Just have to brag....
We actually started Christmas shopping! I can't say what we bought of course but I am so darn proud of us lol! I never in my life thought I would be shopping in September for gifts but dang it feels good.
Hmmm in other news not much going on... our biggest thing on the agenda right now is waiting for the call that Katy is FINALLY in labour! Come on Little man you have a whole crazy loving group anxiously awaiting your arrival!
Our Summer to date....
We went to Capital Ex with Lynne... mmmmm corn dogs and mini donuts. Lynne and I actually decided to be brave and check out the virtual reality game.... it was a blast.
Another year down....
Can someone please tell me that this next year will be better?? I have tried many times in the last few days to think of things that are truly positive from my 36th year and ya know other than having a great marriage and husband and a loving family I can't think of a damn thing... and thank god I have those things to be positive about!
I think of the babies I have sent to heaven, I think of my near breakdown and having to go on antidepressents, I think of all the crap that just feel so overwhelming and then as if I haven't had enough crap this past year I lose Teddi to. I know shes in a better place and she looked so very peaceful when we found her but god how I miss her.
I think of the future year and know that I am facing all the testing for recurrent pregnancy loss... will we get the solution to our issues or will we be told that I will never carry a baby... one of my hugest fears. I know we can adopt and its something we have both said, that regardless of whether we have a biological child or not, we would like to do. But damn it I want my turn; I want to feel my baby move, I want to hear a heart beat, I want the labour pains... I want the whole deal from start to finish!
I start my counselling FINALLY on August 27th.... god how I hope it helps me. I hope I can gain some insight into myself and why I think and feel the way I do.
I hope that we can have many happy times in this upcoming year. I hope next year I have nothing but good to say about my 37th year. I just am trying with all I have to simply have hope for the future!
I would die for that....
I was hunting around at online at random and came across the link to this video. WOW does it ever describe how I feel!
Sent another angel to heaven :(........
Well the much dreaded happened and we have lost another baby. Here is a run down of the last few days....
Sunday Night
I felt like I was living a total nightmare! I went to the washroom and discovered I was spotting :( .. looks just like when things started with my other losses :( I was at work and there is nothing the hospital can do for me that time of night so I stuck it out at work til my ob opened in the am. I was so beyond scared its not even funny :( Jay is came to the house and spent the night here just incase things got bad
Monday Morning
I talked to my ob's nurse. They wanted me to go in to ER. I am having isolated left side pain and the spotting has now turned red... at this point they want to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. I did some research last night and I am exhibiting symptoms :( and meet the risk catagories as well :(
Iwas feeling so lost and numb... I don't know how to go through this again :(
Monday evening... home from the ER
I came from the ER and what a jerk the dr was.... very odd for the Misericordia.
Anyways he said that my uterus and tubes were totally empty and that either a) I am not pg ( even though it was a blood test by the dr that confirmed it) or b my dates are way off or c) I miscarried and didn't realize it.( um duh I think I would have noticed passing a seven week fetus)
Seriously I felt like hitting him. He was just so callous and didnt even bother coming all the way into my room or even look at me while he delivered the news.
We came to realize that there is a very real possibility that this is a chemical pregnacy and while physically its not as hard emotionally its still another slam.
I have an appointment with Dr.G tomorrow at one and we will see what he has to say. Jay and I have done a lot of soul searching and talking and have decided that we are going on hold for at least 6 months and perferably on bc to keep my cycles going somewhat regular and when we are ready we will try again
Finally today
So over all I feel MUCH better after talking to my own dr! He was very upset with how I was treated yesterday and will deal with it so yay.
as for me...
it is definately a miscarriage. The a$$ at the hosptial said my uterus was empty but he was WRONG! there was a sac... the position of it indicates that it could have still possibly been an ectopic so Dr.G is monitoring my hcg levels until they are at zero and then we move on to the next step. At this point he wants me to miscarry naturally and to avoid yet another d&c... he said as the next two weeks go by he will decide if we need to revisit the possibility of a d&c if the miscarriage doesnt progress. Once the miscarriage is over we move on to trying to discover why this is happening
He said all in all there are about 19 tests that will done... many of them blood work. I will be having an hsg and a uterine biopsy ( ow and ow lol) and those tests could be expanded based on results. Jay will be having bloodwork done too.
