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Happy Birthday Jay! I sure do love you and feel so very belssed to be your wife :) I know its been a rough year but maybe today can be a turning point for smoother sailing for both of us :)

Was it a sign?????

The reality of losing my second baby finally hit me full upside the head last night. All throughout the day yesterday I was feeling rather unstable. I kept trying to push it away. I stayed busy playing on the computer, reading, napping, watching tv/movies... anything to not think. By 2am I was feeling exhusted and finally gave up and tried to go to bed.

And then it hit. The tears, the overwhelming pain, the emptiness, the feelings of horrid betrayl to my husband and my precious babies. I cried so hard and Jay being the amazing man he is was just there for me. He let me cry it out and encouraged me to do so. I know it had to come but I guess I just didn't want to accept the reality that once again I have failed to provide life to one of my babies. I laid there wondering what was wrong with me. Why can't I do this? What am I doing so wrong? I would make such a good mommy and I know Jay is going to be an amazing daddy and once again it is my fault that his dream has been ripped away from him. What is wrong with my body that it can't sustain a new life? Its just not fair!

So as my tears were finally coming to pass after an hour of sobbing... I heard the rain. And it was POURING. It made me think of a song by Steve Wariner called Holes in the Floor of Heaven. The chorus says...

...'Cause there's holes in the floor of Heaven

and her tears are pourin' down

that's how you know she's watchin'

wishin' she could be here now

And sometimes if you're lonely

just remember she can see

there's holes in the floor of Heaven

and she's watchin' over you and me...

I turned to Jay and asked him if he knew of the song... he didn't so I played the whole thing for him today and he agreed it was like a sign. I wondered if it was a sign from our parents sharing our grief with us? Was it a sign from our babies that they are up there and okay? It gave me a little comfort thinking that I was getting a message from someone up there and I was able to drift off to sleep... listening to that wonderful rain.

In the past days I have done lots of searching for music and have found a few knew ones that have really touched me. One I came across is called God Only Cries by Diamond Rio.. again it seemed to speak to me. The chorus is....

...God only cries for the living'

Cause it's the living that are left to carry on

An' all the angels up in Heaven

They're not grieving because they're gone

There's a smile on their faces

'Cause they're in a better place

than, mmm, baby, than,

oh God only cries for the living

'Cause it's the living that are so far from home...

I am trying to let that one guide me to not be so sad. When I lost Peanut I went through grief all over again for my parents and I find its happening again. I love my brothers and sisters and family to death... but I want my Mom....I want my Dad. I want to feel their arms around me... I want the comfort that only a parent can give. I know they are in heaven resting peacefully and I am grateful that they are free from the pain of this earth... but I still doesn't change the fact that I miss my parents always and at times even though its been 21 years for dad and 11 for mom the pain can be as fresh as the days we said goodbye.

I thought I was handling losing Trouble better than when I lost Peanut and I supposed in some ways I am and in others its worse. I know I ned to give it time... but right now I feel like this emptiness in me will never go away... only now its times two. Two precious babies that have become angels becasue I failed to give them life. Two precious babies who will never take a breath on this earth because I am a failure as a woman. Two precious babies who I will never forget.

Labor Of Love.....

Its been a tough couple days for us... but so different from before. The loss of our first baby followed so closely by our second is rather overwhelming. Instead of sitting and wallowing in grief we decided to do something productive. We decided to design a new site called Angels Among Us . Please pop by and visit and leave us a message in our Guest Book. It is dedicated to our two angels and we have put some basic information about PCOS and pregnancy loss on there and in additon we published all my poems plus ones that have touched us. We will be adding to it as time goes by so please keep going back :)

We also have a blog for Trouble... started the moment we learned I was expecting just as we did for Peanut. You will find the page under our links... or you can get to it through Angels Among Us

Trouble didn't make it...

I am just numb right now

4am I woke up with this awful pressure in my belly. I got up and wandered the house a little bit and tried to keep my nerves calm. At 530 I had a horrible wave of cramps and felt like I was passing something... when I went to the bathroom I had passed a fairly large clot and was bleeding quite a bit. I woke Jay up and we headed back to the er. I had the same dr as whem I lost Peanut and she was so wonderful. She examined me and said I am so sorry... my cervix was fully open and I had tissue pushing through. She contacted the ob/gyn oncall and they decided to do a d&c asap. I was in OR before 10 amd was just released from the hospital about a half hour ago.

