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Sunday, December 31, 2006

The last year in Review...

So long 2006....

And not a MINUTE to soon I say !!!!

Its been quite the year begining with my diabetes diagnosis in January. I am happy that things are under control now but holy its been an adventure getting there.

We faced the loss of two babies. I thought after losing Peanut I would lose my mind... and then it happened again 5 months later when we lost Trouble... it didn't seem fair and still doesn't seem fair. I had hoped we would be PG again by now but apparently thats not God's plan for us quite yet... GRRR. I know when the time is right we will have a little one to call our own but as I have said before I want my turn NOW... I am tired of waiting.

On the plus side we welcomed 3 beautiful babies to our family this year. That in itself makes 2006 worthwhile... how can such a blessing not be worth putting up with the rest of the crap! :)

As a couple Jay and I have grown stronger... with the adversity we have faced it could have been disasterous for our young marriage but instead we have triumphed and I am so proud of us for that.

We had lots of fun adventures with each other and with our families. We made memories that will last us a life time!

We said goodbye to Shorty and welcomed Ben and Jerry home and have endless of hours of entertainment with the rest of our furbabies.

I got my promotion at work. And while it challenges me to no end I still love my job and couldn't have picked a better agency to work for.

We bought NEW furniture which was incredibly exciting for us lol. Nothing like getting a good nights sleep on a super comfy bed :) AND eek talk about making one more step to a permanent commitment going into debt together.

All in all this year has been one endless adventure. The good, the bad, the ugly... this journey we call life. Yup 2006 was quite the year... but I am more than ready to welcome 2007 and start fresh with a new attitude and I look forward to many new adventures and memories !

Friday, December 29, 2006

New years resolutions blog style.....

Mine


1) Get a pet pony

2) Eat more cotton candy

3) Travel to Costa Rica

4) Study time travel

5) Get in shape with bowling
Jay's



1) Get a pet pony

2) Eat more Cheetos

3) Travel to Sweden

4) Study fashion design

5) Get in shape with whitewater rafting
UT OH... not a good sign that we both have get a pony on our resolutions. Think we should add one to our zoo???? LOL

Friday, December 22, 2006

Its Beginning to smell a lot like Christmas....

WOO HOO the Christmas baking is done :) We had a fun filled night making our goodies and listening to christmas tunes.. boy life sure is better as a couple. It makes the process easier as far as the workload and cleaning up... but its also nice to have the memories and the fun of working together



Didn't we do a good job ;)


I also tried out the electric cookie press that I " inherited" from Lynne this summer :) It actually was pretty easy to use once I figured it out...but I fear a monster may have been created cause now I want to play with it and figure out all the neat things it can do lol. I think they look pretty good...


We also made up butter tart squares ( a must have hey Katy ;) ) and I attempted in making Maple Fudge for the first time... I'll have to let ya know what Steve thinks of it :)

Yawnnnnnn time to crawl into bed and snuggle while we drift off to sleep with dreams of cookies in our heads :)

Come onnnnn Mom Drop the cookies......


Thursday, December 21, 2006

Open Mouth Insert Foot....

So ever have those moments where its like D'oh can't believe I said that. Well I had one tonight lol. We went to a nativity display at one of the local churches. It was beautiful... over 300 different scenes of all shapes and sizes imaginable. Well we came across this one....


And standing in the middle of a church sanctuary I blurt out..." Oh my God I would so kill to have that set"... well some little old lady looked at me and says " I hardly think you would kill" I wanted to be swallowed up by the earth and what does my husband do but look a the old lady and say " oh don't be so sure she wouldn't kill for one"... SMACK lol It was entertaining at least :P

We also grabbed a few shots of other displays that were neat

There was the lego one... VERY original

Of course one more Precious Moments one...


And then we thought this one was amazing. Its hard to see the details because of the way it was set up but we took a couple different angles. ..

Hey Cliff.....

We went strolling down Candy Cane Lane tonight and a few yards caught our eye and we thought of you :) So we of course had to take pictures to share :) The of course look better first hand but these shots give ya the basic idea...

Jay and I thought you might have something like this one but we weren't sure...


OMG these reindeer first hand were adorable.. the pic is a litte dark though so you can't see thier goofy faces...

The pic really doesn't do this arch justice... it was so bright and sparkly...

These penguins are quite hidden by the bushes which it too bad because this is the best shot of them we were able to get...

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

PHHHHT.....

Well went for my planned PG test yesterday and it was negative. I was actually surprised to hear that this morning. I have had some symptoms but I guess it was me doing it to myself because I wanted to be PG so badly. I hate that my body is still continueing to screw up. I hate that I let myself begin to get excited when I swore I wouldn't do that to myself. I hate that it is so damn hard to get PG. I know in a day or two I will feel better again and be all raring to go... guess I just need a little wallow time :(

Dr.G had said if I didn't get PG this cycle he was putting me back on prometrium and upping my clomid dosage the next time around. God willing the higher dosage works and we will be starting our new year off witha BFP.

You Are a Tree

You love every part of the holidays, down to the candy canes and stockings. And you're goofy enough to put a Christmas tree ornament on your tree!


Woo Hoo...well i'm in the right place to be a snowman lmao

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Oh Christmas Tree....

Well we did it... we conquered the annual task of getting the tree up and OMG it was so hard to not be my mother lol. I remember how she used to sit back and tell us exactly what to do... well I left Jay to the lights while I unpacked the ornaments and every once in awhile I would look up and start to say something and catch myself and stop lol. It gave us a both a good laugh and we had fun remanising about putting up our trees as we were growing up. Its so much fun to be building all these new memories and I can't wait til we have our own kids to begin forming traditions with. Ok heres some pictures of this years art........

The Tree obviously lol



We found the perfect baby angels for Peanut and Trouble













And we just had to buy this one for ourselves... ain't it cute :)


Monday, December 11, 2006

14 days til christmas....

Holy cow where has the month gone... time just moves WAY to fast these days. We have had a busy week yet again.... and did more shopping too. We are down to one present other than each other left to buy... heck we even have everything wrapped. I don't think I have ever been this far ahead of the game ever lol. We have all the Christmas stuff hauled upstairs and will be doing our decorating tomorrow and the last task is getting the Christmas cards mailed out on Friday. Then of course we need to go buy the stuff for Christmas dinner but thats a whole different ball of wax. I am so used to baking for the whole family but this year I won't be with everyone... hmm maybe I can just send care packages everywhere :) that would actually be fun :)

We did hit the Butterdome craft sale TWICE and of course spent too much money. We hit the fudge booth and WOO HOO they had diabetic fudge... I do have my insulin figured out for regular treats but its nice to just be able to grab a little piece without having to worry and boy is it ever yummy. We also got an ornament for our tree... that will become an annual tradtion :) We also bought the cutest little angels for Peanut and Trouble... just something little to remember their little spirits with at this special time of year and every year.

We had a FANTASTIC time on Friday night at my work party... its great to see all of our families together with all of the clients the staff spend so much time with... really helps to keep everyone connected :) We enjoyed a good music, good times, good food and of course a visit from Santa...

Our latest week ended up with spending time with Lynne, Katy, Steve and and then later on Cliff. As always we love our time spent with family... and thanks to Steve we spent more money we didn't need to when he lured us into the best dollar store in the city lol... oh the pressure to shop. We did get a few new Christmas things and bought the cutest Santa hats for the dogs... they modeled them tonight but we didn't subject them to picture taking YET... that can wait til Christmas day lol.