We are definately on hold for right now.... for how long is to be determined. I can't go on bc until all the testing is finished and I can't get pg til then at least either. That gives us a little more time to decide exactly how we want to prevent a pregnancy and for how long. I am going to take the time to refocus on me and to get back into the gym. Jay and I are going to just keep ourselves focused on saving and taking care of ourselves and see where it leads us. Dr.G would like me to lose some weight before we try again but was very nice about it... I figure this is a good chance to do that and had thought about it before I ever went to see him. he did also say due to my age he wouldnt like to see us go on hold for too long nad ideally we hould look at about 6 months.
So there we have it. I have so many mixed emotions about this loss. I am sad and yet feel numb to it. I know its happening but it doesnt seem real either if that makes any sense at all.
Well after months of trying we are finally expecting again WOO HOOO. By my calculations I am due Feb.4/08 and that makes me 6 weeks pregnant at this point... scarey because that is the stage we were at with our second miscarriage. Jay and I are feeling very positive this time and have decided that regardless we will enjoy this new little life growing in me for however long he/she stays with us. I have my first ultrasound on June 21 to make sure we are doing okay... so please say tons of prayers that we see a little heartbeat! Then I have my first prenantal appointment on July 9 and I start my appointments with the Diabetes specialist this Thursday and thats a very good thing because holyman are my sugars going CRAZY! We will obviously keep everyone updated as time goes along. I am also journaling specifically for just this pregnancy and everyone is of course welcome to come by and have a read the link is... http://www.babycrowd.com/jr/online/kelegr/
Excuse the mess...
yes we are remodeling again lol. This time we are experimenting with fonts and dividers so check back often to see how it all turns out :)
What do beans, cottage cheese and timmies have in common.....
Thats about it for excitment around here lol. I am working an INSANE amount of hours and getting very little time at home these days... I think that month off was some kind of blessing from above so I would be rested enough to take on work for this month lol. And speaking of work I better tear myself away from here and finish our early supper of Spinach and Feta perogies before I have to go again... sigh !
Saw this...
On a friends blog and thought it looked like fun.... Whats your visual DNA?
On to another round of Clomid...
We got the results of my lastest blood test today and once again I am not PG. Todays negative hit me really hard. I had the signs... I was so sure. I HATE the mind games I play with myself. 99% of the time I am ok and I can move foward with a positive outlook but today was just different. I don't know why the clomid didn't work this cycle when it did the last time. Dr.G is away so one of his partners reviewed my file and prescribed me the prometium I need to get things rolling so we can move forward. I hate it, I hate that my body is so screwed up.I know our time will come but right now that doesn't give me any comfort.
This time last year we were so happy. This time last year I had a tiny life living within me. This time last year I never dreamed of all we would end up going through on our journey to become parents. That happiness came to a halt on March 29th. We got up, we tried again, we succeeded to once again have that little one taken from us... a little one who should be joining the world in just a couple weeks. I think that's why todays negative hit me harder than the others. I was sure I would be pregnant by now, Dr.G was sure, heck I think everyone around me was pretty sure and yet here I sit wondering why and longing so badly for a baby to call my own.
Movies our new addiction....
So being off has allowed us lots of freedom to do what we want when we want. Its been nice. We have caught up on movies at home... SawIII, Carrie, Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood ( much to Jays chagrin lol), American Pie presents Band Camp... and others that I can't remember at this moment.
On top of those we have been to the theatre 3 times as well ( got to love airmiles all inclusive movie passes).
First we saw Premonition . Excellent movie. One that requires some concentration but over all we really liked it. It's one of those that I would like to see again because I know I missed stuff the first time around.
Based on many family recommendations we went to see Blood Diamond It has got to be one of the most disturbing movies that I have ever seen. We walked away just ill at the horrors that the movie portrayed and what these people are living through. One particular scene keeps playing over and over in my head...where Solomon wonders how his countrymen have turned against each other. It spoke volumes to the plight of all of those trapped by civial conflict. The violence was sickening, the terror was so realistic. Definately a movie that I want to add to my collection. If you haven't seen it I HIGHLY recommend that you do... it will change you forever.
