Saying Goodbye to Peanut......

Today we attended a Memorial Service for families who have lost a baby. It was a very simple service and I think just what we needed to say a final and offical goodbye to our precious Peanut. The service started off with a candle lighting...

Then moved on to some poems read by families. The poem were very heart touching and so very true to how I am sure everyone in the room feels. During one of the poems called Pebbles they passed around little rocks for each person to take in rememberance of their baby. They also gave us all bracelets that say Remembering Our Babies ( I was unable to get a pic of the pebbles or bracelets... they just didn't turn out) and a Baby Teardrop plant

Once the candles were all lit and the poems were read we moved on to a cemetery for a balloon release. We each were give a card, the front of the cards said:

With these Balloons, We remember our babies who have died.

Death has forced us to say let go of the children we would hold.

But as we let go of our balloons we send forth a message:

To our community, Our babies were wanted, were real, are loved and remembered.

To one another as bereaved families, You are not alone.

With Support, we survive and grow.

To our beloved babies, We remember you.

We miss you.

And most of all we love you.

The back of the cards allowed room for each of us to write our own special message to our baby. Then as one group we said goodbye to our babies and set our balloons free... click balloons to see a video of the release

The service ended with a special prayer and each of us sprinkling rose petals on a special grave in the baby section at the cemetery...

I left the service feeling so much better. I had such anxiety on our way there and I was so scared about the feelings that may erupt but in the end the service helped to free my heart from the grief and allow me to simply remember my Peanut with Joy :)

Lilac Hunting....

I so love this time of year and seeing all the flowers start to bloom. Like my mom I totally love lilacs and can't wait each year for them to start showing themselves :) Jay and I went walking around the neighborhood to see how all the various trees were doing and we got a few really pretty shots

When we are out walking I love to see what people have done with their flowers. We came a cross one yard that was FULL of them! I love the flower towers this person had created so we took some pictures of them too

Across the street from us we have an extended care home. They have a really nice garden area so we decided to go over and try out the timer feature again to take a pic of the two of us since we have so few. When we got there one of the residents started chatting with us and she commented on the lilacs that I had picked and how pretty they were. She then asked for assistance from us to push her wheelchair back up to her room since the nursing staff was too busy at that moment to come out for her.... we did. She was a very sweet lady and was very happy when I offered to share the flowers with her.... how could I not. It was such a simple gesture for us to wheel her back to her room and leave a few flowers... but it sure made her smile. If I see her out on the garden again I will have to pop over and have a chat :) When did head back out and take a pic and woo hoo Jay even has his hat off :P Not a site people other than me see very often lol

Overall it was nice simple walk through our neighborhood. I love adventuring out to see new places but there is just something about staying close to home, walking hand in hand chatting about everything and anything while enjoying the things that are right at our fingertips :)

Just popping by to say a quick hello and say we are still alive :) Its been a hectic few days. For the most part it's fine to not have a car but times like this past few days where we have a bunch of running to do it really SUCKS lol becasue we waste sooo much time. Oh well at least the weather has been spectacular and we can soak up the sun.

It would appear that Buster is getting over the Shake and Bake trauma.... we made some the other night and he made it through just fine lmao. All the furbabies are quite enjoying the warm weather and all the windows being wide open... its entertaining watching Taz and Belle compete for the window in the bedroom lol.

A happy belated Mothers Day to everyone. I hope you all had special days :)

Off to gather my stuff and make a run for the bus so I cna make it to work on time. I must say the night shift is going to make for a fun summer if the sun time we have had the last few days is any indication WOO HOO :)

Jayda Rain Winjet arrived May 6, 2005 at 1:38pm weighing in at 7lbs 7ozs and was 20 inches long

Dear Jayda,

Welcome to the family sweetie... we might be a little crazy at times but I guarentee there isn't a group of people on this earth who would love you more :)

I have been wondering about you for it feels like forever... from the moment your mommy told me she was pregnant I loved you. I couldn't wait to hold you and on Monday I got that chance... and wow what a feeling when you looked at me and then drifted right back to sleep in my arms. I remember clear as if it was yesterday the first time I held your mommy.... where did those 24 years go.

