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Thursday, April 27, 2006

And a walking we will go.....

I just have to post and brag a little lol. In a previous post I mentioned I had joined the walking challenge on my board. Well my hubby got right on board with me and even when I don't want to walk he encourages me to go :) So tonight we did another 3 mile loop and we hit the 31 mile mark WOO HOO us.... I had set my goal at 30 miles for the month :) I am so proud of us :). Next month we are going to aim for 40 miles :)

On the same note we have found a new walking route. Back when I was a kid I would go visiting my friends on the other side of the ravine lol. Well the other day I decided to take Jay down memory lane yet again so off we went... through the residential, up by my junior high and over the freeway on the walkway and through the ravine and home again ... 3 miles , many hills, 72 stairs down and 80 stairs up ! It doesn;t feel that far at all because we are busy talking about life and dreaming about our futures :) While we were out tonight we took a picture of us in the ravine....


...... don't we make a cute couple lol :)

BLEH........

That about sums up how I am feeling today lol. We have had a few days of mixed emotions and today we got an answer we have been waiting for.

About a week adn a half ago now my blood sugars started going a little wonky. Not bad by any means but not as controlled as they have been. Well the last time that happened I was PG with Peanut... we thought nah but then it was a possibiblity. I got ahold of the diabetes center and they agreed that it might be wise to get a PG test done. UGH! We tried to not think about it but how can we not. Off to the Dr and he too agreed and so I got poked. Well today we found out it was negative and I just don't know how to feel.

Do I want another baby... more than anything in this world. Am I ready to be PG again... I think more than ready. Am I sad I am not PG... yes and no. Part of me wanted it so bad but then part of me was terrified and I don't think that feeling will ever go away. I know when its meant to happen again it will and I hope that time come sooner rather than later. I think no I know part of me was feeling guilty about the possibility of being PG when its jsut 4 weeks since we lost Peanut... the need to move on and try again still feels like a betrayal to the baby I wanted to badly and will forever love and remember. Sigh... what a mixed up mess my poor brain and heart are in.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Can you find the dog?????














Yes Buster finally got a MUCH needed haircut... he lost enough fur we could have build a brand new dog lol

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

11 years......

Dear Mom,

Wow are the years passing fast! Its hard to believe that 11 years ago we were all together saying goodbye to you. I miss you everyday and wonder what you would be thinking if you were still here.

So much has happened for me this past year. I finally met the love of my life and I am sure you would have though I was totally insane meeting Jay on the internet... it was still such a new thing when you were here. I know you would love him though. He fits in with the family so well and he treats me really great. I am so happy. I really missed having you there on my wedding day. I think that was the hardest thing for me. I hope you felt our love and were smiling down from heaven when we lit your candle. I did have a few tears that day but Virgina helped me through them and told me that she knew you would be so happy for me.

I have made many changes for the better. I am doing great professionally and know you would be proud of that. We moved back to Meadowlark village... its odd to be back to a place where we once lived as a family but at the same time its neat knowing my kidswill grow up in a place that holds many happy memories. It was fun walking around with jay and sharing stories with him. Everytime I walk down the alley with Teddi and Buster I can picture you and Skippy strolling along and it brings a smile to my face :)

More than ever I have been thinking of you this past few weeks. I found out I was pregnant and I so wished you were here with me to share the joy. I wondered so much about what you would be thinking about your baby having a baby finally. Then came one of the saddest days in my life so far... the day I lost my precious baby. It was threes weeks today that we said goodbye to Peanut and asked God to take care of our baby for us. I am comforted by the thought that my baby is with you though. I can picture you holding Peanut in your arms with a big smile on your face. I would give anything to have my baby back and I would give anything to have you back but that will never happen... but at least you are together till I get there.

I love you so much mom and I still can't believe sometimes that you are gone. I can feel you around me and when I look at the cards you gave me and I see your words of love written to me its almost like part of you is here with me. I hope you are resting peacefully and that you are there to greet me with open arms when it is my turn to come home to heaven. Until then please take care of my baby, say hi to dad and give him a huge hug, look out for all of us and all the new babies coming to the family. You may be gone from us here but your love and memory will never leave us feeling lost or alone.

All my love for now and always,

Kerri

Friday, April 14, 2006

Time Flies....

And I suppose that can be a good thing. Its hard to believe that its been just over two weeks since we said goodbye to Peanut. I am doing so much better overall and have been able to let go of the feelings of guilt and betrayl. I think talking to the chaplin last week and then talking to my family Dr made so much difference. My Dr told me that as hard as it was to lose Peanut I had to realize I did everything right and that I should be proud of myself. The logical side of me already knew that but it did my heart so much good to hear those words from him. I have written couple more poems and just wrote a letter to Peanut and will probably continue to do those things for awhile. I still have my journal to work through and will do that when the time feels right. I have gone back to work and thats helped to... its good to have a routine again though I do not regret one moment of my time off. I needed to give my heart and my body time to heal. I have my follow up /precare appointment with the OB/GYN that did my D&C set for May 9th. I am looking forward to it and it will be interesting to see if there was a reason why we lost Peanut so we can fix it and if there is no reason thats okay but it will be good to know either way. Jay and I have spent many hours talking and thinking about what we wanted to do and we decided to try and concieve again right away. As hard as it was to lose Peanut we can't dwell on it forever and lets face it I am getting up there in years lol. We also looked at the reality that it took us a year to concieve Peanut and while it may take that long again we are sure hoping its quicker this time



On my Fertility board one of the leaders set up a challenge for us to walk and drink water. Its been so much fun and motivation participating with everyone. I set my goal for 30 miles for the month because I walk close to three miles each day I work... so I figured I didn't want to over do it. Well I didn't take into account that I was going to be off, that a simple trip with West Ed equals 3 miles,that walking would be so theraputic for my mind as I dealt with losing Peanut and that simply the weather is great and I want to be outside walking more. Well I have already done 24 miles since April 1 ... looks like I am going to meet and beat my goal lol. I think I am gonna have to modify it since we have more than two weeks left for the month. Thanks Lindsy for motivating us all :) You Rock!!!