Finally a big congrats to Drinda and Ed for giving us our first Great-Nephew... welcome to the family Thomas James :) :)

Thats about it for now... one week til testing to see if we are getting our Christmas wish.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Ok This Name I Like...LOL



Your Elf Name Is...
Booty Helper

Ewww I don't like Mince meat LOL....

Your Elf Name Is...

Stubby Mince Meat

So what's your elf name???

Our Christmas list this year....


Twos
Things you learned this year:
1. That the tough stuff is easier to take with a loving spouse by your side.
2. That faith gets you through the darkest hours

People you met:
1.Dr.Lim- My Diabetes Specialst... thatnks to him I am getting better everyday :)
2. Dr. Gleason... my OB/GYN who made one of the worst experiences in my life a little easier to get through
( this catagorey gets more lol )
3. Jayda... one of my adorable great nieces :)
4. Sara-Lyn... another great niece :)

Things you don’t want to take with you into 2007:
1. My bitterness about my miscarriages
2. My overall sadness about things from my past

Things you want to hold close as you pass into 2007:
1. Jay
2.The beauty of watching my great nieces grow

Things you’re looking forward to in 2007:
1. pregnancy
2. moving to a bigger apartment

Things that were life changing in 2006:
1. My Miscarriages
2. my promotion at work

Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2007:
1. parenthood
2. Getting a car back on the road

One of my blogging buddies tagged all her readers so now I am tagging mine. I like how the questions make to stop and reflect on the past year :)

Monday, December 04, 2006

Baby making is becoming a science...

I really didn't think it would be so difficult to have a baby. Theres no sense to it... theres no logic... its one of those things that we have to deal with and in the end I guess all of our struggles will make the pay off all the more worth while... RIGHT?? lol

I saw Dr.G today... note to self to never go to an appointment with him with out shaving my legs first lol. Anyways he checked out my ovaries because the Clomid I am taking can cause cysts and so far so good ... no cysts WOO HOO. If I am not PG then any day now I should be getting a visit from good old AF... but thats ONLY if I ovulated with the current dose of clomid. Now if AF doesn't show then we have a plan... 2 weeks from today I get a PG test done and if its positive well the celebrating can begin if its negative then he will give me the prometrium again and we start a new cycle. He gave me to refills of the clomid at my current does... if I ovulated then we stay on that does... if we have to induce a cycle then he will up my dose. then I see him again the cycle after next.

Its so much to keep track off... and so many days to count to make sure I am doing the right thing at the right time. Its wishing, wondering and hoping. Its trying to convince myself that when its my turn it will be and all will be okay. Its trying to not get my hopes up to much so that I don't end up devestated if I am not PG this time around. Its trying to not over analyze every little sign that could mean pregnancy. Argh its frustrating... I want a baby now; I am tried of waiting! I just want my turn... is it really so much to ask for???

Saturday, December 02, 2006

So I know I posted earlier but...

LOL I didn't really give an update so here's our excting lives these days. Um me working... Jay hanging out at home. Both of us window shopping.. and then shopping for all of the stuff we planned to buy for gifts this year. This past week we headed out and our first stop was Superstore.. EXCELLENT toy prices there and boy its fun to shop for toys again :). We left Superstore and had to head over to Micheals ( Yes home made gifts for some people again this year ;) ) and Chapters and since it was a nice day and we could see Terra Losa center from the Superstore parking lot we figured it was prolly just as easy to walk as it was to wait around for a bus so off we head. UGH what an adventure that turned out to be... the direct route we saw was not so direct and then we discovered there weren't any sidewalks and had to tromp through the snow.... we had quite the adventure to say the least but it was all fun and after the exercise we decided to treat ourselves to Starbucks lol. Then onward and upward to finish MOST of our shopping. It feels good to say its pretty much done and the couple things we have left to grab we already have planned so its a quick trip to the mall.

The coffee table is craft central right now lol... but can I just say how AWESOME it is to have a hubby thats crafty too! Its great to have the help making gifts and so much fun working together too. We have the Christmas tunes going and we are singing along and having a great old time.

So thats the exicting update... aren't you thrilled lol. In the upcoming days we have a few things going on...the biggest being my OB appointment on Monday afternoon. Dr.G wants to do blood work to see if my dose of Clomid worked causing me to ovulate and will likely do a pregnancy test at the same time just incase... we will also be planning incase the bloodwork comes back that I didn't ovualte with the current dose of Clomid. Once I have results I'll be sure to let everyone know. Then Tuesday-Wednesday I have a 21 ( yes 21) hour shift at work after which I will be going to do our HUGE monthly shop for work... UGH Superstore 2 times in one week is not my idea of a good time( we went for ourselves today)... lol at least on Wednesday I get paid for it lol. Thursday is year marked to get our tree and house decorated, Friday is my big Christmas party for work, Saturday is the Butterdome Craft Sale, Sunday I plan on dieing on my hours off from work then we end up at next Monday and my team Christmas party for work... at the tail end of an 18 hour shift WOO HOO. Its gonna be a hectic week but for the most part I am looking forward to it :)

We are also going to try somehting new this year... the ETS Light Tour ... lol a great way to see all the pretty Christmas lights around the city without a car. We will have to let you know how that goes too.

Well I guess thats about it for now... unless I think of something later :P

Ok here's what i got for the quiz....lol


You Are a Self Help Book!
While your advice is not always welcome...It's always right on target.

ACK 23 days til Christmas....

Where has the year gone???? We are pretty much finished with Christmas shopping... only 4 small things left to pick up and then we get to shop for each other lol. We decided to have a little fun with the blog and switch the blinkies and background out to Christmas based ones and the song to a fun carole :) We have a few quizzes we will be offering up too so I hope everyone joins us in checking them out... The first one is " What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You" lol. This one is mine... Jay will be along later to add his and to finish updating the blog :)



You Are a Christmas Sweater!

Over the top, colorful, and totally flashy.
You're not afraid to be a little tacky.

Monday, November 20, 2006

I saw this posted on one of my many sites that I visit and decided to share it here. It might not be Thanksgiving in Canada but the words of the message are still very powerful. Thank you God for my thorns!

This is a wonderful story... enjoy...share with everyone...

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy. This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss.Troubles had multiplied. Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit.THEN! Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. "For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child's?"

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I.... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra."For Thanksgiving? Do you want the beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'? I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?""Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer,"Hi, Barbara...let me get your order." She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers."Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk.Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers?She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again." She said, as she gently tapped her chest. Sandra stammered, "Ahh, that lady just left with, uh.... she left with no flowers!"

"That's right, said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the "Special"". I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.""Oh, come on! You can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra."Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do, today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery.""That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel.""So what did you do?" asked Sandra."I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly."I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I NEVER questioned Him why those GOOD things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, "WHY? WHY Me?!" It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others." Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about the thought that her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is, I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement...twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator."Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously."Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?""No... I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem. The Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny, here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us. As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too...fresh.""Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out."I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute.""Thank you. What do I owe you?""Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."It read:My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."Praise Him for the roses, thank Him for the thorns

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Pictures of our new bedroom stuff....

