Just have to brag....
We actually started Christmas shopping! I can't say what we bought of course but I am so darn proud of us lol! I never in my life thought I would be shopping in September for gifts but dang it feels good.
Hmmm in other news not much going on... our biggest thing on the agenda right now is waiting for the call that Katy is FINALLY in labour! Come on Little man you have a whole crazy loving group anxiously awaiting your arrival!
Our Summer to date....
We went to Capital Ex with Lynne... mmmmm corn dogs and mini donuts. Lynne and I actually decided to be brave and check out the virtual reality game.... it was a blast.
Another year down....
Can someone please tell me that this next year will be better?? I have tried many times in the last few days to think of things that are truly positive from my 36th year and ya know other than having a great marriage and husband and a loving family I can't think of a damn thing... and thank god I have those things to be positive about!
I think of the babies I have sent to heaven, I think of my near breakdown and having to go on antidepressents, I think of all the crap that just feel so overwhelming and then as if I haven't had enough crap this past year I lose Teddi to. I know shes in a better place and she looked so very peaceful when we found her but god how I miss her.
I think of the future year and know that I am facing all the testing for recurrent pregnancy loss... will we get the solution to our issues or will we be told that I will never carry a baby... one of my hugest fears. I know we can adopt and its something we have both said, that regardless of whether we have a biological child or not, we would like to do. But damn it I want my turn; I want to feel my baby move, I want to hear a heart beat, I want the labour pains... I want the whole deal from start to finish!
I start my counselling FINALLY on August 27th.... god how I hope it helps me. I hope I can gain some insight into myself and why I think and feel the way I do.
I hope that we can have many happy times in this upcoming year. I hope next year I have nothing but good to say about my 37th year. I just am trying with all I have to simply have hope for the future!
I would die for that....
I was hunting around at online at random and came across the link to this video. WOW does it ever describe how I feel!
Sent another angel to heaven :(........
Well the much dreaded happened and we have lost another baby. Here is a run down of the last few days....
Sunday Night
I felt like I was living a total nightmare! I went to the washroom and discovered I was spotting :( .. looks just like when things started with my other losses :( I was at work and there is nothing the hospital can do for me that time of night so I stuck it out at work til my ob opened in the am. I was so beyond scared its not even funny :( Jay is came to the house and spent the night here just incase things got bad
Monday Morning
I talked to my ob's nurse. They wanted me to go in to ER. I am having isolated left side pain and the spotting has now turned red... at this point they want to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. I did some research last night and I am exhibiting symptoms :( and meet the risk catagories as well :(
Iwas feeling so lost and numb... I don't know how to go through this again :(
Monday evening... home from the ER
I came from the ER and what a jerk the dr was.... very odd for the Misericordia.
Anyways he said that my uterus and tubes were totally empty and that either a) I am not pg ( even though it was a blood test by the dr that confirmed it) or b my dates are way off or c) I miscarried and didn't realize it.( um duh I think I would have noticed passing a seven week fetus)
Seriously I felt like hitting him. He was just so callous and didnt even bother coming all the way into my room or even look at me while he delivered the news.
We came to realize that there is a very real possibility that this is a chemical pregnacy and while physically its not as hard emotionally its still another slam.
I have an appointment with Dr.G tomorrow at one and we will see what he has to say. Jay and I have done a lot of soul searching and talking and have decided that we are going on hold for at least 6 months and perferably on bc to keep my cycles going somewhat regular and when we are ready we will try again
Finally today
So over all I feel MUCH better after talking to my own dr! He was very upset with how I was treated yesterday and will deal with it so yay.
as for me...
it is definately a miscarriage. The a$$ at the hosptial said my uterus was empty but he was WRONG! there was a sac... the position of it indicates that it could have still possibly been an ectopic so Dr.G is monitoring my hcg levels until they are at zero and then we move on to the next step. At this point he wants me to miscarry naturally and to avoid yet another d&c... he said as the next two weeks go by he will decide if we need to revisit the possibility of a d&c if the miscarriage doesnt progress. Once the miscarriage is over we move on to trying to discover why this is happening
He said all in all there are about 19 tests that will done... many of them blood work. I will be having an hsg and a uterine biopsy ( ow and ow lol) and those tests could be expanded based on results. Jay will be having bloodwork done too.
