Made the call I have been avoiding since July.......

and I see Dr.G on the 25th. I feel just ill. I don't want to go but I have to go. I don't want to face it if the tests prove that I will never carry a baby but I have to know and I have to face it. How will I deal with never being able to carry my own baby? How can I take that dream away from Jay?

My counseller has been pushing me to make the appointment. She truly believes I need to move forward with the recurrent loss testing to be able to move forward. She believes its for the best to do the testing. I am choosing to place my trust in her because right now I can't beleive it for myself. I know it can be a simple fix, I know we may get no answers at all, I know we may never be able to do this.

How do I go on if there is no answers? How do I move forward and get pg again and not know why I have failed three other babies? How do I open my heart again?

How do I do it period? What if its a simple fix? What if the fix doesn't work? How will I handle another miscarriage? How many times do we try before our hearts will break to the point of never healing?

How do I move ahead if I am told no babies for me? Yes there are other ways I know that... but its not my dream. I have felt the early presence of a life within me. I have felt the overwhelming love of just a few weeks. I want to feel a life completely grow with in me, I want to hold a new being as they take their first breath and cry and know I am the one who can comfort that cry.

How do I do it? I don't know. I really and truly don't know. I see him on the 25th and we move ahead. I made the appt because I have no refills for my metformin used to treat the PCOS... I had no choice... I had to make the appt. I haven't had a period since my miscarriage... for my health I had to make the appt. I have to have answers whether I am ready to hear them or not... for that I had to make the appt.

No more living in denial...