We hope that you grow up to be as amazing as she is and more importantly as strong as she is. We hope you grow up knowing that your parents are going to be your two very best friends and that you will have the support of all of us any time you struggle. We will all be there to pick you up if you fall and we will be there to celebrate even your smallest accomplishments. We hope you realize that you are beautiful in more ways that you can possibly imagine. I could go on an on about our hopes for you.... but the song I Hope You Dance really sums it up :) Uncle Jay designed a little slide show so we could share your pictures with all our friends and we picked that song because it truly does send a message to you as you begin this adventure called life.

Love you for now and for always,
Auntie Kerri & Uncle Jay

Click On Picture For Slideshow

EWWWWWWWWW......

so I am outside with the dogs feezing my butt off just wanting them to hurry up and do their business when suddenly my toes get warm. I look down and discover Buster is PEEING on my foot!!!!! GROSS!!!! LOL I have been walking him for over 10 years now and NEVER has he done that before. Oh well guess there is a first time for everything lmao :P

New Use for Shake and Bake.....

it can be used to induce Post Traumatic Stress Disorder lol. Yep we made that discovery tonight. In a previous post I mentioned how scared Buster got when the smoke detector went off while I was making chicken. Well tonight we thought it sounded good for supper again so I threw some in. Buster was fine... relaxing away until the smell of the chicken hit the room when I opened the oven. Instantly he was shaking like a leaf and I couldn't calm him down. When I went to the oven again he hightailed it out of the room and hid in our bedroom until supper was over and after a few sniff's in the air and a good cuddle with daddy ( he had no interest in me lol the bad mommy I am) he was fine again and back to his happy litte self. Poor litte bugger.... anyone know of a good pet psychatrist????

Ahhhhh this is the life.......


...We managed to Capture Taz's favorite napping position and knew just had to share! Isn't he cute :) :)

Random Thoughts....

No set purpose of this post... just more of a babble fest lol.

Its been an interesting day. We woke up to snow.... have I said lately how much I hate Alberta weather. It wasn't long before the snow changed to rain adn the rain turned to winds gusting at 53 km's per hour. INSANE. Have you ever tried to walk a dog that has sensitive ears in that kind of wind... well let me tell you it sucks. Teddi hates even the slightest wind and HAS to scratch her ears. Today was entertaining to say the least when shes wanting to scratch and take her morning poop at the same time. LOL... sigh prolly something only another dog owner would find entertaining :P

The afternoon was running around and lugging groceries home on the bus... the only task I hate not having a car for. I had some heavy bags but becasue I have been having troubles with my neck again Jay took the bad ones... poor bugger had to lug 8 litres of milk and 8 litres of pepsi home. Have I said lately how much I love him????

Home and relaxed for a bit while suppers cooking. I had shake and bake chicken in and when I opened the oven to check it... well lets say chicken fat, 400 degree ovens and smoke detectors don't mix lol. So we know it works but what we didn't expect was Buster reaction.... the poor little bugger was terrified. It took us forever to calm him down. Then a couple hours later I am off to have a bath and burst out laughing... I didn't realize that Jay had covered it up with a towel. He came to take it down and Buster was literally trembling in fear again and couldn't get into my arms fast enough. Poor little guy... how do you explain to a dog that yes its scarey but smoke detectors are a very good thing????

Have Buster settled and finally crawled into my bath... god I love apartment living and the unlimited hot water. A hunny how much do you love me and a really sweet grin got me treated to a session of getting water poured over my neck... something my mom used to refer to as drowning. SIGH.... melt, melt. Have I said lately how much I love my hubby lol

So the time has arrived for out Tuesday night shows and some much needed cuddle time. I love working nights but boy I miss snuggling with Jay during our evening shows. Hmmm maybe I'll bake some peanut butter cookies for snack....

And a walking we will go.....