The nightstands

The dresser The BEST thing... our new bed
Our next project is to buy new bedding... the multicolor blue just DOES NOT do the job anymore lol. We are thinking a sage green or maybe a multicolor green... what do you think??

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Merry Early Christmas to Us!!!!!!!!!!!

and OMG are we exticted. Ever since we bought our living room furniture we have been on the hunt for a bedroom set. And with every payment we made we would look around at the bedroom sets. Some have been too expensive or cheap looking or just not what we would like. Well today we walked in and hit a sale and fell in LOVE with a bedroom set... its being delivered on Saturday WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Its a Cherry wood set ( that seems to be the theme happening in our house lol) and its soooo pretty and grown up looking lol. The only sucky thing is they only had one nightstand so they have to order us the other one and it can take up to 8 weeks... but hey after 20 + years of mixed matched bedroom furniture whats another 8 weeks. I have to admit though that while we are looking forward to the furniture itself the actual BED is the BEST thing... its a Queen size Sealy Pillow Top.... sighhhhhhhhhhh I can't wait to try that baby out on Saturday night. From the time I reached my full hieght I have NEVER owned a bed that my feet don't hang off of... as of Saturday we will. Yippeeeee :) The best part is the great price we have... our payments are equal to the raise I just got so its not going to hurt our budget at all. LOL when we walked out of the store I looked at Jay and said Merry Christmas and he laughed at me but agrees . It will be small stuff for each other this year again but hey... sleeping on a nice new comfy bed makes it all worth it :)

Midnight Excitement....

So why can't our lives be boring lol. We were sitting on the couch watching the last bit of Law & Order SVU and the fire alarm goes off. Jays looks at me and says at midnight... lol like there is a good time of day to have a fire. Well as fast as they started they turned off so he went to the lobby to see what was going on and I waited... hmm whats that I hear but the fire fighters talking... they were in the basment and their voices were travelling through the garbage chute. I hear 16th floor has smoke then we don't know where its coming from... and I am like okay time to gather the animals. Well the last time we had a fire in the building they all FREAKED. This time they actually stayed pretty calm but man were they all my instant shadows as I moved through the apartment. We gathered the cats and dogs... took the cats and tossed them in the car adn took the dogs for a walk... and waited and Jay nosed about upstairs in the lobby gathering information and I hung out by the basement doors with the dogs. Eventually it came down to the fire department leaving and not knowing for sure what happened... though we all smelt the smoke so something burned. I am glad this evacutation went way smoother than the last one... I forgot my insulin, Jay got scratched all to hell, we didn't grab a cell phone... just bad... this time we had all of those things and still got out reasonably quick and we kept our wits about us and I think the animals sensed it. We definately need to buy a good sized cat carrier that Belle and Taz can share to make things easier. We also made the choice to leave the birds in the apartment. We were both pretty confident that things were okay and the building wasn't going to burn... and taking them out in -15 would have likely killed them... what a tough decison though. Thank God it all turned out okay.

I have to say too that in all my years living in the complex as a kid and now living here with Jay I have only heard the alarm 3 times... and all three times there has been fire. Its nice to know that it can be taken seriously so that we don't become immune to the sound of them ringing.

Well off to bed. Its been a hellishly LONG day and this is certainly not how I expected to have my day end lol. Nighty night :)

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Putting Nana and Papa on notice....

Okay so Jay and I spend alot of time out and about... tons of times on busses and in malls and OMG are teenagers ever annoying. Now I know my nieces and nephews were not perfect but they all were pretty damn good teens... but the ones we see ICK if I was their parent I would have to kill most of them. We were watching a particularily bad group of kids on the LRT the other day and our conversation ended up something like this

I said "can we just lock our kids up for the teen years"

Jay says "Hmm don't think it works that way"

I say "Nope but it sure would be good to avoid problems like that"

Jay says "Well thats what granparents are for"

I say " hmmm yup especially if they have a back 40 and a horse barn"

So Nana and Papa (aka Lynne and Cliff) heres what we came up with... Jay and I will keep our future children for 13 years... then you can have them till they are 21 and ready to go out into the world and we will take them back.

What do ya think... sounds like a perfect plan to us lmaoooooooooooo :P

Adventures in the snow...

and OMG do we have sore legs.

As you all know I got a promotion at work. Well one of my duties as the TL is making sure that the house is stocked with groceries. Well I did our huge shop at the begininng of the month... 4oo bucks at a store where you bag your own groceries UGH... and when I was done one of the staff came and got me... great to have a ride and the help to get the stuff home... especially since it was snowing like crazy that day.

Well yesterday comes and I am going on 2 days off and I realize that we need some stuff... not a lot but enough to justify a trip to the grocery store. Well we got snow yesterday ALL DAY we got snow snow and um yeah more snow. And under those fresh huge piles of snow are ridiculous sheets of ice. NOT FUN to walk in. Not fun at all... but got to do what you got to do... and before I did it I texted Jay and said hey hunny... and of course he came to help me :) So on the bus... walk... try not to slip and break our necks ( been there done that don't want to do it again lmao) .. shop... walk again trying to avoid falling... get the bus.. drop the stuff off and finally head for home. Cold and exhusted... to get up and do it ALL over again today

Well a little different today but the bus... walk... avoid falling... walk yeah pretty much the same. Had to go see my family Dr then I had to get my flu shot and the only west end drop in clinic was ina little out of the way seniors center...UGH. Buy hey we got it done and I am protected. Left there and head to the Westmount Transit center to catch the ONLY bus that goes to Costco... UGH again...I had to make a trip to Costco for one of my guys... they sell the only pancake mix he can eat. Not fun but for him worth it :) So we get there early... we are both starving so we go into the mall and low and behold whats there...a FLU CLINIC. ARGH I could have had one there since I was going to be there... WAH lol. Anyways had lunch then got the bus... took the wierdest route possible I am sure to Costco... then had the joys of trying to get across the street without dieing...shop ... snow...ice.. avoid falling... LONG bus ride to a transist center and then freeze... shiver BRRR feeling like we are dieing waiting for the bus that will take us home.

And we get to do it all over again tomorrow when we go get my cheque and we shop for home... ahhhhh the joys of adulthood and responsibilities lol. And yep I might be whining some but watching all the accidents and issues people had with driving I looked and Jay and said "yup this is a pain in the ass... but driving in that would be worse" lol :)

Mind, Body and maybe a Baby...

I have had a few appointments this past couple weeks so figured I would throw them into one update :)

Hmm lets start with the mind... going not to bad :) I saw Dr.S today and he upped my Celexa to 30mg from 20mg. He thinks there are still a few risidual symptoms hanging around and he would like to see them go as well. We talked about my sleeping issues at night. He would like to see me try a sleeping pill BUT with my job I can't risk not waking up or being out of it if I do wake up should the clients need me and I think it would be to hard to take them only a couple days a week. With the increase in the Celexa I am hoping it will be what I need to get to sleep. Once asleep now I am okay... can just take me up to 2-3 hours sometimes to get there as my mind races and I get flashes of memories that remind me of a slideshow... he agrees witht he wait and see approach when I gave him my thoughts. We also talked a bit about me seeing a therapist and he totally agrees... what a shock lol. We chatted a bit about my issues and he thinks now that the Celexa is leveling out it would be a good time to start exploring everything. I do agree... I have said it a few times... but good lord I am terrified to make that first call. I know the meds are a bandaide and that I need to get to the true route of the depression... but there is still that little part of me that says eh.. you'll be fine. I know I am kidding myself, I know I need to make the call. Jay wants me to, Lynne wants me to,my friends want me to, my Dr's want me to... everyone I trust, love and respect is ttelling me to take that plunge and start. I know I have the support that I will need to get through whatever hell comes up in therapy, I know how much terapy has helped and continues to help people that I love... So why does it terrifiy me to much?!?!

