Working towards healing our hearts....

The reality of losing Peanut is sinking in more and more. I can not believe the overwhelming emotions I am feeling.... never in my life have I felt this way. Through the day yesterday we did pretty good. We talked lots, cried often and worked together on Peanuts Blog. It did us both so much good. Last night though was a different story. We crawled into bed and before I knew it I was in near hysterics crying and sobbing. I was so overwhelmed with everything and poor Jay could just hold me and let me work it through. I feel so guilty thinking I did something horribly wrong, I feel like I betrayed my husband and stole his child from him, I keep second guessing my decision for the D&C and hate myself for not asking for a second opinion just incase. I don't know how to move past all these feelings, I don't know how to forgive myself. Plain and simple I want my baby back and I know that will never happen. I know in time we will be trying again and we will become the parents we always wanted to be but I want it now, I want my Peanut, I want the baby that we tried so hard for and would have been so loved. Its so unfair with the people who have children they abuse and torture and yet people like us who would provide a loving and safe home have their child stolen away before he or she ever had a chance.

I had a long talk with the spiritual care people at the hospital and they are sending me out lots of information because apparently all these things I am feeling are normal. They have also offered counselling if I need it... or Jay too. I am going to try to work through all of this on my own with the support of my husband and family but if it becomes to overwhemling then I will turn to them. I talked to a friend who lost her babies in December and she recommended a book called " I'll Hold You In Heaven". It is designed to help women who have lost a child through misscarriage, preterm birth or early childhood. We went to Chapters today and ordered it for me along with the Journal to help me work through some of these feelings.

We also did some " healing" shopping. We bought matching neckalces that we designed for Peanut. For now we will wear them all the time and in time we will I am sure be ready to take them off. We also purchased a Precious Moments called " Safe in the Arms of Jesus". I think though the hardest purchase was a little tiny pair of shoes that we had planned to buy Peanut when he/she arrived. We went ahead and bought them today and will one day put them away but for now they will be right where we can see them. Yesterday I ordered a special made baby bracelet from a lady online. She makes them for babies who have beeen lost and also send a memorial book and when that arrives it will be added to our little collection of Peanuts things. I also completed the preganany journal that I had started for Peanut and put it away for now. Jay and I talked and we are going to look at shadow boxes and get on that we can place everything in.

Overall its been a very tough few days. I know as each day passes it will get easier but I also know I will never forget my first child.

Heres a few pictures of the stuff we bought today:

Someone gave these to me today so I thought I might as well share.....

I'll Hold You in Heaven

From the very beginning I loved you,

As I made plans to hold you and rock you:

You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,

But something went wrong and soon you were gone;

My young heart was broken,

my tears fell like rain,

I'd never known such heartache and pain.

I wonder who you look like,

me or your dad,

Do you have my smile and his eyes?

Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?

We had dreams for you that reached to the skies

.It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,

Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.

I'll hold you in heaven someday,

When my trials on earth pass away;

The angels have rocked you,

the Father watches over you,

I know you're waiting for me;

I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",

But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

(c) 1998 Jo Ann Taylor All Rights Reserved

Mommy's Little Baby

By LisaMarie Emerle

Mommy's little baby is not really far away

I'm keeping you in my heart and that's how it's gonna stay!

Although you didn't meet me and look into my eyes

Mommy will be thinking of you when I look up in the skies

And when I feel the sunshine ... shining down on me

I will know you're safe & happy and where you have to be

I have so many questions and there are no answers to find

But don't think for just a second that you'll ever leave my mind

You my precious angel made a mommy out of me

But our Father up in Heaven chose to raise you instead of me

God must have so much in store and wonderful plans for you

So I will carry this burden of pain so all your dreams come true!

So don't you cry any tears my love - be happy and be free

When God decides it's time....you will meet Daddy and me

You are very special both here and in heaven above

No matter where you are my angel you have Daddy & Mommy's Love!

With very sad hearts....

we have to say goodbye to our peanut. I started spotting on Tuesday and yesterday afternoon we learned that peanut no longer had a heartbeat. We have revamped our Letters to Peanut site so please stop by and pay it a visit and join us in saying good bye to our precious baby.

I Really Miss My House In New York......

It turns out that the house that has been in our family for close to 100 years(yes its that old) has been seized by the bank and put on the chopping block for auction(no thanks to my nephew who was living in it,it seems he forgot to pay the mortgage payments for almost two years).

And now it is just sitting there empty,all alone,a shell of its former glory,it breaks my heart to see it that way,no one to care for it,no children running up and down the stairs,no Christmas trees erected in the family room,nobody sleeping in one of the six bedrooms.

So now i must say goodbye to one of my best friends i ever had,always there to comfort me in the darkest periods of my life.

So Long Old Friend,I Will Miss You.

Time To Start A New Adventure......

and what and adventure it will be. Friday morning Jay and I found out that we are finally going to be parents... WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOO. In honor of our baby to be we have started another... yes another blog. We will have updates here of course but the ther blog is actually going to be letters to our baby who we have dubbed Peanut. Feel free to pop over to Letters to Peanut anytime you want to get a more detailed look at the joureny we are about to embark on :)