We also get some great news on the diabetes front yesterday :) When I was diagnoised with the diabetes my A1c level was 11.3% ( the A1c gives an average of how much blood sugar you have over 3 months). My specialist set my goal at 6.5% because we were going to trying to have a baby ( typically anything under 7% is good). Well my latest results are 6.9% WOO HOO me. I was so happy. I was aiming for 8% so I was thrilled to death and my Dr is very happy with me. He thinks the last little bit will come when we find a good level of insulin to control my fasting sugars overnight. Overall I am doing really good. If for not wanting a baby I would be within perfect ranges.... but since I do, the fasts have to still come down some. I am doing good enough that I don't have to see him for three months unless I get PG again then I have to make an immeadiate appointment so he can monitor me.

So time is moving on. I still miss the baby I never got to know but I know that will get even easier as more days pass us. I am looking forward to trying again and feeling that joy all over again and hopefully this time now that everything is totally under control and all my Drs are right there and will monitor me right from the get go all will work out for the best... and for some reason its not meant to be well we will get through it but we won't know unless we try :)

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Even though people told me....

I never thought my heart would begin to heal. In many way the events of last Wednesday are still fresh deep wounds and yet in other ways I am beginning to find my smile again and can actually see the bright side of the sun again. It has been a lot of work and many days the feelings are still so overwhelming I can't handle it.

I did go back to the hospital to talk to the spiritual care chaplin and I felt so much better after I did. Through talking to her I started to find the irrationality to many of my thoughts on my own. She also explained that all of the thoughts I am having including feeling like I have betrayed my marriage are totally normal. She gave us lots on information for support groups and we are going to try them out. Earlier that same day we recieved the memorial bracelet that we had made for Peanut arrived. It is so tiny and so fitting. It actually ironically matches the necklaces that Jay and I had made for ourselves... guess thats a sign from above that Peanut is okay and in spirit still with us.

Yesterday I was back to my family DR. We had to get my hCG levels tested to make sure my hormones were going back to normal. It was hell waiting to go for that blood test. It was I was sitting waiting for the final confirmation that my baby was really gone. While I was waiting there was a young mom with a baby there and she was babbling about how she is gonna have another baby and I just wanted her to shut up... but thats hardly fair becasue she certainly didn't have a clue about the pain that I am going through. We heard back from the DR today and my numbers are well on the way down and one one hand I was happy but on the other I was sad. Its good to know in time my body will be ready for another baby but I still long for the baby I already had and would give anything to have back.

I am still struggling to understand why this happened. Why can so many unfit people have babies yet I couldn't??? Its just so unfair and the answer is one I will probably never get. There was someone on my fertility board that had similar spotting to mine and yet her baby is just fine. I cried when I read that post and again asked what did I do??? I am so happy her baby is okay and yet I couldn't bring myself to post back to her. I am finding a battle within myself between being happy for others and bitter towards them... and God how I hate those feelings. I am sure in time they will level out as well but like everything else its goning to take time.

I am also struggling with trying again. I so desperatly want to try and yet I feel like I am betraying Peanuts memory because its so soon to be wanting to try again. I still need the okay from the DR's before we try so there is still a few weeks I am sure and maybe those feelings of betrayl will lessen by then. I guess thats another thing the support groups will be good for.

I hope the day will come that I can just enjoy the memory of the time I had Peanut with me and the feelings of hurt and my betrayl to both Jay and Peanut go way. I hope the day comes that I will be able to forgive myself. Until then I will continue to try and heal and lean on my amazing husband and those close to me for the support I need.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Tried my hand at poetry....

I have been hunting down so many memorial sites on the net for all the babies who have been lost. I have read many words that have given me comfort and many more that have brought a tear to my eye. After reading a bunch of poetry tonight I became inspired to try my hand it. It felt really good to get those feelings out on paper. I debated on what to do with it and in the end decided to put it on Peanuts blog. I had thought about putting here but then decided that it was more fitting to place it on the blog designed to honor the child I was writing it for. I don't know if I will try again but I think its pretty likely that I will. It feels odd to me because I don't usually put my thoughts and feelings in to words but the moment I became pregnant I felt the desire to write to my baby so I could share all I was feeling and going through so in a way I guess it stands to reason that the same act will help me on the process of grieving for the same baby.

On my search I found a site that has a candle room. I filled out the form to have a candle lit for Peanut but it will take a couple days to show up. I liked the site over all but was shocked by the published pictures of babies who had died. I can totally understand wanting to have those pictures and can imagine in that place taking some of my own but I am not sure if they are anything that I would share with the world. If you want to check out the site is called The Lost Ones just be prepared to see the babies who gave died if you click on the photo gallery like I did.