Trouble didn't make it...

I am just numb right now

4am I woke up with this awful pressure in my belly. I got up and wandered the house a little bit and tried to keep my nerves calm. At 530 I had a horrible wave of cramps and felt like I was passing something... when I went to the bathroom I had passed a fairly large clot and was bleeding quite a bit. I woke Jay up and we headed back to the er. I had the same dr as whem I lost Peanut and she was so wonderful. She examined me and said I am so sorry... my cervix was fully open and I had tissue pushing through. She contacted the ob/gyn oncall and they decided to do a d&c asap. I was in OR before 10 amd was just released from the hospital about a half hour ago.

I don't even know how to begin to describe how I am feeling. I hate myself so much and have wracked my brain for everything little thing I have done wrong... drinking too much coffee before I knew I was PG, forgot my synthroid a couple times, forgot my folic acid and vitamins a few times. I could go on and on all I can think is what kind of horrible mother am I that I can't even protect a baby long enough for it to take a breath on this earth. I jsut want to curl up and in a ball and die along with my babies. I just don't understand and I don't think I ever will