Okay enough of that... on to the body LOL. I saw Dr.L my diabetes specialist and once again had an excellent check up. He said that the Celexa is the best choice for an antidepressent as far as the diabetes go... so woo hoo for that. However it does effect my sugars like CRAZY. I am having to drop my insulin amounts and have actually been able to eleminate some of my fast acting insulin at some meals because my sugars are saying so low... a good thing :) I will be in an adjustment process again as the new dose of Celexa starts effecting me... but hey in the end its worth it and low is WAY better than high. Ummm.. whatelse. Oh my blood pressure is still perfect 106/70 and quite frankly that always surprises me given family history... but hey I'll take the good stuff whenever I can get it. I also got my latest a1C results and I am now sitting at 5.7%... PERFECT numbers... not only for my health but for that of any future babies :) He's proud of me and so am I.

And finally maybe a baby... lol well the maybe means by the end of this month. I take my last dose of Clomid tonight and then its time to get busy and hope for the best lol. I have been doing lots of research and OMG the incidents of twins scares the crap out of me. Of course we would be thrilled if we ended up with twins... but I would quite happily settle for one extra sticky baby lol. I see Dr.G on Dec.4 to see if I actually ovualted or not this month and I would suspect a PG test and planning in the case of either no ovulation or pregnancy. I was sooooo scared the night I took my first pill. My hands actually shook opening up the little package. I know when the time is right we wil have a baby and I will carry to term but after 2 miscarriages this year I am gun shy and I am sure I will be super anxious for the first weeks of my next preganncy. I just have to keep reminding myself that I do everything in my power to protect and grow a little baby and the rest is in God's hands... I just wish this whole TTC journey so so much easier... not only for me but for all my friends who are going through this with me as well. Oh and Dr.G is quite happy with the Celexa to given at any point I could get PG so that also makes me feel better. He also made a notation in my file because while the miscarriages are not 100% the cause of my depression they are a part of it and as such puts me at higher risk for post partum depression.. WOO HOO. LOL... I say lets get PG and have a little one and cross that road if we must 10 months from now :)

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Need to rant...

LOL and I think Jay is tried of listening to me cause I have yattered away at him pretty much since we got home :P


Okay... we go grocery shopping today ( YUCK by the way) and get to the checkout. Now the older I get the more anal I have got about my grocery cart. I shop in a certain order so I can unload and have my stuff bagged in a logical manner. I make a point of unloading the same way to. Well today we had a bagger that had no freaking clue what she was doing. She threw pickles on my bread, dropped my eggs because instead of using the bag holder she would grab a bag and try and stuff items in. Some bags were WAY over stuffed... others had hardly anything.


Now to be fair to her it was apparent she had some type of developmental disability. I work in the field, I have HUGE tolerance when someone with a disability is the person waiting on me. I was extremely frustrated.. though I was nice to her. What made me mad was the store. Either a) she didn't get enough support and training for this particular job or b) she has had lots of support but is unable to master the skills she needs and therefore should get other opportunities within the store. I am always happy to see when a business provides a opportunity for a person with a disability to work... I will in fact tend to shop there more. BUT... it has to be done properly. I was frustrated as all get out and poor Jay got it from me instead of the bagger... but how many people would do that... many would bite her head off and personally I don't think its fair. I am at a crossroads when it comes to phoning the store manager. If I thought she wouldn't get in trouble and would get proper support I would call but my fear is that she won't... UGH what to do????


So we make our call to the taxi company... the same one I have used since childhood and for the first time ever I think I was disgusted by the drivers attitude and lack of customer service. We start off by having to load our own groceries in the car... not a biggie but odd cause any other time I have used this company the drivers assist us. But fine whatever... we get in and the radio is playing a talkshow on international adoption...


The driver looks at us and says its disgusting and that people should not be allowed to adopt because its buying people... OKAY THEN. Well I made a comment about all the children in orphanages and that there is no reason why they shouldn't get homes.. Jay doesn't say anything. The driver then says its disgusting and wrong and if you can't birth a child you shouldn't have a child. Well Jay is still quiet and I made sure to just shut up because I really could have mouthed off and I think it wouldn't have done a damn bit of good. I felt like asking him about all those baby girls dumped in China or the orphans in Hati or Ethiopia? What about kids like Jay who were apprehended because of abuse and deserve loving parents? What about people that would make awesome parents and provide excellent homes to a child and they can't have one of their own because of infertility? ARGH. I think he should have kept his mouth shut... very touchy subject to be speaking about when you don't know the beliefs of your audience.


Well we get home... I pay the fare and add a tip like I always do... why for him I don't know... just habit and courtesy I guess because the drivers for that company are usually awesome. So he pops the trunk and sits while we unload... guess counting his money was more important. He got out to help after he got a call and we were taking to long to unload. ARGH.. I felt like asking for my tip back. I am seriously contemplating calling on him too... I am seriously disappointed in the service we received and had a not been a regular customer of this company I would have second thoughts about calling them in the future.


Ahhhh.... sigh. There feel better now! Thanks for listening :)

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Myspace Halloween

Who came up with the idea that kids should go door to door and ask for candy???? And why aren't adults included in that??? I WANT CHOCOLATE lol! There is nothing quite like a little halloween chocolate bar... guess we have to go buy our own dang it lol

Monday, October 30, 2006

Dear Mom,

Here we are at yet another of your birthdays. These last few weeks you have nearly endlessly been on my mind. I have so many questions and I miss you so much.

It has really been frustrating me that you are not here. It makes me downright mad that you aren't here to meet your beautiful great-granddaughters and that you will not meet the newest great grandbaby that is due right away. It makes me mad that you were not here for me when Jay and I lost our first two babies. Yes I have the rest of the family but its not YOU... my mom the one I should be going to for comfort and support. It makes me mad that you won;t be here when I do finally have a baby. It is not right that my child and all of your great grandchildren will only know you through our memories and stories of you. It makes me mad that you aren't here to see how successful my life is turning out to be. It makes me mad that you weren't here to meet my husband and to be a part of our lives.

I wonder why you made the choices you did. I wonder why you didn't take better care of yourself... especially when you first started to get sick. So many things may have turned around and you maybe could still be with us. I really wonder why you made many of the choices you did when we were all growing up. Many of them just simply were not ok and I wish you could be here to explain it to me so I could try to understand.

I miss you mom and I don't think that will ever change. And even though right now I am mad as hell at you I really do love you. I may not ever understand the choices you made but I would like to believe that you did the best with the skills that you had. I have many happy memories to and they are what are carrying me through. I hope you are resting peacefully and I look forward to seeing you in heaven one day. Until then I will try to move forward and understand all of the questions I have that will never be answered.



Happy Birthday Mom... I do love you,
Kerri

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Parenting 101...

