Who came up with the idea that kids should go door to door and ask for candy???? And why aren't adults included in that??? I WANT CHOCOLATE lol! There is nothing quite like a little halloween chocolate bar... guess we have to go buy our own dang it lol

Dear Mom,

Here we are at yet another of your birthdays. These last few weeks you have nearly endlessly been on my mind. I have so many questions and I miss you so much.

It has really been frustrating me that you are not here. It makes me downright mad that you aren't here to meet your beautiful great-granddaughters and that you will not meet the newest great grandbaby that is due right away. It makes me mad that you were not here for me when Jay and I lost our first two babies. Yes I have the rest of the family but its not YOU... my mom the one I should be going to for comfort and support. It makes me mad that you won;t be here when I do finally have a baby. It is not right that my child and all of your great grandchildren will only know you through our memories and stories of you. It makes me mad that you aren't here to see how successful my life is turning out to be. It makes me mad that you weren't here to meet my husband and to be a part of our lives.

I wonder why you made the choices you did. I wonder why you didn't take better care of yourself... especially when you first started to get sick. So many things may have turned around and you maybe could still be with us. I really wonder why you made many of the choices you did when we were all growing up. Many of them just simply were not ok and I wish you could be here to explain it to me so I could try to understand.

I miss you mom and I don't think that will ever change. And even though right now I am mad as hell at you I really do love you. I may not ever understand the choices you made but I would like to believe that you did the best with the skills that you had. I have many happy memories to and they are what are carrying me through. I hope you are resting peacefully and I look forward to seeing you in heaven one day. Until then I will try to move forward and understand all of the questions I have that will never be answered.

Happy Birthday Mom... I do love you,

Kerri

Parenting 101...

So as anyone who knows me knows... I am a people watcher. Always have been always will be lol. I get my fill on a regular basis on the bus some times its happy, sometimes sad, sometimes just plain funny as hell. These days though I find myself really drawn to watching how parents are acting and interacting with their kids. This past week I saw a daddy that warmed my heart and a mom that I wanted to string up by her nails.

The dad was a young guy... I would say at the very most 18... and that would be pushing it. He was alone with his little girl who I would guess to be about a year old. It was quite apparent that she wasn't feeling good and he was trying so hard to keep her happy. Initially there were no seats availble for him so he was just chatting with her and when he was finally able to sit down he picked her up and she snuggled right in for kisses and a back rub... it was very touching... you could see the love in his touch and how much she adored her daddy.

Not to long later I am sitting on the LRT and a young mom amd her baby got on with a few friends. They were laughing and joking about the mom going to court and all the warrents she had for her arrest currently. She was laughing about going to JAIL and how she would get to see the babies daddy and how damn she wouldn't be able to leave Canada ever because of her long criminal record and that no more baby jail for her now. I was just sick. I was sitting looking at this precious little baby maybe all of 3-4 months old and thinking what a life she's been brought into. It makes me so stinking mad.... furious even. It makes me insane that people act irresponsibly when they have children. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes but there is a time to grow the frick up and become the adult your children need.

I guess part of my issue watching that mom is thinking of my own childhood. My parents made bad choices that will impact all of us always... its what we do with that impact that matters. I have thought lots this last week about what life would be like now if things were different growing up. Would we all be the adults we are today or would our lives be greatly different? Would we have all made the same choices? Would I change my life now... no way. Would I change my childhood sure... for some things but not all of it becasue though there was bad there is also lots of good. But then the reality is through the bad we did become who we are... so I don't know I would want to change things... it really is a fine line.

On the same token I know that young mom bugged the hell out of me because of all we are going through to become parents. We have a stable home and marriage. We have a love filled awesome extended family that would be actively involved in our baby's life. We WANT a baby more than anything... and yet we struggle. We have sent two babies to heaven, I am starting a fertility drug in the hopes that the next time we have a baby at the end of a pregancy instead of another angel. We are doing everything in our power to do this parenting thing right. Then you go down to skid row and see babies being neglected as their parents do drugs, you see people laughing about going to jail, you hear horrors of abuse on the evening news. How is that OK?? Why is it so damn hard for some people to become parents? We aren't the only ones, hell there are many who have it even harder than us. Its just not fair!

Getting rid of the crazies...

or at least I am hoping to. I think the meds are really starting to kick in now and that sure is making a difference in my whole thought process... but at the same time I am having so many different thoughts surfacing.

I talked to Lynne last night for nearly two hours trying to sort out memories of the various homes we lived in growing up. Some I have right, some I have mixed up, some I don't remember at all. It really bugs the crap out of me to say the least... but hey I am sure it will come in time our with counselling... at least I can hope it will.