I just have to post and brag a little lol. In a previous post I mentioned I had joined the walking challenge on my board. Well my hubby got right on board with me and even when I don't want to walk he encourages me to go :) So tonight we did another 3 mile loop and we hit the 31 mile mark WOO HOO us.... I had set my goal at 30 miles for the month :) I am so proud of us :). Next month we are going to aim for 40 miles :)

On the same note we have found a new walking route. Back when I was a kid I would go visiting my friends on the other side of the ravine lol. Well the other day I decided to take Jay down memory lane yet again so off we went... through the residential, up by my junior high and over the freeway on the walkway and through the ravine and home again ... 3 miles , many hills, 72 stairs down and 80 stairs up ! It doesn;t feel that far at all because we are busy talking about life and dreaming about our futures :) While we were out tonight we took a picture of us in the ravine....


...... don't we make a cute couple lol :)

BLEH........

That about sums up how I am feeling today lol. We have had a few days of mixed emotions and today we got an answer we have been waiting for.

About a week adn a half ago now my blood sugars started going a little wonky. Not bad by any means but not as controlled as they have been. Well the last time that happened I was PG with Peanut... we thought nah but then it was a possibiblity. I got ahold of the diabetes center and they agreed that it might be wise to get a PG test done. UGH! We tried to not think about it but how can we not. Off to the Dr and he too agreed and so I got poked. Well today we found out it was negative and I just don't know how to feel.

Do I want another baby... more than anything in this world. Am I ready to be PG again... I think more than ready. Am I sad I am not PG... yes and no. Part of me wanted it so bad but then part of me was terrified and I don't think that feeling will ever go away. I know when its meant to happen again it will and I hope that time come sooner rather than later. I think no I know part of me was feeling guilty about the possibility of being PG when its jsut 4 weeks since we lost Peanut... the need to move on and try again still feels like a betrayal to the baby I wanted to badly and will forever love and remember. Sigh... what a mixed up mess my poor brain and heart are in.

Can you find the dog?????














Yes Buster finally got a MUCH needed haircut... he lost enough fur we could have build a brand new dog lol

11 years......

Dear Mom,

Wow are the years passing fast! Its hard to believe that 11 years ago we were all together saying goodbye to you. I miss you everyday and wonder what you would be thinking if you were still here.

So much has happened for me this past year. I finally met the love of my life and I am sure you would have though I was totally insane meeting Jay on the internet... it was still such a new thing when you were here. I know you would love him though. He fits in with the family so well and he treats me really great. I am so happy. I really missed having you there on my wedding day. I think that was the hardest thing for me. I hope you felt our love and were smiling down from heaven when we lit your candle. I did have a few tears that day but Virgina helped me through them and told me that she knew you would be so happy for me.

I have made many changes for the better. I am doing great professionally and know you would be proud of that. We moved back to Meadowlark village... its odd to be back to a place where we once lived as a family but at the same time its neat knowing my kidswill grow up in a place that holds many happy memories. It was fun walking around with jay and sharing stories with him. Everytime I walk down the alley with Teddi and Buster I can picture you and Skippy strolling along and it brings a smile to my face :)

More than ever I have been thinking of you this past few weeks. I found out I was pregnant and I so wished you were here with me to share the joy. I wondered so much about what you would be thinking about your baby having a baby finally. Then came one of the saddest days in my life so far... the day I lost my precious baby. It was threes weeks today that we said goodbye to Peanut and asked God to take care of our baby for us. I am comforted by the thought that my baby is with you though. I can picture you holding Peanut in your arms with a big smile on your face. I would give anything to have my baby back and I would give anything to have you back but that will never happen... but at least you are together till I get there.

I love you so much mom and I still can't believe sometimes that you are gone. I can feel you around me and when I look at the cards you gave me and I see your words of love written to me its almost like part of you is here with me. I hope you are resting peacefully and that you are there to greet me with open arms when it is my turn to come home to heaven. Until then please take care of my baby, say hi to dad and give him a huge hug, look out for all of us and all the new babies coming to the family. You may be gone from us here but your love and memory will never leave us feeling lost or alone.

