What we did today....

As my previous post said today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Rememberence Day. Jay and I lit candle last year but this year we decided to go a little further. We bought some balloons, headed down to the river and released them. We then wrote a message in the sand and watched as the balloons drifted away. This evening at 7pm we lit our candles as part of the wave of light... this year we lit 3 candles for our angels, one for all the angels known to us and one for all the the angels that are unknown to us but should be remembered. Its been a good day and I feel really peaceful... more peaceful than I have in a very long time.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day....

Just Those Few Weeks
by Susan Erling

For those few weeks

I had you to myself.

And that seems to short a time

to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks

I came to know you...and to love you.

You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks

when I lost you,

I lost a lifetime of hopes,

plans,dreams, and aspirations

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks

It wasn't enough time to convince others

how special and important you were.

How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks

and no "normal" person

would cry all night over a tiny, unfinished baby,

or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.

No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks,

my little one.

You darted in and out of my life too quickly

but it seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life so much richer

and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

Made the call I have been avoiding since July.......

and I see Dr.G on the 25th. I feel just ill. I don't want to go but I have to go. I don't want to face it if the tests prove that I will never carry a baby but I have to know and I have to face it. How will I deal with never being able to carry my own baby? How can I take that dream away from Jay?

My counseller has been pushing me to make the appointment. She truly believes I need to move forward with the recurrent loss testing to be able to move forward. She believes its for the best to do the testing. I am choosing to place my trust in her because right now I can't beleive it for myself. I know it can be a simple fix, I know we may get no answers at all, I know we may never be able to do this.

How do I go on if there is no answers? How do I move forward and get pg again and not know why I have failed three other babies? How do I open my heart again?

How do I do it period? What if its a simple fix? What if the fix doesn't work? How will I handle another miscarriage? How many times do we try before our hearts will break to the point of never healing?

How do I move ahead if I am told no babies for me? Yes there are other ways I know that... but its not my dream. I have felt the early presence of a life within me. I have felt the overwhelming love of just a few weeks. I want to feel a life completely grow with in me, I want to hold a new being as they take their first breath and cry and know I am the one who can comfort that cry.

How do I do it? I don't know. I really and truly don't know. I see him on the 25th and we move ahead. I made the appt because I have no refills for my metformin used to treat the PCOS... I had no choice... I had to make the appt. I haven't had a period since my miscarriage... for my health I had to make the appt. I have to have answers whether I am ready to hear them or not... for that I had to make the appt.

No more living in denial...

Steak + Turkey = MMM MMM Good Thanksgiving dinner....

Yesterday we headed over to Al's for the day. What a wonderful day! Great weather and realaxation, time with family and friends (including Buster ;D ) and topped off with a fantastic dinner and a fire... who could ask for more :) Al made all the traditional thanksgiving foods and then tossed in steak and grilled peppers... YUMMY! Dessert was enjoyed later by the fire and was pumpkin pie with ice cream, whipped cream and a drizzle of coffee sauce... sooooo delicious! All in all it was a fantastic day.Buster loved being hooked to the clothesline and running the yard all day though he is one sleepy old boy today lol. Jay managed to get a few pictures but we got none of him cause he had the camera all day lol

LOL sticking his tongue out at me

Happy Thanksgiving......

I am thankful for Jay and his never ending love and support

I am thankful for my amazing family and the gift of unconditional love

I am thankful for my great nieces and nephews and the joy I feel in my heart when I see them smile

I am thankful for my angel babies while not with me their brief presence in my life has taught me so much

I am thankful for my friends both in real life and online

I am thankful for a job that I love to go to everyday

I am thankful for Edmonton Mental Health and my counseller who are helping me find the light at the end of the tunnel

I am thankful to have a roof over my head and food in my cupboards

I am thankful for my health and the health of all those around me

I am thankful for my furbabies ;)

A project for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.....

I really felt the need to do something to mark this month and this is what I came with

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com