More and more I am coming to realize how much... way too much... of my childhood and the childhoods of all my siblings was simply NOT OK. I love my parents... that will never change but boy did they make some seriously bad decisons... but out of respect for them and my family I will not discuss them in detail. I am so thankful for Lynne at this point. I know I am going to need professional help to get through this... but her support is going to be instumental I am sure.

Its The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown....

was on TV tonight. Jay and I tuned in and had a good chuckle... amazing how things from childhood can do that for you :)

We have had a pretty quiet day...mostly playing games. A little rummy, a little Yahtzee and then many hands of Three-Thirteen a new game we found online today. It was a total hoot and a challenge and we can totally see how much fun we can have with the whole family if we play when we get together :) We are really finding that we are enjoying passing the time with games but really need to expand what we have... so with Christmas coming ( hint hint) we are hoping that ( hint hint) we might have some new ones to play ( hint hint) in the new year :P

Operation Clomid here we come.....

Yet another update to our TTC journey. We had an appointment this morning with Dr.G because I have yet to have a period and its been 8 weeks since we lost Trouble.( Dr.G had told me to come back so we could induce a period if I hadn't had one on my one in 8 weeks) I have to go for a pg test on Sunday( I am 99.9% sure its going to be negative since I just had a negative test on the 10th) then after getting the results Monday I start a drug called Prometrium for 7 days then we wait til my period starts and for cycle days 3-7 I take Clomid which is a common fertility medication for woman with PCOS. And then let the praying begin.

I hope beyond all hopes this does the trick. I am not to worried about geting PG right away because it can take 3-5 months with using Clomid and it has a succees rate of 85-99% ... its whether our next little one will stick around to join us here on earth. Over all we are feeling very positive about the process though Jay might not think so when I get the hormonal side effects that are supposed to come with taking the drug... oh and then there is the 20% chance of twins ... but we just won't think about that lol.

No matter how we look at it we are on the road toward becoming parents again... how sweet would it be if we got that BFP for Christmas :)

Ramblings...

So a few of you know I applied for a new position at my job... well I got it. Effective Nov.1/06 I will be a Team Leader at the residence I work at. I am looking forward to the change and looking even more forward to the nearly 2 bucks an hour more I will be making lol. For now there will be now change to my hours. We are going to try a month of me doing things with in the capacity of the hours I work now and switch things as I need them and then decide down the road what my permanent hours will be.

Ummm whatelse... well I started my meds. Not a huge change yet but then its been less than a week. I am starting to feel a little better and am having less negative thoughts... so I guess thats a good sign. What has changed dramatically with them is my blood sugars. One of the side effectys listed was low blood sugar and they weren't kidding. Its been an adventure to say the least and I will have to readjust all my insulin levels... but thats minor if theses meds make me feel human again.

Jay and I have been doing lots of talking and I am still up in the air about seeking counselling though I am leaning towards it. I shocked myself today when I said to him I am mad at my dad. And I will say it again I am MAD at my dad. I am mad at the choices he made that stole him from me at such a young age, I am mad that he picked alcohol over his family, I am mad that he chose to live on skid row instead of with us... I am just plain mad. Do you know he died when I was 15 years old and I have never actually said that I was mad at him. Its hard to judge another person unless you actually live in their shoes but damn it he had a famliy that loved him and he chose the damn bottle and it was the bottle that killed him. I am MAD but I still LOVE him and miss him terribly. I think of him often, I long to know what he would think of my life. Its just so damn hard.

Do you know I am MAD at my mom to. She was sick for a long time. She made choices to shorten rather than prolong her life, she made choices young that impacted her life later on. She should be here enjoying her children, granchildren and great-grandchildren...not laying in the ground in a cemetary. Again I am MAD at her but I LOVE and miss her terribly. Especially now when somedays there is nothing that would feel better that a good old mom hug... but instead I get to look at her picture and wonder why?????

When I lost Peanut I decided to talk to a chaplin at the hospital. After talking for a bit she asked me if I had left over issues with losing my parents...I quickly siad no becasue its been so long. As time has gone on I am thinking ya know maybe I do. I had a good long talk with Lynne the other night and she can see where the issues could come from to.

So yeah maybe it is time to talk to some one, maybe its time to actually grieve properly for my parents. To let the anger out to let the feelings flow in a way that I can come to understand and accept them. To come to reaccept the fact that they are gone when I am at a point in my life where I feel I need them the most.

Wow... didn't quite intend this post to become such a rant but ya know what I feel better letting it out :)

Well off to finish supper after purging feelings that have been bottled up for a while. Until next time lol...

Time to come clean....

So for the last long while things have not reallay been all that good with me. Off and on over the years have have little dips into depression but have been able to pull myself out pretty well on my own.

After we lost Peanut in March I began a slow desent... and have been going lower and lower. I knew in my heart of hearts the things I was feeling and thinking just was not normal but I pushed it away. I felt like I was seeing a little light come July and then in August I was faced with losing another baby and that light just disappeared.

I have worked hard at hiding my feelings from everyone. Though many saw right through it. And well Jay bless his heart got to live with a jekell and hyde wife over the last few weeks... each day feeling worse than the one before.

I kept trying to rationalize how I was feeling... I was tired cause I am working too much, I am sad cause my due date is approaching, I am not spending time with the family casue I have to work..... yeah right. The fact is that depression had me in its gripes... and I felt truly like I was losing my mind. It simply is not normal to be sitting on the LRT crying... then seconds later be able to laugh at a text message from my husband.

On Tuesday I finally decided to have a chat with my family Dr. He as always was awesome and so very easy to talk to. And wow when he started asking questions I realized just how bad things had really gotten. We decided I should try taking meds and he put me on Celexa . I have to see him every few weeks for the next little bit so he can moniter how I am doing. He ran a few quick blood tests to rule out a physical casue and all came back normal as we suspected. So Friday I pick up the new med and we go from there... hopefully there will be a quick improvement and I can gradually come off the medications again

The decsion now is do I or don't I seek out counselling. Here are many pros of course and really other than talking about potentially icky stuff I can't find a con. It will be a matter of getting myself to a place where I am ready to talk to a stranger and then finding someone who I am comfortable with adn who can deal with all the various issues I have going on... oh how I pity them once the dam breaks.

Other than that life is life. I am looking forward to feeling better... hopefully soon. I have an appointment for my OB next week for further PG planning since my body still has not returned to normal functioning since my last d&C. Hopefully that goes well andI walk away with some positive answers.

Happy Turkey Day....

Hope everyone had an awesome Thanksgiving weekend. We have had a pretty quiet one... I worked of course lol. Yesterday we hit the trails for a nice long fall walk. We actually went on a trail that was new to us.... the last time we were in that particualr area the trail was closed for repairs. It was a really pretty area and in behind the Whitemud Equine center so we also got to stop and watch the horse and pet a few too. Today was quiet and lazy. Made shake and bake , taters adn stuffing and thanks to my awesome supervisor at work we enjoyed a little pumpkin pie for dessert :) It was odd not having a huge dinner with the whole family... I really missed it but I am very thankful that I did get to spend the time with my hubby :)

As always when we were out walking we snapped some pictures. The one of the river valley is pretty... but sure doesn't do all the colors real justice.

Its A New Blogging Year...
Yup we have been sharing our lives with all of you for a year... wow that time went fast. We decided in honor of starting another year of sharing we would give our blog a fresh new look :) We found the song that is playing by fluke... I am a huge Reba fan and yet had never heard it before but hey it sure is our lives and well I think that of many married couples.

We have shared many ups and downs and just as many monents of tears and laughter over this past year. I am looking forward to the future as Jay and I continue to build our lives and hopefully our family and the new adventures it will bring our way and you can bet we will be here sharing them with you :)

Thanks for being faithful readers of our simple little blog.

Happy Anniversary to us....
Wow has it really been a year already. It seems like just yesterday we were busy with frantic preparations for our wedding. We have had many ups and downs this year but we both really believe that our relationship is stronger than ever.

We didn't do anything overly exciting today... got to love life on a budget but we did take the time to focus on each other and just enjoy our day. We went to see The Guardian... I would highly recommend it to everyone. I was in the mood for a chick flick to which Jay turned up his nose lol but we had both wanted to see The Guardian so off we went... there was a little love story and enough of a story line to make me cry and enough action to satisfy Jay... a perfect date night movie :P After the movie we had an incredibly "romantic" dinner at McDonalds lmao.... who says romance has to cost bucks!

The real celebration was once we were home. We pulled out our Unity Candle from the wedding and re-lit it... as we will on every anniversary. It was very touching to be able to relive a little piece of our wedding

After we re-lit our candles we settled in with our wedding glasses; shared a toast with a glass wine then totally enjoyed a slice of anniversary cake

Now we are heading into a evening of cuddling... sigh its so nice to have an extra evening off work :) So it wasn't the fanciest day, it wasn't overly romantic.. but for our simple lives it was a perfect anniversary filled with love and dreams of what adventures our second year of marriage will bring us :)