So as anyone who knows me knows... I am a people watcher. Always have been always will be lol. I get my fill on a regular basis on the bus some times its happy, sometimes sad, sometimes just plain funny as hell. These days though I find myself really drawn to watching how parents are acting and interacting with their kids. This past week I saw a daddy that warmed my heart and a mom that I wanted to string up by her nails.

The dad was a young guy... I would say at the very most 18... and that would be pushing it. He was alone with his little girl who I would guess to be about a year old. It was quite apparent that she wasn't feeling good and he was trying so hard to keep her happy. Initially there were no seats availble for him so he was just chatting with her and when he was finally able to sit down he picked her up and she snuggled right in for kisses and a back rub... it was very touching... you could see the love in his touch and how much she adored her daddy.

Not to long later I am sitting on the LRT and a young mom amd her baby got on with a few friends. They were laughing and joking about the mom going to court and all the warrents she had for her arrest currently. She was laughing about going to JAIL and how she would get to see the babies daddy and how damn she wouldn't be able to leave Canada ever because of her long criminal record and that no more baby jail for her now. I was just sick. I was sitting looking at this precious little baby maybe all of 3-4 months old and thinking what a life she's been brought into. It makes me so stinking mad.... furious even. It makes me insane that people act irresponsibly when they have children. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes but there is a time to grow the frick up and become the adult your children need.

I guess part of my issue watching that mom is thinking of my own childhood. My parents made bad choices that will impact all of us always... its what we do with that impact that matters. I have thought lots this last week about what life would be like now if things were different growing up. Would we all be the adults we are today or would our lives be greatly different? Would we have all made the same choices? Would I change my life now... no way. Would I change my childhood sure... for some things but not all of it becasue though there was bad there is also lots of good. But then the reality is through the bad we did become who we are... so I don't know I would want to change things... it really is a fine line.

On the same token I know that young mom bugged the hell out of me because of all we are going through to become parents. We have a stable home and marriage. We have a love filled awesome extended family that would be actively involved in our baby's life. We WANT a baby more than anything... and yet we struggle. We have sent two babies to heaven, I am starting a fertility drug in the hopes that the next time we have a baby at the end of a pregancy instead of another angel. We are doing everything in our power to do this parenting thing right. Then you go down to skid row and see babies being neglected as their parents do drugs, you see people laughing about going to jail, you hear horrors of abuse on the evening news. How is that OK?? Why is it so damn hard for some people to become parents? We aren't the only ones, hell there are many who have it even harder than us. Its just not fair!

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Getting rid of the crazies...

or at least I am hoping to. I think the meds are really starting to kick in now and that sure is making a difference in my whole thought process... but at the same time I am having so many different thoughts surfacing.

I talked to Lynne last night for nearly two hours trying to sort out memories of the various homes we lived in growing up. Some I have right, some I have mixed up, some I don't remember at all. It really bugs the crap out of me to say the least... but hey I am sure it will come in time our with counselling... at least I can hope it will.

More and more I am coming to realize how much... way too much... of my childhood and the childhoods of all my siblings was simply NOT OK. I love my parents... that will never change but boy did they make some seriously bad decisons... but out of respect for them and my family I will not discuss them in detail. I am so thankful for Lynne at this point. I know I am going to need professional help to get through this... but her support is going to be instumental I am sure.

Its The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown....

was on TV tonight. Jay and I tuned in and had a good chuckle... amazing how things from childhood can do that for you :)

We have had a pretty quiet day...mostly playing games. A little rummy, a little Yahtzee and then many hands of Three-Thirteen a new game we found online today. It was a total hoot and a challenge and we can totally see how much fun we can have with the whole family if we play when we get together :) We are really finding that we are enjoying passing the time with games but really need to expand what we have... so with Christmas coming ( hint hint) we are hoping that ( hint hint) we might have some new ones to play ( hint hint) in the new year :P

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Operation Clomid here we come.....

Yet another update to our TTC journey. We had an appointment this morning with Dr.G because I have yet to have a period and its been 8 weeks since we lost Trouble.( Dr.G had told me to come back so we could induce a period if I hadn't had one on my one in 8 weeks) I have to go for a pg test on Sunday( I am 99.9% sure its going to be negative since I just had a negative test on the 10th) then after getting the results Monday I start a drug called Prometrium for 7 days then we wait til my period starts and for cycle days 3-7 I take Clomid which is a common fertility medication for woman with PCOS. And then let the praying begin.

I hope beyond all hopes this does the trick. I am not to worried about geting PG right away because it can take 3-5 months with using Clomid and it has a succees rate of 85-99% ... its whether our next little one will stick around to join us here on earth. Over all we are feeling very positive about the process though Jay might not think so when I get the hormonal side effects that are supposed to come with taking the drug... oh and then there is the 20% chance of twins ... but we just won't think about that lol.
No matter how we look at it we are on the road toward becoming parents again... how sweet would it be if we got that BFP for Christmas :)

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Ramblings...

So a few of you know I applied for a new position at my job... well I got it. Effective Nov.1/06 I will be a Team Leader at the residence I work at. I am looking forward to the change and looking even more forward to the nearly 2 bucks an hour more I will be making lol. For now there will be now change to my hours. We are going to try a month of me doing things with in the capacity of the hours I work now and switch things as I need them and then decide down the road what my permanent hours will be.

Ummm whatelse... well I started my meds. Not a huge change yet but then its been less than a week. I am starting to feel a little better and am having less negative thoughts... so I guess thats a good sign. What has changed dramatically with them is my blood sugars. One of the side effectys listed was low blood sugar and they weren't kidding. Its been an adventure to say the least and I will have to readjust all my insulin levels... but thats minor if theses meds make me feel human again.

Jay and I have been doing lots of talking and I am still up in the air about seeking counselling though I am leaning towards it. I shocked myself today when I said to him I am mad at my dad. And I will say it again I am MAD at my dad. I am mad at the choices he made that stole him from me at such a young age, I am mad that he picked alcohol over his family, I am mad that he chose to live on skid row instead of with us... I am just plain mad. Do you know he died when I was 15 years old and I have never actually said that I was mad at him. Its hard to judge another person unless you actually live in their shoes but damn it he had a famliy that loved him and he chose the damn bottle and it was the bottle that killed him. I am MAD but I still LOVE him and miss him terribly. I think of him often, I long to know what he would think of my life. Its just so damn hard.

Do you know I am MAD at my mom to. She was sick for a long time. She made choices to shorten rather than prolong her life, she made choices young that impacted her life later on. She should be here enjoying her children, granchildren and great-grandchildren...not laying in the ground in a cemetary. Again I am MAD at her but I LOVE and miss her terribly. Especially now when somedays there is nothing that would feel better that a good old mom hug... but instead I get to look at her picture and wonder why?????

When I lost Peanut I decided to talk to a chaplin at the hospital. After talking for a bit she asked me if I had left over issues with losing my parents...I quickly siad no becasue its been so long. As time has gone on I am thinking ya know maybe I do. I had a good long talk with Lynne the other night and she can see where the issues could come from to.

So yeah maybe it is time to talk to some one, maybe its time to actually grieve properly for my parents. To let the anger out to let the feelings flow in a way that I can come to understand and accept them. To come to reaccept the fact that they are gone when I am at a point in my life where I feel I need them the most.