All my love for now and always,

Kerri

Time Flies....

And I suppose that can be a good thing. Its hard to believe that its been just over two weeks since we said goodbye to Peanut. I am doing so much better overall and have been able to let go of the feelings of guilt and betrayl. I think talking to the chaplin last week and then talking to my family Dr made so much difference. My Dr told me that as hard as it was to lose Peanut I had to realize I did everything right and that I should be proud of myself. The logical side of me already knew that but it did my heart so much good to hear those words from him. I have written couple more poems and just wrote a letter to Peanut and will probably continue to do those things for awhile. I still have my journal to work through and will do that when the time feels right. I have gone back to work and thats helped to... its good to have a routine again though I do not regret one moment of my time off. I needed to give my heart and my body time to heal. I have my follow up /precare appointment with the OB/GYN that did my D&C set for May 9th. I am looking forward to it and it will be interesting to see if there was a reason why we lost Peanut so we can fix it and if there is no reason thats okay but it will be good to know either way. Jay and I have spent many hours talking and thinking about what we wanted to do and we decided to try and concieve again right away. As hard as it was to lose Peanut we can't dwell on it forever and lets face it I am getting up there in years lol. We also looked at the reality that it took us a year to concieve Peanut and while it may take that long again we are sure hoping its quicker this time

On my Fertility board one of the leaders set up a challenge for us to walk and drink water. Its been so much fun and motivation participating with everyone. I set my goal for 30 miles for the month because I walk close to three miles each day I work... so I figured I didn't want to over do it. Well I didn't take into account that I was going to be off, that a simple trip with West Ed equals 3 miles,that walking would be so theraputic for my mind as I dealt with losing Peanut and that simply the weather is great and I want to be outside walking more. Well I have already done 24 miles since April 1 ... looks like I am going to meet and beat my goal lol. I think I am gonna have to modify it since we have more than two weeks left for the month. Thanks Lindsy for motivating us all :) You Rock!!!

We also get some great news on the diabetes front yesterday :) When I was diagnoised with the diabetes my A1c level was 11.3% ( the A1c gives an average of how much blood sugar you have over 3 months). My specialist set my goal at 6.5% because we were going to trying to have a baby ( typically anything under 7% is good). Well my latest results are 6.9% WOO HOO me. I was so happy. I was aiming for 8% so I was thrilled to death and my Dr is very happy with me. He thinks the last little bit will come when we find a good level of insulin to control my fasting sugars overnight. Overall I am doing really good. If for not wanting a baby I would be within perfect ranges.... but since I do, the fasts have to still come down some. I am doing good enough that I don't have to see him for three months unless I get PG again then I have to make an immeadiate appointment so he can monitor me.

So time is moving on. I still miss the baby I never got to know but I know that will get even easier as more days pass us. I am looking forward to trying again and feeling that joy all over again and hopefully this time now that everything is totally under control and all my Drs are right there and will monitor me right from the get go all will work out for the best... and for some reason its not meant to be well we will get through it but we won't know unless we try :)

Even though people told me....

I never thought my heart would begin to heal. In many way the events of last Wednesday are still fresh deep wounds and yet in other ways I am beginning to find my smile again and can actually see the bright side of the sun again. It has been a lot of work and many days the feelings are still so overwhelming I can't handle it.

I did go back to the hospital to talk to the spiritual care chaplin and I felt so much better after I did. Through talking to her I started to find the irrationality to many of my thoughts on my own. She also explained that all of the thoughts I am having including feeling like I have betrayed my marriage are totally normal. She gave us lots on information for support groups and we are going to try them out. Earlier that same day we recieved the memorial bracelet that we had made for Peanut arrived. It is so tiny and so fitting. It actually ironically matches the necklaces that Jay and I had made for ourselves... guess thats a sign from above that Peanut is okay and in spirit still with us.

