopping places. We have had nursery bedding picked forever and at sears I could get just the bedding... well I found a place that has every possible matching accessory right down to drawer pulls ( perfect since we are redoing furniture).

Also on the baby front I have been researching breast vs bottle feeding and circumcision. WOW the strong opinions. Its amazing how people are so black and white. I know what we are going to do and those decsions won't be swayed by what I am reading but I can sure see how it coulds totally confuse someone who wasn't sure. I was quite tempted to jump into a conversation about howtaking my metformin would be like taking illicet drugs while breast feeding. Unfrickin real when metformin aside from helping my diabetes actually encourages my hormone levels to be normailized... thus possibly beinbg the only way I could even produce breast milk. Yeah... like I said black and white and I am glad that Jay and I have been able to come to our decisons based on our own research/expereinces and talking to my dr's.And speaking of parenting. I see Dr.G for a check up tomorrow so lets hope in the next few daays we are getting some good news. I will be happy if just the clomid continued to work but I know you can all wel imagine how estatic we would be to get that BFP!

Doggie Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...

We are at a loss with what to do for Buster. Quite awhile ago I posted how scared he is when we make shake and bake chicken. Well that has expanded to us putting any form of chicken in the oven. Its gotten so much worse since the night we had to be evacuated. I know that snuggling him probably encourages the behavior but a the same time we can;t let him get to worked up becasue he could have a seizure... what a mess. If anyone has any ideas please share them... sometimes it helps to hear from some one on the outside looking in.

I will make you pet me.....

Note from Buster: please excuse my need for a haircut but mommy and daddy just had to share what a big suck I am.... no laptop is taking over my rightful place

Back alley adventures, soft porn and new Timmies addicts...

Yes those are the three phrases I would use to describe my day today.

Lets start with back alley adventures... I needed a ride to WCB so I could get my claim started. I gave Al a call and he was working but heading downtown so it was a perfect chance for him to pick me up. Well to go with Al in the middle of a work day means you stay with Al til there is a chance to actually get dropped off again. Now I have seen many sides of the courier world... I have actually even worked some of it but today was like nothing I have ever seen. It amazed me how many alleys and odd shortcuts there are in downtown Edmonton. I knew Al was great at his job but it gave me a whole different insight... it was also neat to watch all the team work and the sharing of packages and trips between the various drivers and how they gather on the streets and dark allies to make their exchanges.

So after my adventures with Al I arrive home. Jay helps me get the laptop all set up so I could sit on the couch and play online while propping my foot. I am happily chatting away and I hear him exclaim " What the hell that is NOT Pac man". Lol he had gone to his Linux haven site and the link that was once a pac man game was now showing a woman stripping. He promptly got to work to get it off while I proceeded to laugh my ass off. It really tickled my funny bone. Good thing I am not one of those wives who freaks out about her husband looking at that sort of thing lol :D Jay says its not soft porn... I say any woman stripping for camera is lol.... but regardless its gone now and we can have a chuckle down the road thinking about it!

Well the evening progressed and I continued to laze on the couch. Jay makes a run to Esso and being the dear hubby he is brings me back Timmies. I was nearly done my coffee... it was getting on the cold side and the dogs were sniffing around so I thought fine I will show them and they will leave me be. Well I'll be damned if Buster didn't decide to try some and of course once he did Teddi had to to... and that little taste wasn't enough. They bugged to no result til I got rid of my cup lol. So now I not only have a chocolate eating cat... but coffee drinking dogs lol what a crazy group of animals.

On other fronts I have to cancel my counselling appointment for Tuesday which sucks... but right now I just can't give up 80 bucks when I am gonna be home for a month. And I will be HOME.... I spoke to my boss today and she prefers to not have me do anywork and to heal 100%. To quote her, she said" rest that foot and make babies" :).... shes awesome and once again I am reminded about how thankful I am to have found the company.... but man will I miss my boys and I am quite sure after a few days I am gonna go stir crazy! Jay did go buy my cane for me today and thats made a huge difference in walking around the apartment though I don't know quite how far I will adventure for a few days at least.