Wow... didn't quite intend this post to become such a rant but ya know what I feel better letting it out :)

Well off to finish supper after purging feelings that have been bottled up for a while. Until next time lol...

Sunday, October 15, 2006






Thursday, October 12, 2006

Time to come clean....

So for the last long while things have not reallay been all that good with me. Off and on over the years have have little dips into depression but have been able to pull myself out pretty well on my own.

After we lost Peanut in March I began a slow desent... and have been going lower and lower. I knew in my heart of hearts the things I was feeling and thinking just was not normal but I pushed it away. I felt like I was seeing a little light come July and then in August I was faced with losing another baby and that light just disappeared.

I have worked hard at hiding my feelings from everyone. Though many saw right through it. And well Jay bless his heart got to live with a jekell and hyde wife over the last few weeks... each day feeling worse than the one before.

I kept trying to rationalize how I was feeling... I was tired cause I am working too much, I am sad cause my due date is approaching, I am not spending time with the family casue I have to work..... yeah right. The fact is that depression had me in its gripes... and I felt truly like I was losing my mind. It simply is not normal to be sitting on the LRT crying... then seconds later be able to laugh at a text message from my husband.

On Tuesday I finally decided to have a chat with my family Dr. He as always was awesome and so very easy to talk to. And wow when he started asking questions I realized just how bad things had really gotten. We decided I should try taking meds and he put me on Celexa . I have to see him every few weeks for the next little bit so he can moniter how I am doing. He ran a few quick blood tests to rule out a physical casue and all came back normal as we suspected. So Friday I pick up the new med and we go from there... hopefully there will be a quick improvement and I can gradually come off the medications again

The decsion now is do I or don't I seek out counselling. Here are many pros of course and really other than talking about potentially icky stuff I can't find a con. It will be a matter of getting myself to a place where I am ready to talk to a stranger and then finding someone who I am comfortable with adn who can deal with all the various issues I have going on... oh how I pity them once the dam breaks.

Other than that life is life. I am looking forward to feeling better... hopefully soon. I have an appointment for my OB next week for further PG planning since my body still has not returned to normal functioning since my last d&C. Hopefully that goes well andI walk away with some positive answers.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Happy Turkey Day....

Hope everyone had an awesome Thanksgiving weekend. We have had a pretty quiet one... I worked of course lol. Yesterday we hit the trails for a nice long fall walk. We actually went on a trail that was new to us.... the last time we were in that particualr area the trail was closed for repairs. It was a really pretty area and in behind the Whitemud Equine center so we also got to stop and watch the horse and pet a few too. Today was quiet and lazy. Made shake and bake , taters adn stuffing and thanks to my awesome supervisor at work we enjoyed a little pumpkin pie for dessert :) It was odd not having a huge dinner with the whole family... I really missed it but I am very thankful that I did get to spend the time with my hubby :)

As always when we were out walking we snapped some pictures. The one of the river valley is pretty... but sure doesn't do all the colors real justice.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Its A New Blogging Year...
Yup we have been sharing our lives with all of you for a year... wow that time went fast. We decided in honor of starting another year of sharing we would give our blog a fresh new look :) We found the song that is playing by fluke... I am a huge Reba fan and yet had never heard it before but hey it sure is our lives and well I think that of many married couples.

We have shared many ups and downs and just as many monents of tears and laughter over this past year. I am looking forward to the future as Jay and I continue to build our lives and hopefully our family and the new adventures it will bring our way and you can bet we will be here sharing them with you :)

Thanks for being faithful readers of our simple little blog.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Happy Anniversary to us....
Wow has it really been a year already. It seems like just yesterday we were busy with frantic preparations for our wedding. We have had many ups and downs this year but we both really believe that our relationship is stronger than ever.

We didn't do anything overly exciting today... got to love life on a budget but we did take the time to focus on each other and just enjoy our day. We went to see The Guardian... I would highly recommend it to everyone. I was in the mood for a chick flick to which Jay turned up his nose lol but we had both wanted to see The Guardian so off we went... there was a little love story and enough of a story line to make me cry and enough action to satisfy Jay... a perfect date night movie :P After the movie we had an incredibly "romantic" dinner at McDonalds lmao.... who says romance has to cost bucks!

The real celebration was once we were home. We pulled out our Unity Candle from the wedding and re-lit it... as we will on every anniversary. It was very touching to be able to relive a little piece of our wedding


After we re-lit our candles we settled in with our wedding glasses; shared a toast with a glass wine then totally enjoyed a slice of anniversary cake


Now we are heading into a evening of cuddling... sigh its so nice to have an extra evening off work :) So it wasn't the fanciest day, it wasn't overly romantic.. but for our simple lives it was a perfect anniversary filled with love and dreams of what adventures our second year of marriage will bring us :)

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

We've been inked.....

Yep we finally made our appointments and let Steve at us with needles lol. It's been many many years in coming for me to get this first tattoo... and Jay well he had some but wanted a few homemade ones from his teen years covered up. We headed down to Steve's shop tonight and WOW I am soooooo impressed. It hurt yeah but not nearly as bad as I expected it to and I am already so thrilled with the results. I can't wait to see how they look all healed.

As I said in a previous post Steve had found me a perfect cherub to honor my babies :)We left it as is tonight with the possiblity after its healed to go back in and add a bit more white to the wings. I will leave that to him to decide as I trust him totally :) Jay got a awesome image of his favorite animal... the wolf.

So here are the pics... remember these are just a few hours old and are all red and irratated still. I will repost pics once they are all healed up :)

Mine














Jay's





















We are both already planning our next tattoos LOL... wonder how long it will be before we catch up to Steve :P

Friday, September 15, 2006

Ever wonder how grocery carts get in weird places????


Ugh I hate this weather but hey at least we are the poor suckers getting the SNOW already ICK!!!!!!! But weather whining wasn't my real reason for the post. Nope thought I would come and give you a little chuckle or possibly a moment of sympathy for us lmao.

So there are days like today when it truly SUCKS to not have a car... but Jay and I headed off to pick up my pay cheque get it cashed and get on with running errands. We finished our day off at Safeway. Run through, load up on groceries and stop dead in our tracks when we see the CROWD of people waiting for taxies... some claiming to be there upwards of an hour already. Oh well we say and make our call

Well 15 minutes later and the person waiting an hour still has not recieved her taxi and we are like well its not that far. I mean we seriously walk this route all the time... just not with this many groceries. The rain has let up though it is still cold but nothing we can't handle and we decide screw it, grabbed our grocery cart and start trucking home.

Yes we became some of those people...we ran away with a grocery cart. We walked 20 minutes home with a cart load of food and had people that we passed on the way laughing at us... oh well lol. The rain was nice enough to hold off til we were 5 minutes from home... just encouraged us to walk that little bit faster

Never thought I would do it but guess there is a first time for everything lol.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Time for a quick update....

Boy time sure does fly ! Nothing too much exciting going on around here. We just came through the long weekend EXHUSTED but happy.

I spent the weekend with Lynne, Carmen, Hannah, Sara and Jayda... what a blast. It was great spending time with all the babies. I had a few sad moments when I would think about my little angels and wishing there were still here with us... but then one of thew girls would grin at me or need something and I would jump back to the here and now. Jay stayed busy with the guys working on eves and fencing and totally enjoyed himself.