Yesterday I was back to my family DR. We had to get my hCG levels tested to make sure my hormones were going back to normal. It was hell waiting to go for that blood test. It was I was sitting waiting for the final confirmation that my baby was really gone. While I was waiting there was a young mom with a baby there and she was babbling about how she is gonna have another baby and I just wanted her to shut up... but thats hardly fair becasue she certainly didn't have a clue about the pain that I am going through. We heard back from the DR today and my numbers are well on the way down and one one hand I was happy but on the other I was sad. Its good to know in time my body will be ready for another baby but I still long for the baby I already had and would give anything to have back.

I am still struggling to understand why this happened. Why can so many unfit people have babies yet I couldn't??? Its just so unfair and the answer is one I will probably never get. There was someone on my fertility board that had similar spotting to mine and yet her baby is just fine. I cried when I read that post and again asked what did I do??? I am so happy her baby is okay and yet I couldn't bring myself to post back to her. I am finding a battle within myself between being happy for others and bitter towards them... and God how I hate those feelings. I am sure in time they will level out as well but like everything else its goning to take time.

I am also struggling with trying again. I so desperatly want to try and yet I feel like I am betraying Peanuts memory because its so soon to be wanting to try again. I still need the okay from the DR's before we try so there is still a few weeks I am sure and maybe those feelings of betrayl will lessen by then. I guess thats another thing the support groups will be good for.

I hope the day will come that I can just enjoy the memory of the time I had Peanut with me and the feelings of hurt and my betrayl to both Jay and Peanut go way. I hope the day comes that I will be able to forgive myself. Until then I will continue to try and heal and lean on my amazing husband and those close to me for the support I need.

Tried my hand at poetry....

I have been hunting down so many memorial sites on the net for all the babies who have been lost. I have read many words that have given me comfort and many more that have brought a tear to my eye. After reading a bunch of poetry tonight I became inspired to try my hand it. It felt really good to get those feelings out on paper. I debated on what to do with it and in the end decided to put it on Peanuts blog. I had thought about putting here but then decided that it was more fitting to place it on the blog designed to honor the child I was writing it for. I don't know if I will try again but I think its pretty likely that I will. It feels odd to me because I don't usually put my thoughts and feelings in to words but the moment I became pregnant I felt the desire to write to my baby so I could share all I was feeling and going through so in a way I guess it stands to reason that the same act will help me on the process of grieving for the same baby.

On my search I found a site that has a candle room. I filled out the form to have a candle lit for Peanut but it will take a couple days to show up. I liked the site over all but was shocked by the published pictures of babies who had died. I can totally understand wanting to have those pictures and can imagine in that place taking some of my own but I am not sure if they are anything that I would share with the world. If you want to check out the site is called The Lost Ones just be prepared to see the babies who gave died if you click on the photo gallery like I did.

Working towards healing our hearts....

The reality of losing Peanut is sinking in more and more. I can not believe the overwhelming emotions I am feeling.... never in my life have I felt this way. Through the day yesterday we did pretty good. We talked lots, cried often and worked together on Peanuts Blog. It did us both so much good. Last night though was a different story. We crawled into bed and before I knew it I was in near hysterics crying and sobbing. I was so overwhelmed with everything and poor Jay could just hold me and let me work it through. I feel so guilty thinking I did something horribly wrong, I feel like I betrayed my husband and stole his child from him, I keep second guessing my decision for the D&C and hate myself for not asking for a second opinion just incase. I don't know how to move past all these feelings, I don't know how to forgive myself. Plain and simple I want my baby back and I know that will never happen. I know in time we will be trying again and we will become the parents we always wanted to be but I want it now, I want my Peanut, I want the baby that we tried so hard for and would have been so loved. Its so unfair with the people who have children they abuse and torture and yet people like us who would provide a loving and safe home have their child stolen away before he or she ever had a chance.

