Dear Mom,

Here we are at yet another of your birthdays. These last few weeks you have nearly endlessly been on my mind. I have so many questions and I miss you so much.

It has really been frustrating me that you are not here. It makes me downright mad that you aren't here to meet your beautiful great-granddaughters and that you will not meet the newest great grandbaby that is due right away. It makes me mad that you were not here for me when Jay and I lost our first two babies. Yes I have the rest of the family but its not YOU... my mom the one I should be going to for comfort and support. It makes me mad that you won;t be here when I do finally have a baby. It is not right that my child and all of your great grandchildren will only know you through our memories and stories of you. It makes me mad that you aren't here to see how successful my life is turning out to be. It makes me mad that you weren't here to meet my husband and to be a part of our lives.

I wonder why you made the choices you did. I wonder why you didn't take better care of yourself... especially when you first started to get sick. So many things may have turned around and you maybe could still be with us. I really wonder why you made many of the choices you did when we were all growing up. Many of them just simply were not ok and I wish you could be here to explain it to me so I could try to understand.

I miss you mom and I don't think that will ever change. And even though right now I am mad as hell at you I really do love you. I may not ever understand the choices you made but I would like to believe that you did the best with the skills that you had. I have many happy memories to and they are what are carrying me through. I hope you are resting peacefully and I look forward to seeing you in heaven one day. Until then I will try to move forward and understand all of the questions I have that will never be answered.

Happy Birthday Mom... I do love you,

Kerri