Even though people told me....

I never thought my heart would begin to heal. In many way the events of last Wednesday are still fresh deep wounds and yet in other ways I am beginning to find my smile again and can actually see the bright side of the sun again. It has been a lot of work and many days the feelings are still so overwhelming I can't handle it.

I did go back to the hospital to talk to the spiritual care chaplin and I felt so much better after I did. Through talking to her I started to find the irrationality to many of my thoughts on my own. She also explained that all of the thoughts I am having including feeling like I have betrayed my marriage are totally normal. She gave us lots on information for support groups and we are going to try them out. Earlier that same day we recieved the memorial bracelet that we had made for Peanut arrived. It is so tiny and so fitting. It actually ironically matches the necklaces that Jay and I had made for ourselves... guess thats a sign from above that Peanut is okay and in spirit still with us.

Yesterday I was back to my family DR. We had to get my hCG levels tested to make sure my hormones were going back to normal. It was hell waiting to go for that blood test. It was I was sitting waiting for the final confirmation that my baby was really gone. While I was waiting there was a young mom with a baby there and she was babbling about how she is gonna have another baby and I just wanted her to shut up... but thats hardly fair becasue she certainly didn't have a clue about the pain that I am going through. We heard back from the DR today and my numbers are well on the way down and one one hand I was happy but on the other I was sad. Its good to know in time my body will be ready for another baby but I still long for the baby I already had and would give anything to have back.

I am still struggling to understand why this happened. Why can so many unfit people have babies yet I couldn't??? Its just so unfair and the answer is one I will probably never get. There was someone on my fertility board that had similar spotting to mine and yet her baby is just fine. I cried when I read that post and again asked what did I do??? I am so happy her baby is okay and yet I couldn't bring myself to post back to her. I am finding a battle within myself between being happy for others and bitter towards them... and God how I hate those feelings. I am sure in time they will level out as well but like everything else its goning to take time.

I am also struggling with trying again. I so desperatly want to try and yet I feel like I am betraying Peanuts memory because its so soon to be wanting to try again. I still need the okay from the DR's before we try so there is still a few weeks I am sure and maybe those feelings of betrayl will lessen by then. I guess thats another thing the support groups will be good for.

I hope the day will come that I can just enjoy the memory of the time I had Peanut with me and the feelings of hurt and my betrayl to both Jay and Peanut go way. I hope the day comes that I will be able to forgive myself. Until then I will continue to try and heal and lean on my amazing husband and those close to me for the support I need.