BLEH........

That about sums up how I am feeling today lol. We have had a few days of mixed emotions and today we got an answer we have been waiting for.

About a week adn a half ago now my blood sugars started going a little wonky. Not bad by any means but not as controlled as they have been. Well the last time that happened I was PG with Peanut... we thought nah but then it was a possibiblity. I got ahold of the diabetes center and they agreed that it might be wise to get a PG test done. UGH! We tried to not think about it but how can we not. Off to the Dr and he too agreed and so I got poked. Well today we found out it was negative and I just don't know how to feel.

Do I want another baby... more than anything in this world. Am I ready to be PG again... I think more than ready. Am I sad I am not PG... yes and no. Part of me wanted it so bad but then part of me was terrified and I don't think that feeling will ever go away. I know when its meant to happen again it will and I hope that time come sooner rather than later. I think no I know part of me was feeling guilty about the possibility of being PG when its jsut 4 weeks since we lost Peanut... the need to move on and try again still feels like a betrayal to the baby I wanted to badly and will forever love and remember. Sigh... what a mixed up mess my poor brain and heart are in.