This week I will take Buster on one walk until he poops.....

LOL quite the title for a post isn't it ;) Yesterday I had my second Change ways session and the focus was setting goals that we can attain so we can start feeling success which leads to mood improvement which leads to depression lifting which leads to reduced chances of severe relapse... you get the idea. In coming up with our goal we worked through six steps based on one of the problems/enjoyable things we came up with last week. Here's how the process works

Step One:
Create a problem list. This is the stuff that feels overwhelming and affects day to day life or that you have simply been avoiding. At the same time write out the things that are pleasureable to you even if it was a long time in the past.

Step Two:
Pick one thing out of your list to work on. For me I picked I need to get back to exercising

Step Three:
Break the problem down into small bits. The anaology used was breaking a boulder into gravel! When working this step be very secific. For me it was what things are exercise. I have swimming, walking, aquasize, the gym. Right now the easiest thing is going for a walk and in the past I have loved to do that but in these last many many months I haven't gone on one pleasurable walk.

Step Four:
Create possibilites for solutions. They all need to be positive. Brainstorm your way through... let the moment just be the thoughts don't have to be sensible. I have lots of options for walking; from extending my walks between bus stops, to walking with Jay to walking Buster

Step Five:
Select an Action. Take one of your possibilities from step four and work with it. Find a positive way to word your goal. In this part I chose to walk Buster

Step Six:

Pare it down and be specific. Be realistic about what you can do right now. The more depressed the smaller the goal. The idea is baby steps so that you create your own successes. If you surpass the goal thats awesome but its far from what is expected at this point. The idea is to not feel or think but to act out the behavior. It doesn't matter how much you hate it or love it while doing it; its jsut geting it done. It can take 2 minutes of the day, it can be 2 hours long. Its all in what you can handle. Be clear in when the goal is over. Eg want to clean the bathroom break it into steps and make one step the goal and thus the goal is complete if you clean the sink. The key is are you 98% you can do it. If not make the goal smaller.

So for me it was walk Buster. Seriously somedays that is way to overwhelming... that was very hard for me to admit but its true. So I had to set a clear end ; while I am quite sure once I get outside with him I will enjoy it and we will walk for a good 20 minutes I also know some days the thought of a 20 minute walk makes me want to curl up and hide. Thats where the pooping came in... lol gave the group a good chuckle. But I picked that because it means that at most I have to go and stand outside the door with him and in the best case senerio we will actually walk for a bit. Good for me and good for him and taking care of him will make me feeling better. I also only picked one time and as time goes on that can increases. I know for right now one time is all I can handle thinking about. Its amazing what a reality check I am getting as I work through this stuff.


There ends week two. I will be sure to post when I have my success :)

I have no clue what to title this....

mainly because my head is full of random thoughts and feelings.

We are moving. The packing has begun. The house is in chaos. I am trying to leave some of the past behind.

In leaving some of the past behind I am struggling; yet feeling free. Mostly it was time for me to get rid of the various stuff I still had of moms. Kathy is taking a couple things. I am keeping a couple things... that will be put safely away. And some of it is just gone. For damn near 13 years I have been hauling around a flower from her funeral... it is GONE. I couldn't do it. I asked Jay to when I wasn't around. But it was soooooooo freeing to not see it when I walked into the living room. I can't even begin to explain it.

I spent this afternoon going through my hope chest. We reorganized some things to make it easier for the next place. I downsized :) I sat and spent nearly 2 hours going through cards that I have kept. Many laughs, smiles and tears came in that time. Many cards I let go... but a selection just had to stay.

I look at the cards mom gave me and it rips me apart wondering how she could write me such loving words and then do some of the awful things she did. I can't comprehend it I just can't. I look at her writing and think how unfair it is that she is not here and that all I have left of her is bits of ink on paper. I have ONE card from my dad... the only thing with his writing. I do have his all time favorite book and will always cherish that.... even in its beat up condition from being stuck in his back pocket. It is just so damn unfair that because of the choices they made I am stuck with little random pieces of paper to represent them instead of having them here with me.

At the same time the cards brought me lots of smiles. It was great looking at the cards I have gotten from Dan, Katy, Shawna, Scott and Dustin. It was so cool watching them grow up from birthday card to birthday card. Many of them touched me, many made me laugh. Katy... one from you made me chuckle the most. I don't even remember what year it was from but it was when you were in the stage of not likeing "mooshy or corney cards" so you bought a blank one. You said I looked at cards they were all too stupid too moosey or too corney so you are getting a blank one. And of course you signed it with love ;)

Then there were the birthday cards from Lynne and Kathy.... love all of them too and it was neat seeing me grow up through their eyes while reading from year to year :) Lynne... you gave me one that said" We owe so much to mom and dad.... think we can sue them" I laughed right outloud as I am sure I did when I first opened it.

Then came the everyday cards.... the just because cards. They were some of the most touching I think. Ones that gave me strength in the tough times. Ones that reminded me that I am loved by my family even when I was feeling so alone.

The next task was all the various things I have be given or purchased through my miscarriages. All of that stuff is now packed away in a box all its own. It will in time be unpacked and placed in somekind of chest that will be put away... but for now the memories are closed up together. It was so hard to do and yet it felt right to do at this point in time. We had gathered a few things up for when we finally had a baby and that has been packed up to give away as well. I don't know why I decided to do all this now.... especially when for many things I am having a hell of a time knowing that our third angel was due this past week. Who knows maybe that is why. The time may come... it may not. I guess I just needed to no longer torture myself with objects designed to care for a baby I don't know I will ever have.