Then today we headed off to see Wild Hogs we had, had a pretty crappy morning and Jay decided we needed a laugh... and boy did we laugh. What a great feel good movie. It was more than just a comedy. There was the tests of freindships, various levels of relationship issues, self discovery... it was a little of everything and well worth a trip to the theatre. I can still get myself chuckling when I think of some of John Travoltas scenes... just a hoot overall. So if you need a laugh or just need a pick me up go see it... I know you won't be sorry.
So we have 2 passes left and I have 10 more days off. We will likely go to at least one more show but we can't decide on what. We are leaning towards Zodiac but who knows what we will see. Anyone have any rcommendations????
Spoiled Cat....
So we bought the cats a new toy the other day when we were at dollarama. Very simple string attached to a bouncy plastic piece that goes over a door handle. They both love it. Tonight we were laying in bed watching Miami Ink and Taz was playing away... then he stopped and started to meow. Jay got up to see what his problem was and the string was caught up ... well Jay untangles it then comes back to bed and Taz goes back to playing. We know our furbabies are spoiled but in that moment we realized just how well they have US trained lol!
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Cradle Robber.....
Jay got ID'd today.... guess the chick thought he had a real baby face and that would make me old enough to be his mother EWWWWWWWWWWWW . I know he looks young but come on... I don't think he looks under 18 lol
In other news not much is happening. My WCB is processed and I got my first cheque today... woo hoo just in time to pay bills. I did discover that while I do fine walking around the house I don't do so well outside. I don't know if its the pressure from my shoe or what but looks like I will have to get out more and get my foot into shape. I still have a couple weeks of... 16 days of captivity left lol so there is time to get it ready for work again.
We are on bfp watch... so far so good this month. Blood test on Monday! Keep your fingers, toes and everything else crossed for us!
OK..so my grammer sucks...lol
Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).
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Maybe those college English classes paid off after all...
Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).
Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Make a Quiz
Long days and sleepless nights...
2 am and here I sit once again. I have had crazy awake hours since I have been off. I know I am not burning nearly enough energy but I also know that I have wayyyy to much time to think and that is just never a good thing.
I have so many thoughts of growing up and so many not so great memories. I am talking to Jay, I am talking to Lynne, I am talking to Kathy... all in the hopes that I can keep the memories from becoming overwhelming again. I so badly wanted to start the counselling. I hate that I have to wait until into April but who knows maybe there is a higher power at work directing my course better than I can ever hope to understand.
I am also trying to focus on positives. As I said in another post I am doing all sorts of baby product reviews, I am allowing myself to dream and to look towards the future. But I am terrified at the same time. It was March 10th last year that we got the news that I was pg for the first time. I will know with in the next 6 days If I am pregnant now. So I am trying to dream and I am trying not to dwell and get stuck on the negative thoughts that want to come with the anniversary of my first miscarriage.... how can it be nearly a year already. I will never forget that baby but I am ready to move on.
Why are the memories forcing themselves on me? Why can't Peanut stay at rest? Why do I let it all torture me this way? I know no one can answer those questions. I know I have to deal with all this crap on my own knowing that those that love me are there to support me. I know one day I can find peace and joy in my memories again. I just want it now. I want my peaceful oblivion back. I don't want the heartache and pain that comes with remembering. Yet here I am with all those who have gone before me and sadly I know some will follow me. I just want it all to go away!
Randomness...
Several posts to follow... just trying to break up subject matter to make reading a little easier :) And yes we redid the blog again... part of my cure of boredom lol
The Toe...
Only 23 days of captivity left lol. I am going sooooo stir crazy at home... never thought that would happen. I got a call from WCB today and my claim has been accepted....BUT theres issues. Of course there is issues its us we are talking about and it always seems we end up with a complication. Apparently they have not recieved the paperwork from the hospital or from my boss and until that happens theya re stuck. The adjudicator said he was going to call them today and ensure it gets sent in. He also was VERY confused about how my hours and rates of pay work. I think he understood after a 10 minute conversation... then he siad oh sorry I'm new and don't really know how to do this stuff. Well OH GOODY! At least he is on top of it and I know that one day soon... hopefully before the bills are due on the 15th... we will have some money. Oh and the toe is doing a bit better. I can function in the house with out my cane so thats a bonus. I have quite a bit of walking to do tomorrow so we will see how it holds up.
Planning for parenting....
