Ramblings...

So a few of you know I applied for a new position at my job... well I got it. Effective Nov.1/06 I will be a Team Leader at the residence I work at. I am looking forward to the change and looking even more forward to the nearly 2 bucks an hour more I will be making lol. For now there will be now change to my hours. We are going to try a month of me doing things with in the capacity of the hours I work now and switch things as I need them and then decide down the road what my permanent hours will be.

Ummm whatelse... well I started my meds. Not a huge change yet but then its been less than a week. I am starting to feel a little better and am having less negative thoughts... so I guess thats a good sign. What has changed dramatically with them is my blood sugars. One of the side effectys listed was low blood sugar and they weren't kidding. Its been an adventure to say the least and I will have to readjust all my insulin levels... but thats minor if theses meds make me feel human again.

Jay and I have been doing lots of talking and I am still up in the air about seeking counselling though I am leaning towards it. I shocked myself today when I said to him I am mad at my dad. And I will say it again I am MAD at my dad. I am mad at the choices he made that stole him from me at such a young age, I am mad that he picked alcohol over his family, I am mad that he chose to live on skid row instead of with us... I am just plain mad. Do you know he died when I was 15 years old and I have never actually said that I was mad at him. Its hard to judge another person unless you actually live in their shoes but damn it he had a famliy that loved him and he chose the damn bottle and it was the bottle that killed him. I am MAD but I still LOVE him and miss him terribly. I think of him often, I long to know what he would think of my life. Its just so damn hard.

Do you know I am MAD at my mom to. She was sick for a long time. She made choices to shorten rather than prolong her life, she made choices young that impacted her life later on. She should be here enjoying her children, granchildren and great-grandchildren...not laying in the ground in a cemetary. Again I am MAD at her but I LOVE and miss her terribly. Especially now when somedays there is nothing that would feel better that a good old mom hug... but instead I get to look at her picture and wonder why?????

When I lost Peanut I decided to talk to a chaplin at the hospital. After talking for a bit she asked me if I had left over issues with losing my parents...I quickly siad no becasue its been so long. As time has gone on I am thinking ya know maybe I do. I had a good long talk with Lynne the other night and she can see where the issues could come from to.

So yeah maybe it is time to talk to some one, maybe its time to actually grieve properly for my parents. To let the anger out to let the feelings flow in a way that I can come to understand and accept them. To come to reaccept the fact that they are gone when I am at a point in my life where I feel I need them the most.

Wow... didn't quite intend this post to become such a rant but ya know what I feel better letting it out :)

Well off to finish supper after purging feelings that have been bottled up for a while. Until next time lol...