We are definately on hold for right now.... for how long is to be determined. I can't go on bc until all the testing is finished and I can't get pg til then at least either. That gives us a little more time to decide exactly how we want to prevent a pregnancy and for how long. I am going to take the time to refocus on me and to get back into the gym. Jay and I are going to just keep ourselves focused on saving and taking care of ourselves and see where it leads us. Dr.G would like me to lose some weight before we try again but was very nice about it... I figure this is a good chance to do that and had thought about it before I ever went to see him. he did also say due to my age he wouldnt like to see us go on hold for too long nad ideally we hould look at about 6 months.
So there we have it. I have so many mixed emotions about this loss. I am sad and yet feel numb to it. I know its happening but it doesnt seem real either if that makes any sense at all.
Well after months of trying we are finally expecting again WOO HOOO. By my calculations I am due Feb.4/08 and that makes me 6 weeks pregnant at this point... scarey because that is the stage we were at with our second miscarriage. Jay and I are feeling very positive this time and have decided that regardless we will enjoy this new little life growing in me for however long he/she stays with us. I have my first ultrasound on June 21 to make sure we are doing okay... so please say tons of prayers that we see a little heartbeat! Then I have my first prenantal appointment on July 9 and I start my appointments with the Diabetes specialist this Thursday and thats a very good thing because holyman are my sugars going CRAZY! We will obviously keep everyone updated as time goes along. I am also journaling specifically for just this pregnancy and everyone is of course welcome to come by and have a read the link is... http://www.babycrowd.com/jr/online/kelegr/
Excuse the mess...
yes we are remodeling again lol. This time we are experimenting with fonts and dividers so check back often to see how it all turns out :)
What do beans, cottage cheese and timmies have in common.....
Thats about it for excitment around here lol. I am working an INSANE amount of hours and getting very little time at home these days... I think that month off was some kind of blessing from above so I would be rested enough to take on work for this month lol. And speaking of work I better tear myself away from here and finish our early supper of Spinach and Feta perogies before I have to go again... sigh !
Saw this...
On a friends blog and thought it looked like fun.... Whats your visual DNA?
On to another round of Clomid...
We got the results of my lastest blood test today and once again I am not PG. Todays negative hit me really hard. I had the signs... I was so sure. I HATE the mind games I play with myself. 99% of the time I am ok and I can move foward with a positive outlook but today was just different. I don't know why the clomid didn't work this cycle when it did the last time. Dr.G is away so one of his partners reviewed my file and prescribed me the prometium I need to get things rolling so we can move forward. I hate it, I hate that my body is so screwed up.I know our time will come but right now that doesn't give me any comfort.
This time last year we were so happy. This time last year I had a tiny life living within me. This time last year I never dreamed of all we would end up going through on our journey to become parents. That happiness came to a halt on March 29th. We got up, we tried again, we succeeded to once again have that little one taken from us... a little one who should be joining the world in just a couple weeks. I think that's why todays negative hit me harder than the others. I was sure I would be pregnant by now, Dr.G was sure, heck I think everyone around me was pretty sure and yet here I sit wondering why and longing so badly for a baby to call my own.
Movies our new addiction....
So being off has allowed us lots of freedom to do what we want when we want. Its been nice. We have caught up on movies at home... SawIII, Carrie, Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood ( much to Jays chagrin lol), American Pie presents Band Camp... and others that I can't remember at this moment.
On top of those we have been to the theatre 3 times as well ( got to love airmiles all inclusive movie passes).
First we saw Premonition . Excellent movie. One that requires some concentration but over all we really liked it. It's one of those that I would like to see again because I know I missed stuff the first time around.
