Was it a sign?????

The reality of losing my second baby finally hit me full upside the head last night. All throughout the day yesterday I was feeling rather unstable. I kept trying to push it away. I stayed busy playing on the computer, reading, napping, watching tv/movies... anything to not think. By 2am I was feeling exhusted and finally gave up and tried to go to bed.

And then it hit. The tears, the overwhelming pain, the emptiness, the feelings of horrid betrayl to my husband and my precious babies. I cried so hard and Jay being the amazing man he is was just there for me. He let me cry it out and encouraged me to do so. I know it had to come but I guess I just didn't want to accept the reality that once again I have failed to provide life to one of my babies. I laid there wondering what was wrong with me. Why can't I do this? What am I doing so wrong? I would make such a good mommy and I know Jay is going to be an amazing daddy and once again it is my fault that his dream has been ripped away from him. What is wrong with my body that it can't sustain a new life? Its just not fair!

So as my tears were finally coming to pass after an hour of sobbing... I heard the rain. And it was POURING. It made me think of a song by Steve Wariner called Holes in the Floor of Heaven. The chorus says...

...'Cause there's holes in the floor of Heaven

and her tears are pourin' down

that's how you know she's watchin'

wishin' she could be here now

And sometimes if you're lonely

just remember she can see

there's holes in the floor of Heaven

and she's watchin' over you and me...

I turned to Jay and asked him if he knew of the song... he didn't so I played the whole thing for him today and he agreed it was like a sign. I wondered if it was a sign from our parents sharing our grief with us? Was it a sign from our babies that they are up there and okay? It gave me a little comfort thinking that I was getting a message from someone up there and I was able to drift off to sleep... listening to that wonderful rain.

In the past days I have done lots of searching for music and have found a few knew ones that have really touched me. One I came across is called God Only Cries by Diamond Rio.. again it seemed to speak to me. The chorus is....

...God only cries for the living'

Cause it's the living that are left to carry on

An' all the angels up in Heaven

They're not grieving because they're gone

There's a smile on their faces

'Cause they're in a better place

than, mmm, baby, than,

oh God only cries for the living

'Cause it's the living that are so far from home...

I am trying to let that one guide me to not be so sad. When I lost Peanut I went through grief all over again for my parents and I find its happening again. I love my brothers and sisters and family to death... but I want my Mom....I want my Dad. I want to feel their arms around me... I want the comfort that only a parent can give. I know they are in heaven resting peacefully and I am grateful that they are free from the pain of this earth... but I still doesn't change the fact that I miss my parents always and at times even though its been 21 years for dad and 11 for mom the pain can be as fresh as the days we said goodbye.

I thought I was handling losing Trouble better than when I lost Peanut and I supposed in some ways I am and in others its worse. I know I ned to give it time... but right now I feel like this emptiness in me will never go away... only now its times two. Two precious babies that have become angels becasue I failed to give them life. Two precious babies who will never take a breath on this earth because I am a failure as a woman. Two precious babies who I will never forget.