Time Flies....

And I suppose that can be a good thing. Its hard to believe that its been just over two weeks since we said goodbye to Peanut. I am doing so much better overall and have been able to let go of the feelings of guilt and betrayl. I think talking to the chaplin last week and then talking to my family Dr made so much difference. My Dr told me that as hard as it was to lose Peanut I had to realize I did everything right and that I should be proud of myself. The logical side of me already knew that but it did my heart so much good to hear those words from him. I have written couple more poems and just wrote a letter to Peanut and will probably continue to do those things for awhile. I still have my journal to work through and will do that when the time feels right. I have gone back to work and thats helped to... its good to have a routine again though I do not regret one moment of my time off. I needed to give my heart and my body time to heal. I have my follow up /precare appointment with the OB/GYN that did my D&C set for May 9th. I am looking forward to it and it will be interesting to see if there was a reason why we lost Peanut so we can fix it and if there is no reason thats okay but it will be good to know either way. Jay and I have spent many hours talking and thinking about what we wanted to do and we decided to try and concieve again right away. As hard as it was to lose Peanut we can't dwell on it forever and lets face it I am getting up there in years lol. We also looked at the reality that it took us a year to concieve Peanut and while it may take that long again we are sure hoping its quicker this time

On my Fertility board one of the leaders set up a challenge for us to walk and drink water. Its been so much fun and motivation participating with everyone. I set my goal for 30 miles for the month because I walk close to three miles each day I work... so I figured I didn't want to over do it. Well I didn't take into account that I was going to be off, that a simple trip with West Ed equals 3 miles,that walking would be so theraputic for my mind as I dealt with losing Peanut and that simply the weather is great and I want to be outside walking more. Well I have already done 24 miles since April 1 ... looks like I am going to meet and beat my goal lol. I think I am gonna have to modify it since we have more than two weeks left for the month. Thanks Lindsy for motivating us all :) You Rock!!!

We also get some great news on the diabetes front yesterday :) When I was diagnoised with the diabetes my A1c level was 11.3% ( the A1c gives an average of how much blood sugar you have over 3 months). My specialist set my goal at 6.5% because we were going to trying to have a baby ( typically anything under 7% is good). Well my latest results are 6.9% WOO HOO me. I was so happy. I was aiming for 8% so I was thrilled to death and my Dr is very happy with me. He thinks the last little bit will come when we find a good level of insulin to control my fasting sugars overnight. Overall I am doing really good. If for not wanting a baby I would be within perfect ranges.... but since I do, the fasts have to still come down some. I am doing good enough that I don't have to see him for three months unless I get PG again then I have to make an immeadiate appointment so he can monitor me.

So time is moving on. I still miss the baby I never got to know but I know that will get even easier as more days pass us. I am looking forward to trying again and feeling that joy all over again and hopefully this time now that everything is totally under control and all my Drs are right there and will monitor me right from the get go all will work out for the best... and for some reason its not meant to be well we will get through it but we won't know unless we try :)