Based on many family recommendations we went to see Blood Diamond It has got to be one of the most disturbing movies that I have ever seen. We walked away just ill at the horrors that the movie portrayed and what these people are living through. One particular scene keeps playing over and over in my head...where Solomon wonders how his countrymen have turned against each other. It spoke volumes to the plight of all of those trapped by civial conflict. The violence was sickening, the terror was so realistic. Definately a movie that I want to add to my collection. If you haven't seen it I HIGHLY recommend that you do... it will change you forever.
Then today we headed off to see Wild Hogs we had, had a pretty crappy morning and Jay decided we needed a laugh... and boy did we laugh. What a great feel good movie. It was more than just a comedy. There was the tests of freindships, various levels of relationship issues, self discovery... it was a little of everything and well worth a trip to the theatre. I can still get myself chuckling when I think of some of John Travoltas scenes... just a hoot overall. So if you need a laugh or just need a pick me up go see it... I know you won't be sorry.
So we have 2 passes left and I have 10 more days off. We will likely go to at least one more show but we can't decide on what. We are leaning towards Zodiac but who knows what we will see. Anyone have any rcommendations????
Spoiled Cat....
So we bought the cats a new toy the other day when we were at dollarama. Very simple string attached to a bouncy plastic piece that goes over a door handle. They both love it. Tonight we were laying in bed watching Miami Ink and Taz was playing away... then he stopped and started to meow. Jay got up to see what his problem was and the string was caught up ... well Jay untangles it then comes back to bed and Taz goes back to playing. We know our furbabies are spoiled but in that moment we realized just how well they have US trained lol!
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Cradle Robber.....
Jay got ID'd today.... guess the chick thought he had a real baby face and that would make me old enough to be his mother EWWWWWWWWWWWW . I know he looks young but come on... I don't think he looks under 18 lol
In other news not much is happening. My WCB is processed and I got my first cheque today... woo hoo just in time to pay bills. I did discover that while I do fine walking around the house I don't do so well outside. I don't know if its the pressure from my shoe or what but looks like I will have to get out more and get my foot into shape. I still have a couple weeks of... 16 days of captivity left lol so there is time to get it ready for work again.
We are on bfp watch... so far so good this month. Blood test on Monday! Keep your fingers, toes and everything else crossed for us!
OK..so my grammer sucks...lol
Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).
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Maybe those college English classes paid off after all...
Way to go! You know not to trust the MS Grammar Check and you know "no" from "know." Now, go forth and spread the good word (or at least, the proper use of apostrophes).
Are You Gooder at Grammar?
Make a Quiz
Long days and sleepless nights...
2 am and here I sit once again. I have had crazy awake hours since I have been off. I know I am not burning nearly enough energy but I also know that I have wayyyy to much time to think and that is just never a good thing.
I have so many thoughts of growing up and so many not so great memories. I am talking to Jay, I am talking to Lynne, I am talking to Kathy... all in the hopes that I can keep the memories from becoming overwhelming again. I so badly wanted to start the counselling. I hate that I have to wait until into April but who knows maybe there is a higher power at work directing my course better than I can ever hope to understand.
I am also trying to focus on positives. As I said in another post I am doing all sorts of baby product reviews, I am allowing myself to dream and to look towards the future. But I am terrified at the same time. It was March 10th last year that we got the news that I was pg for the first time. I will know with in the next 6 days If I am pregnant now. So I am trying to dream and I am trying not to dwell and get stuck on the negative thoughts that want to come with the anniversary of my first miscarriage.... how can it be nearly a year already. I will never forget that baby but I am ready to move on.
Why are the memories forcing themselves on me? Why can't Peanut stay at rest? Why do I let it all torture me this way? I know no one can answer those questions. I know I have to deal with all this crap on my own knowing that those that love me are there to support me. I know one day I can find peace and joy in my memories again. I just want it now. I want my peaceful oblivion back. I don't want the heartache and pain that comes with remembering. Yet here I am with all those who have gone before me and sadly I know some will follow me. I just want it all to go away!
Randomness...
Several posts to follow... just trying to break up subject matter to make reading a little easier :) And yes we redid the blog again... part of my cure of boredom lol
The Toe...
