I have no clue what to title this....

mainly because my head is full of random thoughts and feelings.

We are moving. The packing has begun. The house is in chaos. I am trying to leave some of the past behind.

In leaving some of the past behind I am struggling; yet feeling free. Mostly it was time for me to get rid of the various stuff I still had of moms. Kathy is taking a couple things. I am keeping a couple things... that will be put safely away. And some of it is just gone. For damn near 13 years I have been hauling around a flower from her funeral... it is GONE. I couldn't do it. I asked Jay to when I wasn't around. But it was soooooooo freeing to not see it when I walked into the living room. I can't even begin to explain it.

I spent this afternoon going through my hope chest. We reorganized some things to make it easier for the next place. I downsized :) I sat and spent nearly 2 hours going through cards that I have kept. Many laughs, smiles and tears came in that time. Many cards I let go... but a selection just had to stay.

I look at the cards mom gave me and it rips me apart wondering how she could write me such loving words and then do some of the awful things she did. I can't comprehend it I just can't. I look at her writing and think how unfair it is that she is not here and that all I have left of her is bits of ink on paper. I have ONE card from my dad... the only thing with his writing. I do have his all time favorite book and will always cherish that.... even in its beat up condition from being stuck in his back pocket. It is just so damn unfair that because of the choices they made I am stuck with little random pieces of paper to represent them instead of having them here with me.

At the same time the cards brought me lots of smiles. It was great looking at the cards I have gotten from Dan, Katy, Shawna, Scott and Dustin. It was so cool watching them grow up from birthday card to birthday card. Many of them touched me, many made me laugh. Katy... one from you made me chuckle the most. I don't even remember what year it was from but it was when you were in the stage of not likeing "mooshy or corney cards" so you bought a blank one. You said I looked at cards they were all too stupid too moosey or too corney so you are getting a blank one. And of course you signed it with love ;)

Then there were the birthday cards from Lynne and Kathy.... love all of them too and it was neat seeing me grow up through their eyes while reading from year to year :) Lynne... you gave me one that said" We owe so much to mom and dad.... think we can sue them" I laughed right outloud as I am sure I did when I first opened it.

Then came the everyday cards.... the just because cards. They were some of the most touching I think. Ones that gave me strength in the tough times. Ones that reminded me that I am loved by my family even when I was feeling so alone.

The next task was all the various things I have be given or purchased through my miscarriages. All of that stuff is now packed away in a box all its own. It will in time be unpacked and placed in somekind of chest that will be put away... but for now the memories are closed up together. It was so hard to do and yet it felt right to do at this point in time. We had gathered a few things up for when we finally had a baby and that has been packed up to give away as well. I don't know why I decided to do all this now.... especially when for many things I am having a hell of a time knowing that our third angel was due this past week. Who knows maybe that is why. The time may come... it may not. I guess I just needed to no longer torture myself with objects designed to care for a baby I don't know I will ever have.

In the sorting I came across a collection of poems I had saved from my teen magazines. many were about crushes and first loves... typical teen stuff. Some really speak to how crappy I obviously felt as a teen. I got rid of most of them... but kept many that still grabbed me today. I kept one out to share.... it feels like life right now.

COURAGE

Whenever my heart is sinking low,

My smile must never let it show.

Whenever the skies are dull and grey,

My laugh must be cheerful anyway.

Whenever I think I'll lose all hope,

I must learn to live and cope

With everyday problems that may arise

That try to hide my smile

Or dim my eyes

For each new days invites me to try

To find the courage needed to live by.

Written by Amy Clarke

I look at those words and think what a sad thing to have been attracted to as a kid. Why should I have had to try and cope? How is it fair I had to hide feelings? The words mean a lot to me now but in a different light. There are days that want to bring me down... but I fight through them knowing that my future is so much brighter than the past I am leaving behind.

well I must sleep for work so I am going to sign off from my rambling ;) Sorry for the novel... it was just better to get it out then let it fester.