I don't even know how to begin to describe how I am feeling. I hate myself so much and have wracked my brain for everything little thing I have done wrong... drinking too much coffee before I knew I was PG, forgot my synthroid a couple times, forgot my folic acid and vitamins a few times. I could go on and on all I can think is what kind of horrible mother am I that I can't even protect a baby long enough for it to take a breath on this earth. I jsut want to curl up and in a ball and die along with my babies. I just don't understand and I don't think I ever will

We had a scare :(

Last night (friday) I headed off to work as usual feeling just fine. I went to the bathroom about 930pm and discovered I was spotting( red turning to brown ). My first thought was oh no not again. I called Jay then called my boss to arrange for someone to come in and cover for me. My brother came and picked me up and away we went to the hospital. They were all so nice but man did we have hours and hours to wait. By the time I saw the dr the spotting was gone. He examined me and said everything looked good and booked me for an ultrasound this morning.

So back we went at 1015am. The tech wouldn't tell me anything or let me look at the screen. I kept flipping back to how much this was like when I lost Peanut... it was so hard to stay positive. Back to the er to wait. The Dr who saw us was the same one that told us we lost Peanut. I was instantly relieved when she called us into the fast track room instread of a gyn room.

So... Trouble( the baby's nickname and so EARNED) is still with us. The ultra sound showed a fetal sac and a good fetal pole and they estimate I am just coming on 6 weeks so while they didn't see a heart beat they aren't worried about it either. I had a moderate subchronic bleed and there is a little blood evident around the sac but not in the sac... more good news :). I am on bedrest for the week and if the spotting comes bcak or i start cramping I am suppose to go to the er right away. She said at this point it looks like all is fine but its still to early to tell if I am 100% out of the woods. I am supposed to see my OB ASAP and schedule another ultrasound though she thinks as long as I dont have any symptoms I should still be fine until the 29th.... the question is what will my OB think.

Please send out lots of P&PT's and super strength sticky vibes.

Yep the blinkie tells it all!!!!!!! So the story lol. Tuesday we had an appointment with my ob/gyn. We discussed the issues I was still having as a result of the PCOS and he decided it was time to move on to trying Clomid.... but first he wanted to do a test just incase lol. So Jay and I left the appoinment feeling very happy that we had a plan. Now over the past couple weeks I have been having symptoms much like when I was pregnant before but I had myself convinced it was all in my head... I think really it was self-protection incase we were going to hear that the test was negative.

So fast forward to this morning. I called Dr.G's office like he had asked me too. He said Tuedsay that he would talk to me if I had to take Clomid so he could explain it all to me. I told the nurse why I was calling... get put on hold for seconds though it felt like hours and hours lol. Then the nurse comes back and says she is transfering me to to Dr.G so right then I was like I am not pg... but its all good. WRONG ... he just wanted to tell me himself.... it went like this

Dr.G: Hi Kerri
me : Hi
Dr.G: SO looks like you wont need to take anything afterall
me: Really??
DR.G: Really you are pregnant
me: NO WAY!!!!!!!!
DR.G oh yes... and you are good and pregnant your hcg is already over 7000

Well the tears were instant and Jay clued in right away what was happening. I then had to talk to the nurse to arrange an ultrasound... I go on August 29th. I swear this is going to be the longest two weeks in my life. Dr.G needs to see how far along and wants to extra sure that everything is okay... though he assured me several times today that it is.

I think we are both still in shock. I am feeling very optimistic because I have such great Dr's and I know that they will do all they can to help us carry our little one to term.

I am struggling some with my emotions. I want this baby so so very much... but I want my Peanut. Will that ever go away? Will there ever be a time that I can fully accept losing the baby that should have been my first child? I am surprisingly feeling very calm and not worrying about losing this newest little one... I guess because I know its all out of my hands. I am worried about my emotions the day of the ultrasound... but jay will be there beside me and I know we will get through whatever is tossed our way.

LOL Jay just came back with some chocolate milk for me... yes the cravings are starting again already... chocolate milk and of all damn things HOT SAUCE. I actually was pouring the stuff on my taco tonight. UGH lol. We are off to work on a new blog once again for our new little one :) We will share the link once we have it up and running.

Love to everyone... please send Semitruck loads of sticky vibes to us :)

21 years....

Dear Dad,

I can't believe its been 21 years since we said goodbye. Where has the time gone? As always as the time for you anniversary approachs thoughts of you stay foremost in my mind. My memories pop right back to the surface and I love all the smiles they bring. So so many things have changed in this past year. You have 3 new great- grandaughters bringing your total to 4 and they are all so beautiful. Just yesterday Lynne and I were looking at Jaydas hair in the sun and seeing so many red highlights... we know they come from you and we wondered if she might grow up to have the same shade of red hair as you did. How neat would that be :) You would have loved these precious so much. Come November you will be blessed with yet another great grandchild... all of the grandchildren you left behind have grown up and are such amazing adults. You would be so proud!