Only 23 days of captivity left lol. I am going sooooo stir crazy at home... never thought that would happen. I got a call from WCB today and my claim has been accepted....BUT theres issues. Of course there is issues its us we are talking about and it always seems we end up with a complication. Apparently they have not recieved the paperwork from the hospital or from my boss and until that happens theya re stuck. The adjudicator said he was going to call them today and ensure it gets sent in. He also was VERY confused about how my hours and rates of pay work. I think he understood after a 10 minute conversation... then he siad oh sorry I'm new and don't really know how to do this stuff. Well OH GOODY! At least he is on top of it and I know that one day soon... hopefully before the bills are due on the 15th... we will have some money. Oh and the toe is doing a bit better. I can function in the house with out my cane so thats a bonus. I have quite a bit of walking to do tomorrow so we will see how it holds up.
Planning for parenting....
In my boredom I have been spending ridiculous amounts of time online. I am for the most part looking at baby stuff and trying to find reviews on the various items that we are looking at purchasing. If anyone knows a Canadian base review site please let me know because on the sites I have found the produsts arew largly not available here and the stuff we have isn't reviewed on them. I ha.ve also found some fun online shopping places. We have had nursery bedding picked forever and at sears I could get just the bedding... well I found a place that has every possible matching accessory right down to drawer pulls ( perfect since we are redoing furniture).
Also on the baby front I have been researching breast vs bottle feeding and circumcision. WOW the strong opinions. Its amazing how people are so black and white. I know what we are going to do and those decsions won't be swayed by what I am reading but I can sure see how it coulds totally confuse someone who wasn't sure. I was quite tempted to jump into a conversation about howtaking my metformin would be like taking illicet drugs while breast feeding. Unfrickin real when metformin aside from helping my diabetes actually encourages my hormone levels to be normailized... thus possibly beinbg the only way I could even produce breast milk. Yeah... like I said black and white and I am glad that Jay and I have been able to come to our decisons based on our own research/expereinces and talking to my dr's.And speaking of parenting. I see Dr.G for a check up tomorrow so lets hope in the next few daays we are getting some good news. I will be happy if just the clomid continued to work but I know you can all wel imagine how estatic we would be to get that BFP!
Doggie Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...
We are at a loss with what to do for Buster. Quite awhile ago I posted how scared he is when we make shake and bake chicken. Well that has expanded to us putting any form of chicken in the oven. Its gotten so much worse since the night we had to be evacuated. I know that snuggling him probably encourages the behavior but a the same time we can;t let him get to worked up becasue he could have a seizure... what a mess. If anyone has any ideas please share them... sometimes it helps to hear from some one on the outside looking in.
I will make you pet me.....
Note from Buster: please excuse my need for a haircut but mommy and daddy just had to share what a big suck I am.... no laptop is taking over my rightful place
Back alley adventures, soft porn and new Timmies addicts...
Yes those are the three phrases I would use to describe my day today.
Lets start with back alley adventures... I needed a ride to WCB so I could get my claim started. I gave Al a call and he was working but heading downtown so it was a perfect chance for him to pick me up. Well to go with Al in the middle of a work day means you stay with Al til there is a chance to actually get dropped off again. Now I have seen many sides of the courier world... I have actually even worked some of it but today was like nothing I have ever seen. It amazed me how many alleys and odd shortcuts there are in downtown Edmonton. I knew Al was great at his job but it gave me a whole different insight... it was also neat to watch all the team work and the sharing of packages and trips between the various drivers and how they gather on the streets and dark allies to make their exchanges.
So after my adventures with Al I arrive home. Jay helps me get the laptop all set up so I could sit on the couch and play online while propping my foot. I am happily chatting away and I hear him exclaim " What the hell that is NOT Pac man". Lol he had gone to his Linux haven site and the link that was once a pac man game was now showing a woman stripping. He promptly got to work to get it off while I proceeded to laugh my ass off. It really tickled my funny bone. Good thing I am not one of those wives who freaks out about her husband looking at that sort of thing lol :D Jay says its not soft porn... I say any woman stripping for camera is lol.... but regardless its gone now and we can have a chuckle down the road thinking about it!