This weekend was a different experience for us. In all the time we have been together the most time we have spent apart was a few hours. With me working and the boths of us being busy with different parts of the family when I wasn't working we maybe had a total of an hour together from Friday evening when I went to work til all the work was done Monday evening. It certainly isn't something we are used to doing but we got through it lol and it made coming home Monday evening that much more enjoyable lol ;)

Today we went to see Dr.G for followup after losing Trouble. UGH sitting in that waiting room was torture... thankfully it was only for a few minutes. He was super nice and very sympathetic. At this point he thinks it was jsut another fluke of nature :( Not what I wanted to hear but then I didn't want to hear something was wrong either... though in someways that would make it easier than thinking it was somehow my fault :(

We did discuss various tests and he can't do anything thing until we lose a third confirmed pregnancy... god forbid it happens again. He did say that he will run every test imaginable right down to a biopsy of my uterus if we do lose another baby... good to know but I am praying for all I am worth that we won't have to ever run those tests. He did give us some positive information. He said that the Dr who id my d&c took a good look at my "stuctures" lol and everything looks really good... I guess sometime the shape of the uterus can casue miscarriages.

He also said that the pathology report for Trouble came back good. He reviewed the one for Peanut again while we were there too. He said that for some of the antibody tests I asked about it would have been apparent as the cause of both miscarriages... so that was a relief. We discussed trying again and he wants us to go ahead after one cycle( typical for post miscarriage) We have a plan in place if things don't start on thier own but he's pretty confident that they will.

He also started me on the metformin again... my miracle drug it would seem :) We talked a bit about using progestrone supplementation becasue of the PCOS and he explained a lot of the research to us and how its mostly used if there is a luteal phase defect... not likely I have that so until it becomes evident he won't supplement. We did talk about staying on the Met as well when I become PG again... he disagrees but did talk a little bit more about the research and some data gathering a Dr here in the city is working on. Jay and I will be doing more research and we will talk in more depth with Dr.G when I become PG again. Ultimately he might not like it but the final decison will be for me and Jay to make.

So there we have it. Not a ton of news but then it wasn't all bad either. Its just gonna be a long few weeks before we can try again. In someways I am ready to try this very minute and in another the break even if for a few weeks will do us good and allow a bit more time for our heart's to heal. And on the plus side if I am not PG I can still get my tattoo lol. I finally have a plan in place with Steve... now we just have to make an appointment. I can't wait! He found the most perfect cheub for me :) :) When its all said and done I'll be sure to post a pic.

Well off to do a bit of scrap booking and relax before work :P Its gonna be a LONG day tomorrow... I work OT and then we have a company BBQ to go to and we are on the clean up crew... me and my big mouth lol so I best relax while. I can TaTa for now :)




Friday, August 25, 2006

myspace code
Myspace Codes: MyNiceSpace.com

Happy Birthday Jay! I sure do love you and feel so very belssed to be your wife :) I know its been a rough year but maybe today can be a turning point for smoother sailing for both of us :)

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Was it a sign?????

The reality of losing my second baby finally hit me full upside the head last night. All throughout the day yesterday I was feeling rather unstable. I kept trying to push it away. I stayed busy playing on the computer, reading, napping, watching tv/movies... anything to not think. By 2am I was feeling exhusted and finally gave up and tried to go to bed.

And then it hit. The tears, the overwhelming pain, the emptiness, the feelings of horrid betrayl to my husband and my precious babies. I cried so hard and Jay being the amazing man he is was just there for me. He let me cry it out and encouraged me to do so. I know it had to come but I guess I just didn't want to accept the reality that once again I have failed to provide life to one of my babies. I laid there wondering what was wrong with me. Why can't I do this? What am I doing so wrong? I would make such a good mommy and I know Jay is going to be an amazing daddy and once again it is my fault that his dream has been ripped away from him. What is wrong with my body that it can't sustain a new life? Its just not fair!

So as my tears were finally coming to pass after an hour of sobbing... I heard the rain. And it was POURING. It made me think of a song by Steve Wariner called Holes in the Floor of Heaven. The chorus says...
...'Cause there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin' down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
And sometimes if you're lonely
just remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me...
I turned to Jay and asked him if he knew of the song... he didn't so I played the whole thing for him today and he agreed it was like a sign. I wondered if it was a sign from our parents sharing our grief with us? Was it a sign from our babies that they are up there and okay? It gave me a little comfort thinking that I was getting a message from someone up there and I was able to drift off to sleep... listening to that wonderful rain.
In the past days I have done lots of searching for music and have found a few knew ones that have really touched me. One I came across is called God Only Cries by Diamond Rio.. again it seemed to speak to me. The chorus is....
...God only cries for the living'
Cause it's the living that are left to carry on
An' all the angels up in Heaven
They're not grieving because they're gone
There's a smile on their faces
'Cause they're in a better place
than, mmm, baby, than,
oh God only cries for the living
'Cause it's the living that are so far from home...
I am trying to let that one guide me to not be so sad. When I lost Peanut I went through grief all over again for my parents and I find its happening again. I love my brothers and sisters and family to death... but I want my Mom....I want my Dad. I want to feel their arms around me... I want the comfort that only a parent can give. I know they are in heaven resting peacefully and I am grateful that they are free from the pain of this earth... but I still doesn't change the fact that I miss my parents always and at times even though its been 21 years for dad and 11 for mom the pain can be as fresh as the days we said goodbye.
I thought I was handling losing Trouble better than when I lost Peanut and I supposed in some ways I am and in others its worse. I know I ned to give it time... but right now I feel like this emptiness in me will never go away... only now its times two. Two precious babies that have become angels becasue I failed to give them life. Two precious babies who will never take a breath on this earth because I am a failure as a woman. Two precious babies who I will never forget.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Labor Of Love.....

Its been a tough couple days for us... but so different from before. The loss of our first baby followed so closely by our second is rather overwhelming. Instead of sitting and wallowing in grief we decided to do something productive. We decided to design a new site called Angels Among Us . Please pop by and visit and leave us a message in our Guest Book. It is dedicated to our two angels and we have put some basic information about PCOS and pregnancy loss on there and in additon we published all my poems plus ones that have touched us. We will be adding to it as time goes by so please keep going back :)

We also have a blog for Trouble... started the moment we learned I was expecting just as we did for Peanut. You will find the page under our links... or you can get to it through Angels Among Us

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Trouble didn't make it...

I am just numb right now

4am I woke up with this awful pressure in my belly. I got up and wandered the house a little bit and tried to keep my nerves calm. At 530 I had a horrible wave of cramps and felt like I was passing something... when I went to the bathroom I had passed a fairly large clot and was bleeding quite a bit. I woke Jay up and we headed back to the er. I had the same dr as whem I lost Peanut and she was so wonderful. She examined me and said I am so sorry... my cervix was fully open and I had tissue pushing through. She contacted the ob/gyn oncall and they decided to do a d&c asap. I was in OR before 10 amd was just released from the hospital about a half hour ago.