I accepted so long ago that you were gone and yet my my wedding day arrived last October it was just wrong that you and mom weren't here to share the day with me. I felt your presence and I know that in spirit you were there... as you both always are. I hope you are both happy for me. Jay and I didn't meet in the most traditional sense but we are so happy and I am sure you both would have loved him to death. I wonder how often in these last 4 months you have heard my prayers. In March when we lost the baby that would have been your 8th grandchild we were devestated but one of the few things that brought me comfort was knowing my little Peanut would be safe in heaven with Grandpa andGranny till I get there. So one more time I ask you to take care of our precious little baby and tell him or her how much mommy and daddy loved and wanted them. Did you hear us talking about names...a little boy would have been Grant ... for you.

Through the years I often think of you. I go back in time to fun we had and places we visited... especially as I visit them now as an adult with a new perspectives. I catch myself doing things like you... like chewing my pinky finger and have to give a little chuckle. Its neat knowing that a little habit we shared allows you to live on :)

Well out the door I go. I am off to spend the day with Jay, Lynne, Katy and Jayda... no better people to be with on a day of rememberance. I love you dad and always will. Say hi to mom for me and give her a big hug... and give my Peanut a few extra snuggles tonight.

Missing you always
Kerri

HI..........

I know it has been awhile since i have posted anything on here,but here goes nothing...LOL As far as any projects i have started(including the IBM server) has pretty much stalled out for now,but i guess i needed a break from computers and the internet and focus my attention elsewhere...

And today was one of the most emotional days i have had in a longtime..We went to see World Trade Center and i must say it was one of the best movies i have ever experienced so far...brought back many memories and horrors that to this day i have totally blocked out.

Its amazing to see what human beings are capable of...and all to make a tiny statement,2500 people died....FOR NO DAMN REASON!!!!!!

Never Forget,Never Forgive.

A step back in time.....

To September 11, 2001. We went to see the movie World Trade Center this afternoon. To say the least it was an experience. The second we saw the first trailer Jay and I knew we wanted to go and see how Oliver Stone would depict one of the worst days in the world's history. It was was incredibly moving, it was tasteful... it made us relive the day all over again. There is not a person in this world who was not effected by September 11 and the aftermath that followed... though so many were forever changed in ways we can not even begin to imagine. Oliver Stone did an amazing job of placing the audience in the middle of it all, in the shock and horror as it happened, as the families prayed for answers of their loved ones. I have seen many many movies...none has touched me the way this one did and I doubt there is one in the future that will even come close. I hope you all see it, I hope you all take the time to remember those who died, I hope you all can step back in time and remember the heros of that day.I hope none of us will ever forget the evil that came to be that fateful morning.

Rainy Day Fun....

First I have to say ENOUGH of the rain already.... where the heck did summer go??? I know we live in Alberta but this is getting ridiculous already BLEH.

So another boring day at home... we decided it was time to do a little fixing up of the old blog :) We removed some blinkies and added a few new ones. I was really happy to find ones on awareness for several causes that are close to my heart :) We updated the furbabies pics on the sidebar and lastly we decied to add a touch of Music. We chose "Amazed" by Lonestar... one of the many we used for our wedding and one of our very favorite couple songs :)

Hope you enjoying the little fixer uppers... we enjoyed doing them :)

Have to do a happy dance......

I had a checkup today with my diabetes specialist. He is VERY happy with how well my sugars have been controlled... and the best part.... my a1c is 5.8 WOO HOO. He said they consider that perfect for a NON diabetic. I am so proud of me!!!!! He told us to go home and have lots of fun trying to make a baby because my body right now is perfect for it as far as he is concerned :) :) Some days I hate the hassles being a diabetic brings but in the end knowing I am doing a good job and controlling it instead of it controlling me makes it all worth it. My next appointment with him isn't for 3 months unless I get pg then its in to see him right away and then every two weeks after... ick to that but boy I can't wit till I have to make all those appointments :)

Other than that life has been pretty boring around here. Work, home, work home... ya know the usual hum drum lol. We did go see Fast and Furious Toyko Drift tonight. I was one of only three women in the theatre lol. It was actually a pretty decent movie. Excellent action with a story tosed in on the side ...Jay says thats for the women :P I say the glimps of Vin Disel at the end was totally for the women and left the movie set up for a possible number 4... guess we will have to see.

So thats our boring world... whats new in yours?????