Working towards healing our hearts....

The reality of losing Peanut is sinking in more and more. I can not believe the overwhelming emotions I am feeling.... never in my life have I felt this way. Through the day yesterday we did pretty good. We talked lots, cried often and worked together on Peanuts Blog. It did us both so much good. Last night though was a different story. We crawled into bed and before I knew it I was in near hysterics crying and sobbing. I was so overwhelmed with everything and poor Jay could just hold me and let me work it through. I feel so guilty thinking I did something horribly wrong, I feel like I betrayed my husband and stole his child from him, I keep second guessing my decision for the D&C and hate myself for not asking for a second opinion just incase. I don't know how to move past all these feelings, I don't know how to forgive myself. Plain and simple I want my baby back and I know that will never happen. I know in time we will be trying again and we will become the parents we always wanted to be but I want it now, I want my Peanut, I want the baby that we tried so hard for and would have been so loved. Its so unfair with the people who have children they abuse and torture and yet people like us who would provide a loving and safe home have their child stolen away before he or she ever had a chance.

I had a long talk with the spiritual care people at the hospital and they are sending me out lots of information because apparently all these things I am feeling are normal. They have also offered counselling if I need it... or Jay too. I am going to try to work through all of this on my own with the support of my husband and family but if it becomes to overwhemling then I will turn to them. I talked to a friend who lost her babies in December and she recommended a book called " I'll Hold You In Heaven". It is designed to help women who have lost a child through misscarriage, preterm birth or early childhood. We went to Chapters today and ordered it for me along with the Journal to help me work through some of these feelings.

We also did some " healing" shopping. We bought matching neckalces that we designed for Peanut. For now we will wear them all the time and in time we will I am sure be ready to take them off. We also purchased a Precious Moments called " Safe in the Arms of Jesus". I think though the hardest purchase was a little tiny pair of shoes that we had planned to buy Peanut when he/she arrived. We went ahead and bought them today and will one day put them away but for now they will be right where we can see them. Yesterday I ordered a special made baby bracelet from a lady online. She makes them for babies who have beeen lost and also send a memorial book and when that arrives it will be added to our little collection of Peanuts things. I also completed the preganany journal that I had started for Peanut and put it away for now. Jay and I talked and we are going to look at shadow boxes and get on that we can place everything in.

Overall its been a very tough few days. I know as each day passes it will get easier but I also know I will never forget my first child.

Heres a few pictures of the stuff we bought today: