Time to come clean....

So for the last long while things have not reallay been all that good with me. Off and on over the years have have little dips into depression but have been able to pull myself out pretty well on my own.

After we lost Peanut in March I began a slow desent... and have been going lower and lower. I knew in my heart of hearts the things I was feeling and thinking just was not normal but I pushed it away. I felt like I was seeing a little light come July and then in August I was faced with losing another baby and that light just disappeared.

I have worked hard at hiding my feelings from everyone. Though many saw right through it. And well Jay bless his heart got to live with a jekell and hyde wife over the last few weeks... each day feeling worse than the one before.

I kept trying to rationalize how I was feeling... I was tired cause I am working too much, I am sad cause my due date is approaching, I am not spending time with the family casue I have to work..... yeah right. The fact is that depression had me in its gripes... and I felt truly like I was losing my mind. It simply is not normal to be sitting on the LRT crying... then seconds later be able to laugh at a text message from my husband.

On Tuesday I finally decided to have a chat with my family Dr. He as always was awesome and so very easy to talk to. And wow when he started asking questions I realized just how bad things had really gotten. We decided I should try taking meds and he put me on Celexa . I have to see him every few weeks for the next little bit so he can moniter how I am doing. He ran a few quick blood tests to rule out a physical casue and all came back normal as we suspected. So Friday I pick up the new med and we go from there... hopefully there will be a quick improvement and I can gradually come off the medications again

The decsion now is do I or don't I seek out counselling. Here are many pros of course and really other than talking about potentially icky stuff I can't find a con. It will be a matter of getting myself to a place where I am ready to talk to a stranger and then finding someone who I am comfortable with adn who can deal with all the various issues I have going on... oh how I pity them once the dam breaks.

Other than that life is life. I am looking forward to feeling better... hopefully soon. I have an appointment for my OB next week for further PG planning since my body still has not returned to normal functioning since my last d&C. Hopefully that goes well andI walk away with some positive answers.