Well the evening progressed and I continued to laze on the couch. Jay makes a run to Esso and being the dear hubby he is brings me back Timmies. I was nearly done my coffee... it was getting on the cold side and the dogs were sniffing around so I thought fine I will show them and they will leave me be. Well I'll be damned if Buster didn't decide to try some and of course once he did Teddi had to to... and that little taste wasn't enough. They bugged to no result til I got rid of my cup lol. So now I not only have a chocolate eating cat... but coffee drinking dogs lol what a crazy group of animals.
On other fronts I have to cancel my counselling appointment for Tuesday which sucks... but right now I just can't give up 80 bucks when I am gonna be home for a month. And I will be HOME.... I spoke to my boss today and she prefers to not have me do anywork and to heal 100%. To quote her, she said" rest that foot and make babies" :).... shes awesome and once again I am reminded about how thankful I am to have found the company.... but man will I miss my boys and I am quite sure after a few days I am gonna go stir crazy! Jay did go buy my cane for me today and thats made a huge difference in walking around the apartment though I don't know quite how far I will adventure for a few days at least.
4 Weeks off....
well not totally off but no shifts actually with my clients for that long... why you ask??? Well last night I was tidying up one of the bedrooms and stubbed my toe on the clients bed. I heard a crack and but it didn't hurt all that bad. As evening went on it got worse and this morning I couldn't even stand on my left foot... so off to the ER I go and I broke my middle toe. Because of the nature of my job the dr said I can't work other than paperwork til March 30th. I am glad to get time to catch up on all of the paper side of my job... just wish it wasn't in quite so painful a way and in a way that will be hard on the clients and staff at the house. We were actually looking at seeing some daylight finanically by the end of March but thats blown out of the water now... BLERG. Oh Well just have to look on the positive side of sleeping snuggled up beside Jay for the next month.
Real friends send chocolate and H.P.T's
So I have a really good online friend named Melissa and today I went and picked up a goody pack from her :) We were chatting one day on our message board about the different chocolate bars here vs the states and I was quite jealous about some of the goodies that everyone else was talking about so Melissa said she would send some. And boy did she! I about died and went to heaven when I saw all the goodies and Jay is super excited about getting two big boxes of Dots.... one of his favorite treats from home. As a bonus she also sent some HPT's... all my TTC buddies are always dieing for me to P.O.A.S ( pee on a stick) but they are sooo freaking expensive here I rarely give in... so now I can :) :) I am already madly in love with the Peanut Butter Twix she sent. Jay said so what happens when they are gone... and I said I think I will have to cry lol.
Heres a snapshot of our goodies...
Thanks Melissa..... YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!
Last of the big time spenders....
It was a beautiful day out today so we decided to kill some time and walk down Stony Plain road and check out the various thrift shops and pawn shops. Its amazing how fast you can kill 4 hours just wandering around. We found some PERFECT furniture... an entertainment center and matching desks for a total of $270 so we are hoping they stick around for few weeks so we can gather the money up and worse case hopefully we can get at least the entertainment unit since our desks are just fine... they just don't match the new furniture we have been buying. Jay rolls his eyes when I say that... guess it must be a woman thing lol. As we went along we did make a few purchases.... 2 sleepers, 4 playtex bottles in new shape, a teeny tiny hoodie sweater, a mac part and a mac key board ( Jays pieceing together a mac computer) and we spent ( drumroll please) a whole whopping 5 bucks lol.
The aftermath of falling asleep at 7pm....
Yeah so that was our evening. I got home after a 2o hour shift; chatted with Jay and then we decided to nap for just an hour... well that turned into three hours cause I turned the alarm off lol. Its now closing in on 3am and we are finally heading back to bed. Thank God I am off tomorrow and other than a run to the post office to pick up a parcel we have zero plans for a change.... hmmmm maybe we will nap :P
The incredible computer cat....