In my boredom I have been spending ridiculous amounts of time online. I am for the most part looking at baby stuff and trying to find reviews on the various items that we are looking at purchasing. If anyone knows a Canadian base review site please let me know because on the sites I have found the produsts arew largly not available here and the stuff we have isn't reviewed on them. I ha.ve also found some fun online shopping places. We have had nursery bedding picked forever and at sears I could get just the bedding... well I found a place that has every possible matching accessory right down to drawer pulls ( perfect since we are redoing furniture).
Also on the baby front I have been researching breast vs bottle feeding and circumcision. WOW the strong opinions. Its amazing how people are so black and white. I know what we are going to do and those decsions won't be swayed by what I am reading but I can sure see how it coulds totally confuse someone who wasn't sure. I was quite tempted to jump into a conversation about howtaking my metformin would be like taking illicet drugs while breast feeding. Unfrickin real when metformin aside from helping my diabetes actually encourages my hormone levels to be normailized... thus possibly beinbg the only way I could even produce breast milk. Yeah... like I said black and white and I am glad that Jay and I have been able to come to our decisons based on our own research/expereinces and talking to my dr's.And speaking of parenting. I see Dr.G for a check up tomorrow so lets hope in the next few daays we are getting some good news. I will be happy if just the clomid continued to work but I know you can all wel imagine how estatic we would be to get that BFP!
Doggie Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...
We are at a loss with what to do for Buster. Quite awhile ago I posted how scared he is when we make shake and bake chicken. Well that has expanded to us putting any form of chicken in the oven. Its gotten so much worse since the night we had to be evacuated. I know that snuggling him probably encourages the behavior but a the same time we can;t let him get to worked up becasue he could have a seizure... what a mess. If anyone has any ideas please share them... sometimes it helps to hear from some one on the outside looking in.
I will make you pet me.....
Note from Buster: please excuse my need for a haircut but mommy and daddy just had to share what a big suck I am.... no laptop is taking over my rightful place
Back alley adventures, soft porn and new Timmies addicts...
Yes those are the three phrases I would use to describe my day today.
Lets start with back alley adventures... I needed a ride to WCB so I could get my claim started. I gave Al a call and he was working but heading downtown so it was a perfect chance for him to pick me up. Well to go with Al in the middle of a work day means you stay with Al til there is a chance to actually get dropped off again. Now I have seen many sides of the courier world... I have actually even worked some of it but today was like nothing I have ever seen. It amazed me how many alleys and odd shortcuts there are in downtown Edmonton. I knew Al was great at his job but it gave me a whole different insight... it was also neat to watch all the team work and the sharing of packages and trips between the various drivers and how they gather on the streets and dark allies to make their exchanges.
So after my adventures with Al I arrive home. Jay helps me get the laptop all set up so I could sit on the couch and play online while propping my foot. I am happily chatting away and I hear him exclaim " What the hell that is NOT Pac man". Lol he had gone to his Linux haven site and the link that was once a pac man game was now showing a woman stripping. He promptly got to work to get it off while I proceeded to laugh my ass off. It really tickled my funny bone. Good thing I am not one of those wives who freaks out about her husband looking at that sort of thing lol :D Jay says its not soft porn... I say any woman stripping for camera is lol.... but regardless its gone now and we can have a chuckle down the road thinking about it!
Well the evening progressed and I continued to laze on the couch. Jay makes a run to Esso and being the dear hubby he is brings me back Timmies. I was nearly done my coffee... it was getting on the cold side and the dogs were sniffing around so I thought fine I will show them and they will leave me be. Well I'll be damned if Buster didn't decide to try some and of course once he did Teddi had to to... and that little taste wasn't enough. They bugged to no result til I got rid of my cup lol. So now I not only have a chocolate eating cat... but coffee drinking dogs lol what a crazy group of animals.
On other fronts I have to cancel my counselling appointment for Tuesday which sucks... but right now I just can't give up 80 bucks when I am gonna be home for a month. And I will be HOME.... I spoke to my boss today and she prefers to not have me do anywork and to heal 100%. To quote her, she said" rest that foot and make babies" :).... shes awesome and once again I am reminded about how thankful I am to have found the company.... but man will I miss my boys and I am quite sure after a few days I am gonna go stir crazy! Jay did go buy my cane for me today and thats made a huge difference in walking around the apartment though I don't know quite how far I will adventure for a few days at least.