I had a long talk with the spiritual care people at the hospital and they are sending me out lots of information because apparently all these things I am feeling are normal. They have also offered counselling if I need it... or Jay too. I am going to try to work through all of this on my own with the support of my husband and family but if it becomes to overwhemling then I will turn to them. I talked to a friend who lost her babies in December and she recommended a book called " I'll Hold You In Heaven". It is designed to help women who have lost a child through misscarriage, preterm birth or early childhood. We went to Chapters today and ordered it for me along with the Journal to help me work through some of these feelings.

We also did some " healing" shopping. We bought matching neckalces that we designed for Peanut. For now we will wear them all the time and in time we will I am sure be ready to take them off. We also purchased a Precious Moments called " Safe in the Arms of Jesus". I think though the hardest purchase was a little tiny pair of shoes that we had planned to buy Peanut when he/she arrived. We went ahead and bought them today and will one day put them away but for now they will be right where we can see them. Yesterday I ordered a special made baby bracelet from a lady online. She makes them for babies who have beeen lost and also send a memorial book and when that arrives it will be added to our little collection of Peanuts things. I also completed the preganany journal that I had started for Peanut and put it away for now. Jay and I talked and we are going to look at shadow boxes and get on that we can place everything in.

Overall its been a very tough few days. I know as each day passes it will get easier but I also know I will never forget my first child.

Heres a few pictures of the stuff we bought today:

Someone gave these to me today so I thought I might as well share.....

I'll Hold You in Heaven

From the very beginning I loved you,

As I made plans to hold you and rock you:

You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,

But something went wrong and soon you were gone;

My young heart was broken,

my tears fell like rain,

I'd never known such heartache and pain.

I wonder who you look like,

me or your dad,

Do you have my smile and his eyes?

Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?

We had dreams for you that reached to the skies

.It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,

Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.

I'll hold you in heaven someday,

When my trials on earth pass away;

The angels have rocked you,

the Father watches over you,

I know you're waiting for me;

I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",

But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

(c) 1998 Jo Ann Taylor All Rights Reserved

Mommy's Little Baby

By LisaMarie Emerle

Mommy's little baby is not really far away

I'm keeping you in my heart and that's how it's gonna stay!

Although you didn't meet me and look into my eyes

Mommy will be thinking of you when I look up in the skies

And when I feel the sunshine ... shining down on me

I will know you're safe & happy and where you have to be

I have so many questions and there are no answers to find

But don't think for just a second that you'll ever leave my mind

You my precious angel made a mommy out of me

But our Father up in Heaven chose to raise you instead of me

God must have so much in store and wonderful plans for you

So I will carry this burden of pain so all your dreams come true!

So don't you cry any tears my love - be happy and be free

When God decides it's time....you will meet Daddy and me

You are very special both here and in heaven above

No matter where you are my angel you have Daddy & Mommy's Love!

With very sad hearts....

we have to say goodbye to our peanut. I started spotting on Tuesday and yesterday afternoon we learned that peanut no longer had a heartbeat. We have revamped our Letters to Peanut site so please stop by and pay it a visit and join us in saying good bye to our precious baby.

I Really Miss My House In New York......

It turns out that the house that has been in our family for close to 100 years(yes its that old) has been seized by the bank and put on the chopping block for auction(no thanks to my nephew who was living in it,it seems he forgot to pay the mortgage payments for almost two years).

And now it is just sitting there empty,all alone,a shell of its former glory,it breaks my heart to see it that way,no one to care for it,no children running up and down the stairs,no Christmas trees erected in the family room,nobody sleeping in one of the six bedrooms.

So now i must say goodbye to one of my best friends i ever had,always there to comfort me in the darkest periods of my life.

So Long Old Friend,I Will Miss You.

Time To Start A New Adventure......

and what and adventure it will be. Friday morning Jay and I found out that we are finally going to be parents... WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOO. In honor of our baby to be we have started another... yes another blog. We will have updates here of course but the ther blog is actually going to be letters to our baby who we have dubbed Peanut. Feel free to pop over to Letters to Peanut anytime you want to get a more detailed look at the joureny we are about to embark on :)