Or should I say brat. About a week or so ago now Jay gave me the laptop and he took over my computer ( I must say I loved that trade lol). Well Belle has decided it's her favorite place to hang out when we are in bed or not at home. She did this once or twice when it was on Jays desk... but now that its on mine its a whole new game. She hangs out and opens folders like crazy. She has opened my email or the interent, she has searched the hard drive...today I got home from work to discover that she had even managed to rename some folders on my desk top. Its too bad that we can't teach her how to use it properly... I just have to retrain myself to put the screen down lol before she puts a password or something on it :P
Appointments, appointments everywhere.....
So got off my butt and made a bunch of calls for appointments today LOL. I have a physio appointment for tomorrow to start getting my hip fixed, I see Dr.G on the 8th for a clomid Checkup and the biggiest news of all... I did it, I finally made a counselling appointment. I called the support network today and got a list of places. I picked Cornerstone Counselling Services and they were so super nice when I called. They reviewed my basic issues and matched me up with someone and I go the first time on March 6th. I am excited and scared to death at the same time. The only thing that sucks is the fees... even with the sliding scale I rate having to pay $80 a session... BLECK. Hopefully we can keep it down to 2 appoinment a month and that we should be able to swing. I'll keep ya updated as tome goes on.
Too Cute not to share..... 
So we were out shopping for a wedding dress for Katy and between dress changes Sara decided she needed to try out Jayda's soother and I caught it on my camera phone... aren't they just adorable :) : :) And so are Lynne and Carmen... wouldn't you agree???
Happy Belated Valentines and other stuff....
Hope everyone had a great valentines day :) Our's was pretty quiet but good. We exchanged cards and I made one of Jays favorite suppers.... then we actually went out for supper last night since it was payday. We went to the Royal Fork Buffet... one of my favorites and Jay has never been. Supper was great and Jay enterained me to no end with his excitment over them having a hot blackforest dessert which he then topped with ice cream. I throughly enjoyed my supper but seeing his joy made it worth the bill 100% lol
Life otherwise is the same old same old. I have a cold and it TOTALLY sucks. I talked to the pharmacist yesterday and with all my medical issues and current medications I can't take anything. She said if I was desperate to clear up nasal congestion I could try saline nose drops.... EWWWW; so I am left to suck it up until it goes away or until it gets bad enough to rank a antibiotic... and hopefully it jsut goes away before that ever happens. I also have to go for physio on my right leg. I have been having all sorts of issues since I had my d&c in March. Finally it got bad enough for me to ask my Dr about it and he said that he thinks there is some bursitus (sp??) and that there is definate issues with the IT band... so I will have to call and get that set up and hopefully on time I will be able to cross my leg again or at least tuck it up when I am sitting on the couch.
On the baby front these isn't a ton going on. I am taking my 3rd round of clomid... and statistically thats supposed to be the best month for getting a BFP... so lets hope and pray thats the case for us. We did start working on a baby budget....and UGH lol. We made up a spread sheet of all the things we will need before a baby comes home and we have been hunting for prices to create the budget. We also decided to start shopping at little each payday even though I am not PG yet. We went the first time yesterday and spent a whole 15 bucks but walked away with recieving blankets, a blanket, face clothes, socks and baby spoons...can't complain about that. We won't be opening any packages and figure that if for some god forsaken reason we don't ever have a baby of our own that we can donate the items to some one who needs them but in the meantime we will have fun shopping and dreaming :)
On a final note our quest to eat healthier is still going great. We had McDonalds today for the first time in about 8 weeks and ICK lol. We have been craving it and everywhere we go we see it and smell it so we caved and went for a late lunch/early supper. Well it went fine for Jay... for me its sitting like a lump and I can't get the taste out of my mouth and its been a couple hours :P... probably gonna be a long long time before I cave and eat it again if ever lol
Just need to whine....
Its not secret that Jay and I are "working" very hard at having a baby. I took my second round of Clomid this month and as a kick I temped too. Well it would appear that I had a perfect ovulation date and we decided for a RARE change to buy some hpts. Typically I just won't waste the money becasue I get the regular blood tests from my ob. Well we just didn't want to wait and since we had some extra cash we bought a three pack of Clearblue digitals... one of the best out there. So today was target test day... test one FAILED. Read the directions again... make double sure I am doing everything right and test again... FAILED. I shook my head and think what the hell and take out the third test...reread again and you guessed it it FAILED. I am soooooooo frustrated! I called Clearblue and they were super nice and are sending me out a replacement pack of tests. Thats just great but I want the answer NOW lol. So now we wait for either the hag to pay me a visit, the new hpts or two weeks at which time my ob will give me a blood test. Why oh why can't this just be easy for us :P
EVACUATION....