I don't even know how to begin to describe how I am feeling. I hate myself so much and have wracked my brain for everything little thing I have done wrong... drinking too much coffee before I knew I was PG, forgot my synthroid a couple times, forgot my folic acid and vitamins a few times. I could go on and on all I can think is what kind of horrible mother am I that I can't even protect a baby long enough for it to take a breath on this earth. I jsut want to curl up and in a ball and die along with my babies. I just don't understand and I don't think I ever will

Saturday, August 19, 2006

We had a scare :(

Last night (friday) I headed off to work as usual feeling just fine. I went to the bathroom about 930pm and discovered I was spotting( red turning to brown ). My first thought was oh no not again. I called Jay then called my boss to arrange for someone to come in and cover for me. My brother came and picked me up and away we went to the hospital. They were all so nice but man did we have hours and hours to wait. By the time I saw the dr the spotting was gone. He examined me and said everything looked good and booked me for an ultrasound this morning.

So back we went at 1015am. The tech wouldn't tell me anything or let me look at the screen. I kept flipping back to how much this was like when I lost Peanut... it was so hard to stay positive. Back to the er to wait. The Dr who saw us was the same one that told us we lost Peanut. I was instantly relieved when she called us into the fast track room instread of a gyn room.

So... Trouble( the baby's nickname and so EARNED) is still with us. The ultra sound showed a fetal sac and a good fetal pole and they estimate I am just coming on 6 weeks so while they didn't see a heart beat they aren't worried about it either. I had a moderate subchronic bleed and there is a little blood evident around the sac but not in the sac... more good news :). I am on bedrest for the week and if the spotting comes bcak or i start cramping I am suppose to go to the er right away. She said at this point it looks like all is fine but its still to early to tell if I am 100% out of the woods. I am supposed to see my OB ASAP and schedule another ultrasound though she thinks as long as I dont have any symptoms I should still be fine until the 29th.... the question is what will my OB think.

Please send out lots of P&PT's and super strength sticky vibes.

Thursday, August 17, 2006


Yep the blinkie tells it all!!!!!!! So the story lol. Tuesday we had an appointment with my ob/gyn. We discussed the issues I was still having as a result of the PCOS and he decided it was time to move on to trying Clomid.... but first he wanted to do a test just incase lol. So Jay and I left the appoinment feeling very happy that we had a plan. Now over the past couple weeks I have been having symptoms much like when I was pregnant before but I had myself convinced it was all in my head... I think really it was self-protection incase we were going to hear that the test was negative.

So fast forward to this morning. I called Dr.G's office like he had asked me too. He said Tuedsay that he would talk to me if I had to take Clomid so he could explain it all to me. I told the nurse why I was calling... get put on hold for seconds though it felt like hours and hours lol. Then the nurse comes back and says she is transfering me to to Dr.G so right then I was like I am not pg... but its all good. WRONG ... he just wanted to tell me himself.... it went like this

Dr.G: Hi Kerri
me : Hi
Dr.G: SO looks like you wont need to take anything afterall
me: Really??
DR.G: Really you are pregnant
me: NO WAY!!!!!!!!
DR.G oh yes... and you are good and pregnant your hcg is already over 7000

Well the tears were instant and Jay clued in right away what was happening. I then had to talk to the nurse to arrange an ultrasound... I go on August 29th. I swear this is going to be the longest two weeks in my life. Dr.G needs to see how far along and wants to extra sure that everything is okay... though he assured me several times today that it is.

I think we are both still in shock. I am feeling very optimistic because I have such great Dr's and I know that they will do all they can to help us carry our little one to term.

I am struggling some with my emotions. I want this baby so so very much... but I want my Peanut. Will that ever go away? Will there ever be a time that I can fully accept losing the baby that should have been my first child? I am surprisingly feeling very calm and not worrying about losing this newest little one... I guess because I know its all out of my hands. I am worried about my emotions the day of the ultrasound... but jay will be there beside me and I know we will get through whatever is tossed our way.

LOL Jay just came back with some chocolate milk for me... yes the cravings are starting again already... chocolate milk and of all damn things HOT SAUCE. I actually was pouring the stuff on my taco tonight. UGH lol. We are off to work on a new blog once again for our new little one :) We will share the link once we have it up and running.

Love to everyone... please send Semitruck loads of sticky vibes to us :)

Sunday, August 13, 2006

21 years....

Dear Dad,

I can't believe its been 21 years since we said goodbye. Where has the time gone? As always as the time for you anniversary approachs thoughts of you stay foremost in my mind. My memories pop right back to the surface and I love all the smiles they bring. So so many things have changed in this past year. You have 3 new great- grandaughters bringing your total to 4 and they are all so beautiful. Just yesterday Lynne and I were looking at Jaydas hair in the sun and seeing so many red highlights... we know they come from you and we wondered if she might grow up to have the same shade of red hair as you did. How neat would that be :) You would have loved these precious so much. Come November you will be blessed with yet another great grandchild... all of the grandchildren you left behind have grown up and are such amazing adults. You would be so proud!

I accepted so long ago that you were gone and yet my my wedding day arrived last October it was just wrong that you and mom weren't here to share the day with me. I felt your presence and I know that in spirit you were there... as you both always are. I hope you are both happy for me. Jay and I didn't meet in the most traditional sense but we are so happy and I am sure you both would have loved him to death. I wonder how often in these last 4 months you have heard my prayers. In March when we lost the baby that would have been your 8th grandchild we were devestated but one of the few things that brought me comfort was knowing my little Peanut would be safe in heaven with Grandpa andGranny till I get there. So one more time I ask you to take care of our precious little baby and tell him or her how much mommy and daddy loved and wanted them. Did you hear us talking about names...a little boy would have been Grant ... for you.

Through the years I often think of you. I go back in time to fun we had and places we visited... especially as I visit them now as an adult with a new perspectives. I catch myself doing things like you... like chewing my pinky finger and have to give a little chuckle. Its neat knowing that a little habit we shared allows you to live on :)

Well out the door I go. I am off to spend the day with Jay, Lynne, Katy and Jayda... no better people to be with on a day of rememberance. I love you dad and always will. Say hi to mom for me and give her a big hug... and give my Peanut a few extra snuggles tonight.

Missing you always
Kerri

Friday, August 11, 2006

HI..........

I know it has been awhile since i have posted anything on here,but here goes nothing...LOL As far as any projects i have started(including the IBM server) has pretty much stalled out for now,but i guess i needed a break from computers and the internet and focus my attention elsewhere...

And today was one of the most emotional days i have had in a longtime..We went to see World Trade Center and i must say it was one of the best movies i have ever experienced so far...brought back many memories and horrors that to this day i have totally blocked out.

Its amazing to see what human beings are capable of...and all to make a tiny statement,2500 people died....FOR NO DAMN REASON!!!!!!

Never Forget,Never Forgive.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

A step back in time.....

To September 11, 2001. We went to see the movie World Trade Center this afternoon. To say the least it was an experience. The second we saw the first trailer Jay and I knew we wanted to go and see how Oliver Stone would depict one of the worst days in the world's history. It was was incredibly moving, it was tasteful... it made us relive the day all over again. There is not a person in this world who was not effected by September 11 and the aftermath that followed... though so many were forever changed in ways we can not even begin to imagine. Oliver Stone did an amazing job of placing the audience in the middle of it all, in the shock and horror as it happened, as the families prayed for answers of their loved ones. I have seen many many movies...none has touched me the way this one did and I doubt there is one in the future that will even come close. I hope you all see it, I hope you all take the time to remember those who died, I hope you all can step back in time and remember the heros of that day.I hope none of us will ever forget the evil that came to be that fateful morning.