In the sorting I came across a collection of poems I had saved from my teen magazines. many were about crushes and first loves... typical teen stuff. Some really speak to how crappy I obviously felt as a teen. I got rid of most of them... but kept many that still grabbed me today. I kept one out to share.... it feels like life right now.

COURAGE

Whenever my heart is sinking low,

My smile must never let it show.

Whenever the skies are dull and grey,

My laugh must be cheerful anyway.

Whenever I think I'll lose all hope,

I must learn to live and cope

With everyday problems that may arise

That try to hide my smile

Or dim my eyes

For each new days invites me to try

To find the courage needed to live by.

Written by Amy Clarke

I look at those words and think what a sad thing to have been attracted to as a kid. Why should I have had to try and cope? How is it fair I had to hide feelings? The words mean a lot to me now but in a different light. There are days that want to bring me down... but I fight through them knowing that my future is so much brighter than the past I am leaving behind.

well I must sleep for work so I am going to sign off from my rambling ;) Sorry for the novel... it was just better to get it out then let it fester.

Change Ways Week One......

So I started my group therapy today. Not really much to report it was more a meet and greet and introduction to the outine of the weeks to come. I have my first set of homework lol. One exercise is writing down all of the things I enjoy doing the other is writing down all the stuff I struggle with and want but dont have in my life. Ought to be interesting. Over the next weeks I will have to set a goal to meet between the sessions and the goals will be generated out of the lists I make this week. The rest of the group seems nice enough. There is a range of people from the low 20's to the 50's... men and women. As the weeks go on I will update... I may even sahre some of my homework.... guess it will depend on what they have me doing ;)

On a side note my counsellor grabbed me on the break and asked what was up. The woman knows me way to well! I admitted to her that I am struggling right now. There is sooo much going on. So many thoughts in my head. The toughest at the moment is knowing this week we should have had a baby. My other due dates have been a little tough but we have dealt with it. But this one has been hell! I feel so empty! I told her that it was our edd and she said she knew there was something. Aside from that I do know I would benefit from a session so I will definately go see her. I have been very thankful in the past that I made such a good connection with her... today really showed me that she cares about her clients and really does get to know them :)

Took my counsellors advice....

A few sessions ago I chatted with my counsellor about how hard it is to stay out of my dark circling thoughts during my quiet times at work.... and now that I am on midnights there are MANY quiet moments. I was on my way to a very rough night last night and I just didn't want to go there. Worrying isn't going to help the issues at hand... they will only make me crazier and ummm just don't need that. So I tried thinking of something positive...and it hit me. Today is three years since Jay came to Canada. That thought set off a whole slew of thoughts.



The first being how in the world can it be three years already! We have gone through so so so much.... many couples wouldn't have made it and yet here we are. Many times we have talked about the huge leap of faith he made in coming here. Many times I have been amazed that he loved me that much to make such a leap of faith.

Lynne has said many times that the song "I knew I loved you before I met you" by Savage Garden was written just for us :) guess in many ways she is right.... three years ago tonight Jay and I met face to face for the very first time. We had fallen in love via an internet friendship and instead of the first planned visit and many very long talks... when Jay hopped the plane to come here he was coming to stay!

In the heat of the moment three years ago I blew my side of the family away.... the one who swore she would never marry was picking a virtual stranger up at the airport and letting him move in. Then I was just happy... now I see why they thought I was insane lol. Lucky for me I was right and things have turned out great.

I never thought I would see the day that I looked forward to coming home and talking to the same person day in day out. I never would ahve thought it possible to miss the person you live with when life gets in the way. I would have never thought that I would love spending an afternoon munching on popcorn and playing scrabble. I never would have thought I would become an avid fan of Fmaily guy.... and yet here we are.

There is no doubt that we have struggled.... both emotionally and financially. In the end though we always seem to come out stronger and more bonded. Three years in and still not a fight! We have our moments of course... I know there are days I can be a queen bitch but I have learned to acknowledge that and he has learned to ignore me lol. I annoy him, he annoys me but we are able to let all the little stuff go. When it comes to the big stuff we can talk openly and honestly.

Its been an amazing journey so far. Its a journey I never in a million years would have thought I would go on but I am oh so very happy that I did. In the rest of my quiet times I wrote a poem... a little cheesy but lol I was feeling sentimental. As you read remember I have been up all night too lol....

On a snowy night three years ago

Two hearts would connect

A love would begin to grow.

She stands and nervously waits

On shaky knees he goes to the arival gates

They leave the airport hand in hand

Headed off to an unknown land.

A first supper at Wendy's

Then staying up to talk the whole night through

That first tentatinve kiss

That in thier hearts created immediate bliss.

Life as a couple has now begun

Teme to meet the family

Oh what Fun

But not a one of them

Could make him run.

Then came the day they vowed to stay

Together forever

Through whatever may

A toast to the couple then out the door

Off to another land

They hadn't been to before.

Their love grow's stronger

Through the joy happiness and tears

Three little angels

They wished they cold have kept them longer

Walks by the river, journies to places umknown

Day to day life never wishing

for seeds they haven't sowen

On a Snowy night three years ago

Two hearts connected

And their love still continues to grow.

Happy three years hunny! I love you!