Well we just arrived home after a total building evacutaion last night! Apparently there was a small explosion up on the 9th floor that then sparked a fire. YIKES. As far as we know there are no injuries guess we will have to watch the news to see for sure as the news crews were out last night. We called Al and he came and rescued us and all the fur babies and we went to his house for a sleep over... talk about an adventure. Thankfully we have no damage however the water damage in the building is CRAZY. There are fire and disaster restortation crews working through the building to try and create some order again. There are many people still displaced due to thier suites being damaged and that has got to totally suck. We are safe, the babies are safe and our stuff is safe. It sure gave us a wakeup call for getting tenants insurance... we always mean to but never get around to it... but after 4 fires in the building ( though none as bad as this one) in 6 months its time to do it just incase we don't come out so lucky next time.
Do you ever feel like you are getting a sign????
I think I just got smacked with one lol. First a tiny bit of background...
I have been really struggling with putting my trust in God for a very long time. I do believe that there is a higher power... but some days its just hard to understand why bad stuff happens. I have had a very hard time praying and turning my troubles over instead of worrying.
Additionally you all know I am struggling with depression. My meds are working great but I have such a fear... total and utter fear of seeking counseling. I know I need to, I know I can't rely on the drugs forever. I know it will help me... yet I am avoiding it at all costs.
So the sign....
Its nothing new that I love to read... its one of my favorite past times. Well for weeks now a book has been catching my eye at the library... but it was book 3 in a 4 book series and none of the other books were in sight. I saw this same book at several of the libraries we go to as well. Then on my last trip all 4 of them were there so I of course had to take them out.
Book one was touching, book 2 started me thinking this was some sort of sign and well book three was my life... from struggling to trust in God, to left over grief issues from parents, to depression to avoiding counselling... it was me in print. I just felt so relieved after reading it if that makes sense, my heart felt lighter and for the first time since I lost Trouble I actually prayed and was able to just drift off to sleep.
Yup I still have issues and who knows maybe book 4 will address them cause the other 3 sure did lol. I know I can't put off seeking out counselling and trying at least 2 appointments won;t kill me... right ???? I really do want to get back to church too... we can only go every other week because of work but at least its a start. So if it was fluke that I found them then so be it. But I truly feel like I was meant to read those books... so whoever sent me to them Thanks :)
Beans Beans the magical fruit...
So we experimented tonight and YUMMMMMMMMM. We are still very focused on eating healthier and I decided I wanted to make chili but wanted to try a new style... so off to google I went. We chose this Veggie Vegetarian Chili and boy did it turn out good. We altered slightly based on the comments of people that had made it and I got brave and actually used part of a jalepeno pepper... next time I will use a whole one ;) Its definately now in our list of repeat reciepes... this healthy eating stuff is getting kinda fun :)
Do you recognize this lip.....
So Al came over for a visit and a haircut tonight. We got chatting about his beard and mustache and his debate in shaving them off. Soooo before he had time to really think about it we DID it... 27 years since he has been totally clean shaven. He looks great...but feels naked lol. Heres the pics
Before....
After....
A bit of babble....
not a ton going on... but thought I would update everyone anyways :) Jay and I are still doing great with our eating. I have been measuring our food and wow what a difference. We are both totally satisified and its making a big difference in the food stock too lol. I had a super long day at work yesterday( all day hours) so I had to preplan everything I was going to take with me... and wow it was quite a reminder of how important planning can be. I had to plan so carefully when I was first diagnoised and working crazy hours... but then I switched to nights and got lazy. Yesterday I felt like I was eating all day, I stayed totallay satisified AND I stayed at the low end of the range that my dietican set up for me. Definately gonna have to keep that up.
In this renewed motivation of eating healthy I am searching for good snacks. I bought some of the thinsations to try and man are they yummy. I will totally be buying them again and recommend them to everyone as a nice sweet treat.
On the baby front... I start round 2 of my clomid tomorrow. Dr.G doubled my dose so we are crossing our fingers that it does the job and that we are getting our very own specail valetime this year... I will of course let you all know once we know ;)
I'll leave you with some qutoes I found. They are great for us for our resolutions this year but I think they also can be applied to any situtation that is important to you :) ...
"Instead of giving myself reasons why I can’t, I give myself reasons why I can”. -Unknown Author
“Some succeed because they’re destined; others succeed because they’re DETERMINED.” - Anon
“There are only 2 choices; make progress or make excuses.” - Ellen Mikesell
“I can’t change what happened yesterday, but I can affect what happens tomorrow” - unknown
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit”. -- Aristotle
So the online tests aren't overly accurate... but they are fun. CHeck it out and see how you do. Jay will post his score later :) I think I did not to bad on only a few hours sleep and a few guesses lol
Resolution Check In...
Well a few days in and yay us. So far so good we are staying on track with our plan to eat healthier. It was a VERY long day yesterday and it would have been sooooo simple to just stop and grab some crappy food but we resisted. We instead stopped at M&M and bought a quick to prepare but healthy supper and felt good about it after.
I have joined efforts with a few of my online buddies and that has been great motivation. As part of that I am logging my food and I am either staying on the low side of what my dietician wants me to eat... or not meeting the minimum's. I am gonna have to make an effort to plan better and get some snacks in to make sure I am eating what I need to... not enough isn't perfect but hey its still way better than over eating.
Our house looks so bare...
While I slaved at the computer and got some much needed paperwork done today Jay took down our Christmas stuff. It never ceases to amaze me how bare and plain everything looks when all the glitz and tackiness of Christmas is gone. Its a reminder that life is back to normal... if you can call it that and always leaves me wishing that the season was jsut a little longer and that we would all continue to make that extra effort to see one another. Through the year the intentions are always there but life gets in the way...
Holy Motivation batman!!!!!!!!!
Last night Jay and I watched "Super Size Me" . It scared the CRAP right out of us! I was shocked, appalled and just stared at the TV in utter amazement at what we have been doing to our bodies. It was the PERFECT movie to watch on our first day of recommitment to healthier eating... I will NEVER look at McDonalds the same again. We highly suggest that everyone watch this movie.
So what are your resolutions? Jay and I are mostly working on joint goals for the upcoming year. We want to build on what we have already been doing and increase our focus on key areas...
1) Health- Since last January when I was diagnosied with the diabetes we have made lots of changes to our diets. Initally we followed my plan from the dietican to a tee... well we started slipping back into some of our old ways though overall we still were eating much healthier. We are going back to that original plan and we are also going to be investing in the Leisure center monthly passes so we can start hittng the gym and hopefully I can also drag him kicking and screaming to some aquasize classes ;) With getting back to re-emphasizing the diet and excersice I am sure some weight loss will follow...and that will be great but our main purpose is to just be healthier over all and to maintain even tighter control over the diabetes for when I do finally get PG again
2) Money- ah the bain of our existance. Considering we are a single income family we are doing pretty good. However the more we have thought about future Mat Leave time the more we have realized we need to bank some bucks... just to allow me to have more time at home with our future child. So we will be looking at our budget and figure out what we can put aside each month. I think we will also do some side stuff like saving change , returning pop bottles, etc just to boost the totals up without putting money away persay.
3) Organization- Again this has been an ongoing project :) Jay has really helped me par down all the stuff I have packratted away over the years. We want to continue the trend and also go through the mounds of paper we have and actually file it away in an organized easy to use manner.
4) On a personal level I want to seek out counselling. I know I have talked about this lots but I think I am finally ready. My meds have me leveled out and we have made it through the holidays. For the sake of myself and for those around me I want to do this but more importantly I want to do this BEFORE I have a child so that I can be the best parent possible... and I think leaving all my demons behind will certainly help that
